Should I break up with my girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by no2trashbag, Jun 15, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. no2trashbag

    no2trashbag New Member

    I've been experiencing suicidal ideation almost everyday. I haven't talked to my girlfriend about it, and I don't know if I will. We've only been together for a couple of months, and I self-harmed for the first time in over a year by noticeably burning my arm. After she noticed, I waited a few days before explaining to her my history of self-harm and multiple suicide attempts, but told her that I wasn't contemplating suicide now. Of course, this isn't true at all, and now that I lied about it, I feel like I can't tell her.
    I love my girlfriend; she inspires me. She is a survivor of stage 3a melanoma, a fully recovered cocaine addict, survivor of an abusive marriage, and a single mother of a beautiful 3-year-old boy. She is studying now to take her GED so that she can go to school and train to become a nurse. I want to do everything I can to help her, but I have recently lost my job and we were evicted from our home. I try endlessly to reduce the stress in her life by helping her take care of her son, driving him to his dad's everyday, cooking and cleaning for her, running errands for her when she's not feeling well or can't leave because she needs to watch her son, but no matter how hard I try, my help is not enough. My truck (the only vehicle that we have) is rapidly deteriorating, my unemployment is not enough to pay rent anywhere, and I can hardly afford food. Thankfully, one of her friends is letting us stay in her condo for free until we can get on our feet. Everything that makes her stressed makes me feel more depressed because I've been trying so hard. I feel like everything that is a stressor for her is a failure of mine. I'm glad that her friend is helping us, but it makes me feel like I was unable to provide and that I'm unstable because the only thing keeping a roof over my head is her desire to stay with me. I've never felt like I deserve the relationship that we have, and I've told her many times that she should break up with me (that I can't do it because I love her).
    Because of how I feel, I don't feel comfortable showing her affection, telling her that I love her, or initiating sex. For the first time, we haven't kissed in days, had sex in weeks, or said I love you in more than a month. I want these things badly, but I feel too depressed to initiate these things or even to talk about it. With our relationship looking like this, and with her not talking to me about it either, I feel like I'm a chauffeur, cook, maid, and errand-boy to her (even though I don't really want anything but to be able to do these things for her). I also don't want to tell her about my suicidal ideation because I know it will only make her life more stressful.
    Now, I wonder if I should break up with her. I can't talk to her, I can't help her, and I want to admonish myself of the responsibilities of our relationship so that I don't have those inhibitions from completing my suicide. I always have my materials and my plan to commit suicide, but I have decided not to complete it in the past in favor of taking her to the doctor or taking her son to his dad's. I don't know what to do; I'm afraid that I'll never be able to facilitate the relationship that I want to have, that I can't help her with her life and her son's life, and that I may never get to a point in my life when I don't constantly think about killing myself. I want this to be over, but I want to hurt my girlfriend as little as possible.
    Should I break up with her?
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    honey, you need to open up to her by confinding in her about everything. the decision is up to both of you.

    ending a relationhip is not an easy thing to cope at all... you should keep that in mind as well in case you are too vulnerable at this moment.
    no matter what the outcome is, i hope you can still keep holding on. remember that you also have yourself to love and look after no matter what happens.

    hugs to you
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I don't know... I mean, I know your situation is bad, and it's hard when you aren't able to show her how you feel... but at the same time, you do love her and care about her, and it sounds like you are helping her. Do you really think either one of you would be better off if you left? It doesn't sound like it to me. No, you're not in an ideal situation... but breaking up might make things even worse for both of you. Now if you said that you didn't love her anymore, or that you felt that you were a burden to her, then I would say that you should break up. But it sounds to me like you both need each other, and you are helping each other in some small way.

    That's just my opinion... I'm no expert on these things, and I could be totally wrong. I just don't think ending it is the right way to go when you do both love each other. I'm in an unhappy relationship myself, and the only reason I'm thinking of leaving is because I don't love her. If I loved her, it would be different. I don't think you should ever end a relationship that is based on love unless you truly believe that the other person would be better off without you... and I'm not so sure that this is the case.
  4. no2trashbag

    no2trashbag New Member

    Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I still haven't said anything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I'm likely to mope around and not be able to show her any affection until she gets fed up with me. Then I can finally leave without hurting anyone's feelings. I probably still won't have the will power to kill myself, so I'll just be alone again.
    It's such an illogical trouble for me: I assume that no one could be interested in having a relationship with me; I'm skeptical when someone asserts that they are. Then, when I finally except that and fall in love, I immediately feel like I don't deserve the love I receive. I wish she could just understand or even notice that I constantly feel depressed and ask me about it. Anyone else have this problem?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.