Should have never stopped.

[Payne]

I was recently all set to end my life but I answered a phone call from soemone who talked me out of it. They begged me to come back and hear their plans for how things would all "get better".

Their plans involved me running off to California or some other distantplace to start all over. Well intentioned but completely ridiculus. Now I am here after messing up the carefully thought out plan I had started. I had a hotel room in a distant city. A full CO2 tank and enough sleeping pills to keep me asleep until the gas overcame me. I even had handcuffs to secure myself to the railin in the shower to make sure I couldn't back out.

I really don't know why I'm posting here. I found this site while researching methods. I found out that myplan with the CO2 would have caused that suffocating feeling that one gets without oxygen. CO is a better choice because it bonds with the cells and doesn't cause that gasping effect. Now I am trying to figure out how to get a charcoal grill into a hotel bathroom without setting off the smoke detector. I'm thinking about disabling it by cutting the wires that power it or else a plastic bag taped securely over it should work.

This time I'm leaving my cell phone here and just doing it. No notes. Nothing. I plan on tomorrow or at the latest the day after. I am limitted with time because the law will be coming very shortly. I have some DWI's that are going to destroy my life for a very long time. I find it really sad that a DWI, without an accident or injury to another, could warrant such an extreme response from the state.

Screw them. This is my final exit. I'm completely sick of hurting those around me and always screwing up everything that shows promise. I know most of these things I bitch about are from my own actions and that is why I am done. I have no chance to dream of anything better. NOthing will ever change. Pain and misery are my destiny.

 

[Labrynth]

Payne.....

Please think about this some more before going ahead. You were talked out of it before so that must mean there is a little tiny piece of you that doesnt want to kill yourself. Can you hold on to that little piece of hope?

Even if you could get a charcoal grill into a hotel bathroom and stop the smoke detectors from going off....think about the poor person who has to find your body. You could ruin their lives forever. You will hurt everybody who loves and cares about you. Without leaving a note they will never know why and without knowing they may never be able to come to terms with it.

Things must be extremely difficult for you at the moment to make you feel this way, but please try to hold on for a little more time. Just the fact that someone called you to talk you out of it tells me there must be atleast one person in this world who cares about you. Think how they would feel.

I hope you stay safe :hug:

 

[Jinxed]

I dont know what to say but I wanted you to know that someone had heard your cry. Do you think maybe you posted here because your looking for someone to understand how you feel?
I cant say I understand exactly what your going through but I know how hard it is at times to keep on going. When others say how things will 'get better' it can be frustrating as they dont always understand the inner turmoil you feel. All I can say is that nothing will ever change if your not here to change it, so think carefully and take care of yourself.