On Wednesday evening I remember lying on my sofa doing nothing, feeling miserable as the room gradually got darker. I was not watching television because there was nothing I wanted to watch. I left my job a few weeks ago because I could no longer work for the nasty, bullying woman I worked for. I was finding it difficult to find another job. I turned on the television and watched the national lottery draw. I decided to take some XXX if i didn't win. I'd bought the XXX tablets shortly after handing in my notice at work. My intention was to kill myself after I had finished my job. Of course I didn't win and went to the kitchen and casually took five . Then I took another five, five more after that and eventually took XXX tablets. I considered taking another box of xxx but didn't. I had a shower and went to bed not really thinking about what I'd done. It was about 11pm. I read some of a book, completed part of a crossword and fell asleep. I woke suddenly a couple of hours later. My mouth was incredibly dry and I had difficulty swallowing. I went to get some water. As I stood up I felt incredibly weak. I went into the kitchen and thought "Oh shit, I'm going to die". I've tried to kill myself before but this is the one time I felt I really was going to die. For some reason I previously felt invicible. The thought that the last thing I would ever see was my kitchen made me panic. I could barely feel my body. I had to hold on to things to steady myself. I poured myself some water and went to sit down but kind of fell onto the chair. I was incredibly tired. I went back to bed. I felt my heartbeat decreasing. I was forgetting to breathe. I knew that if I went to sleep I would never wake up. I struggled to the kitchen and made some black coffee. My hands were shaking so much I spilt the coffee everywhere. I added cold water to it so I could drink it quicker. I felt I needed to get my blood pressure up so I rolled a cigarette which was difficult because of the constant shaking. The cigarette tasted funny because of the pills in my system. I went back to bed. I told myself that I would probably just sleep for a long time but each time I felt myself drifting off I panicked and forced myself awake. I tried to read my book but couldn't because everything was blurred. I had the radio on and the conversations seemed to be about overdoses but as I listened closer I realised that I was having auditory hallucinations. I started having visual hallucinations too where the pattern on the curtains were turning into creatures with scary eyes. I got up and made some more coffee. Then I thought I should throw up to get the pills out of my system. I drank warm water with salt and threw up a few times. I looked in the mirror and my reflection scared me. I have dark brown eyes but they appeared blue and glazed and incredibly wide. I didn't want to see myself. I went to bed again then got up and prayed to God to spare my life. I had more cigarettes and foreced myself to stay awake. I kept thinking how my parents would feel if they found out I was dead. Eventually morning came and I got up, had a shower and went to the living room to watch TV. I still did not think it was safe to go to sleep but by now I was overtired so could not sleep anyway. By nighttime I felt better and managed to sleep okay. On Friday I went to the shops to get some more tobacco and felt really panicky like I was going to faint but I was okay. I still don't understand why I woke up a couple of hours after having taken the pills. If I had taken the extra 20 I definitely wouldn't be here now. Anyway, I survived that attempt and would not do it again as the knowledge that I could really die scared me.