should i be worried

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lost_child, Nov 12, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Nearly 2 years since the start that triggered the worse feelings I've ever known. 2 years on sunday. I've cut to see the pain, to release the dirt that I feel inside. I've bleached my skin to get rid of the smell and yet he's still on me, he's still with me. thursday seeing shrink, what for, what purpose does it serve I've fucked in the head, its not possible to heal from that. P/therapy on friday...why, so that I can "let go", well its not worked, its not happening...18 months and no change.

    Then off to my mothers to play happy familes with my step brother around..then 2 years since the trigger that opened up wounds that closed.

    i'm not angry, sad, none of that, just calm, just very calm. trying for so long to find out who i am, the answer..jane doe. Do i want to die. YES. and i feel nothing, nothing about the ppl in real life whom i love. selfish maybe, but then they haven't cared for me when i needed someone.

    maybe tonight, tomorrow but I don't want to see 2008..i've waited long enough, I';ve tried and now i'm ready to be at peace. should i be worried that i feel nothing, that i've manged to save about 250 mixed tabs but fell nothing other then swallowing them, and sleeping.
     
  2. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi, Lost Child,

    Out of close to all the posts I have read on here your posts are some of the ones I always think about. You are on my mind a lot. I don't really even know why I am saying this but its true, I really hope you one-day find something happy in your like to keep you going.

    I really have no answers for you, but i do think it would be a waste of a life if you did anything stupid.

    I can see from your posts that you crave real love, you need it but do not know what it is. I hope you find it... I really do.

    I wish i could talk to and I wish I could fix this for you so much. I look around here for your posts to check that your ok because I do worry.

    Please stay safe, please
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't even pretend to know the pain you are feeling. But I have my own to deal with. You do feel something. Those feelings are the root of your pain. But you also must have some little corner, hidden far away even from you, that is keeping you here. Try to find that little corner and make it bigger. Sometimes getting rid of the pain takes so much longer that we want, but please try to stay safe. There are a lot of good people right here that are rooting for ya.
     
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Your right I do crave love but I don't know love. Its stupid, but I some times allow myself to get close to a women (not in a relationship way) but I see them as a mother figure and I crave that, the same with older men. I always seem to attract and sleep with old men, trying to find a mum and dad i guess that love me, but at the same time.. I then push them away when they do start caring for me. I can't let anyone love me, because the only love I know is se* and ab*se and I don't want that anymore.. I don't even know what love means.

    I'm sorry going on, there are so many people out there worse off then me and I do is complain..there are people dying, being murdered, people who have a happy life, who want to live but that choice is taken away from them but me...I want to end my life. Life is ironic, those that don't want to die do and those that want to die it seems impossible. I'm such a selfish bitch sorry.
     
  5. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Your not selfish at all. You have had such a hard life, maybe you dont see that but I do.

    I can understand everything you are saying (I have not been through what you have though) and i see why you get close to these people and push them away.

    You need to try to find out what real love is. You need to find a real friend and also try to keep them and not push them away.

    S*x is not a bad thing. I know in your past it has been and it may be a very hard thing for you to deal with. But it is not. When you do find someone you love it is not just s*x but it is love and i hope oneday you find this.

    Please keep strong. I will read up on you all I can. Would love to find out oneday that you are happy. Your in my thoughts.
     
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