Should have died

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by shinystar, Apr 10, 2010.

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  1. shinystar

    shinystar New Member

    On Wednesday evening I remember lying on my sofa doing nothing, feeling miserable as the room gradually got darker. I was not watching television because there was nothing I wanted to watch. I left my job a few weeks ago because I could no longer work for the nasty, bullying woman I worked for. I was finding it difficult to find another job. I turned on the television and watched the national lottery draw. I decided to take some XXX if i didn't win. I'd bought the XXX tablets shortly after handing in my notice at work. My intention was to kill myself after I had finished my job. Of course I didn't win and went to the kitchen and casually took five . Then I took another five, five more after that and eventually took XXX tablets. I considered taking another box of xxx but didn't. I had a shower and went to bed not really thinking about what I'd done. It was about 11pm. I read some of a book, completed part of a crossword and fell asleep. I woke suddenly a couple of hours later. My mouth was incredibly dry and I had difficulty swallowing. I went to get some water. As I stood up I felt incredibly weak. I went into the kitchen and thought "Oh shit, I'm going to die". I've tried to kill myself before but this is the one time I felt I really was going to die. For some reason I previously felt invicible. The thought that the last thing I would ever see was my kitchen made me panic. I could barely feel my body. I had to hold on to things to steady myself. I poured myself some water and went to sit down but kind of fell onto the chair. I was incredibly tired. I went back to bed. I felt my heartbeat decreasing. I was forgetting to breathe. I knew that if I went to sleep I would never wake up. I struggled to the kitchen and made some black coffee. My hands were shaking so much I spilt the coffee everywhere. I added cold water to it so I could drink it quicker. I felt I needed to get my blood pressure up so I rolled a cigarette which was difficult because of the constant shaking. The cigarette tasted funny because of the pills in my system. I went back to bed. I told myself that I would probably just sleep for a long time but each time I felt myself drifting off I panicked and forced myself awake. I tried to read my book but couldn't because everything was blurred. I had the radio on and the conversations seemed to be about overdoses but as I listened closer I realised that I was having auditory hallucinations. I started having visual hallucinations too where the pattern on the curtains were turning into creatures with scary eyes. I got up and made some more coffee. Then I thought I should throw up to get the pills out of my system. I drank warm water with salt and threw up a few times. I looked in the mirror and my reflection scared me. I have dark brown eyes but they appeared blue and glazed and incredibly wide. I didn't want to see myself. I went to bed again then got up and prayed to God to spare my life. I had more cigarettes and foreced myself to stay awake. I kept thinking how my parents would feel if they found out I was dead. Eventually morning came and I got up, had a shower and went to the living room to watch TV. I still did not think it was safe to go to sleep but by now I was overtired so could not sleep anyway. By nighttime I felt better and managed to sleep okay. On Friday I went to the shops to get some more tobacco and felt really panicky like I was going to faint but I was okay. I still don't understand why I woke up a couple of hours after having taken the pills. If I had taken the extra 20 I definitely wouldn't be here now. Anyway, I survived that attempt and would not do it again as the knowledge that I could really die scared me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am glad you lived i hope you don't chance that again your parents god help them if they had found you.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thank god you lived and realised you want to live....
    you have another chance at life now...grab it..
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    things can get better, im glad you survived time to pick yourself up and start moving forward, you can find another job or look at courses to get qualifications for new jobs
  5. suicider628

    suicider628 Well-Known Member

    hey, had a similar experience here, u should really go to the hospital tho, those things damage the body. I took 40 and i only remember bits and pieces after that and woke up at hospital.

    Option A fail, so Option B, which is to live.
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