Should have left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BornFree, Nov 9, 2013.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    I should have left, so tired of the fighting the shouting the teeror the racing to protect the kids. I couldn't go to fireworks as couldn't have stood and the ground is saturated and the wheelchair would have got stuck. So I acted like I didn't care and sent them. As the pain is bad again I wish I had left properly. Should I consider us all going, I dont know
    Wjat to think or feel anymore I just know I cant handle this level of physical pain anymore
    2 yrs ago and more why did I stop why did I risk thinking it was enough. Now there is no where left to turn.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi sweetie. I am so sorry for the constant overwhelming level of pain. I wish I had words of comfort. I wish I had words to help. I CAN tell you that you are very cared about by me and so many people here. That is only because of who you are. I hope you can hear my words. I know that does not make the physical pain any less. You wrote "racing to protect the kids" That must be very hard for you. I know you are a good mum. Because I know you are a good person. And yet, all of that does not make the pain any less. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Hun i too am sorry for amt of pain you are suffering i know that pain makes the sadness worse Wish there was a way to decrease it for you. It is hard not being with your children i know that but try to imagine their faces while watching the fireworks ok see their joy in their faces They love you hun they need you ok Talk to you doc about getting something different for the pain perhaps a pain patch Just know we are here for you hugs
  4. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :hug2: Thank you Flowers & TE your kind and thoughtful responses mean so much right now and so much more than I can express.
    Staring at the keyboard and words fail me, why when I need more than ever to connect with people do I go blank.
    I should have imagined their faces instead I just selfishly cry and push the emotion down and try switch off. I wish I was a good person who wouldn't mind missing out...
    I had made plans for the Tuesday 5th I had managed to find Fireworks event on the internet which was free & where I could have gone as it was on a pier and was wheelchair friendly we were all dressed to go and it takes me forever to get ready to go out and DS comes home and kicks off refusing to go saying all his friends were going to the SAturday to the neighbourhood fireworks and H agreed it would be "easier" so I spoke to my youngest and explained it would be nicer at the local fireworks. And so for the second year I did not get to go...
    Even being upset at being left out I feel selfish as I know their are so many with huge huge heartache, loss and pain
    Even us the business is going under my daughter is getting worse autism wise and my son is ill again and as the pain gets more intense I do wonder if it wouldn't be best for us all to end it.
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