Should I come out to me 2 best friends?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Asmoday, Dec 19, 2007.

  1. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    Should I come out to my 2 best friends?

    I'm a 25 years old male and I'm bisexual. Being bisexual may not seem to be a big deal like being gay but for me it's not much different than being gay cos I have never slept,kissed or even dated a girl. I tried but I'm not masculine and I'm not the kind of male that girls like. However it's easy to meet with gays online. I live in Turkey. Here in the city I live in almost all gays/bisexuals are in the closet so there are many people I can meet online. Anyway I only have sex with man and noone I know in real life knows about it except the people I meet online and than meet in real life. I feel like I'm hiding some part of me from everyone I know. Not just hiding the fact that I have sex with man but also some part of who I really am. I don't know other countries but here in Turkey gays/bisexuals arent looked upon well. I dont care much about the teasing etc since I was teased and bullied in primary/middle school everyday and I'm a lot stronger emotionally now but there's a very distant relative in our family who is gay. I have never seen him. But whenever his name comes up, everybody starts laughing even if nothing has been said about him except his name. And I'm afraid the same can happen to me if I come up. Anyway I want to tell my 2 best friends at least. They're twins and I know I can trust them, I mean I'm sure they won't tell anyone. Even if people find out somehow, I'm not scared about that too much since I want to come out anyway. But how will it affect our friendship if I tell them? I know they didnt talk good about gays in the past but I didnt either. Right now they're in university in another city and they'll come here 1-2 months later. Should I wait it or tell it online? We talk on msn everyday and it will be easier on msn. I wont be able to see their reaction and that sucks though. Do you think I should tell them and if I should, how? Any tips?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2007
  2. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Re: Should I come out to my 2 best friends?

    If you want to tell them, I think you should. I personally would do it in person because I'd WANT to see their reactions, but thats up to you. I can't really give too much in the way of tips, since I haven't been in your situation.
  3. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Re: Should I come out to my 2 best friends?

    tell them in person. i mean over the web its like what? you for real? and they don't have the opportunity to see your face and know you are for real with this. if i were your friend it would be respectful to me if it were face to face.
  4. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    If they truely are freinds, they'll understand & it shouldn't affect your freindship what-so-ever. You'll still be the same cool person they've always known & liked. :cool:
  5. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    In a society like Turkey's? I'd say you probably should not, unless you're willing to be some sort of martyr for your beliefs. I believe homosexuality is actually illegal there, isn't it? There're certainly some very, very strong cultural biases against the open practice of homosexuality, that I don't see how anyone can deny. Though Turkey is certainly not Iran or Afghanistan, the reality is that Islam dominates the culture, and Sunni Islam in its current formulation takes an extremely harsh line towards homosexuality. I'm also under a vague belief that Turkey is actually becoming more Islamic, not less. Thus what is marginally tolerated now might in five years

    The people who are advising you to go forward with this don't seem to grasp the very real social and quite possibly legal stigma you could suffer for telling others about your orientation. Turkey ain't Western Europe, it ain't even the United States, folks. That seems to have gotten past these others.

    In a perfect world (a) you could trust those you're considering telling to not tell others and (b) you wouldn't suffer any prejudice for your orientation in the first place. But the world we live in is far from perfect. Like I said, if you're willing to be a martyr for what you -- and for that matter, I -- think is the right thing, that's a whole different matter. But if you simply want to get along with your life with as little stress and as much peace as you possibly can manage? In the Turkey of today I advise you to keep on as you are. I'm also going to suggest secrets generally don't stay secrets. As in, at least one of your two friends will probably tell somebody at some point. That's simply human nature.

    Sorry to be a bit of a wet blanket here. But on some level or other we have to take the world as we find it and try to live with it as best we can. :dry:
  6. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    Many people in Europe and USA think since majority of people in Turkey are muslum, it must be like arab countries. But that's far from the truth. Turkey has nothing in common with arab countries. Yes there have been homosexuals who have been killed for their sexual orientation but homosexuals have also been killed in USA for their sexual orientation. There are many gays out of the closet especially in the west cities in Turkey(which is where I live). There are many gay bars, gay clubs etc openly and legally operating in Istanbul which is the biggest city in Turkey. Also being homosexual isnt illegal.

    The reason why I didnt come out is mostly because I dont know how to deal with the coming out process rather than how I will live the rest of my life. So even if my friends tell someone and it spreads, that means I will come out without needing to explain it to everyone. That wont be nice though but there's no nice way to do it anyway.

    I know telling in person to my friends rather than online seems to be a lot better way but they will come here 1-2 months later than now(they're in a university in another city right now). And they will only stay around 2 weeks. I will talk to them everyday on msn as usual until they come. If I tell them when they're here, it will look like I hided it and waited for them to come. This may sound weird but I dont want them to think that I'm telling them because I have sexual feelings towards them(I dont). If I tell it online right now, they wont think that because they wont be here for another 2 months.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2007
  7. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    I forgot to write. I think Turkey is becoming less islamic. Yes the current government is called islamic but they're not too much islamic like some other islamic political parties. I mean I didnt notice anything different like new islamic laws etc. Also army is anti-islamic and will never let Turkey to become islamic. Army has all the power so I'm not worried about an islamic Turkey in the future.

    Also I'm an atheist and everyone I know knows that. I make it obvious. You will face many diffuculties if you do that in arab countries but I faced none.
  8. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I'll defer to the rest of your statements here, but this doesn't seem correct. As in, hasn't Turkey revoked their recognition of Israel?

    I also meant no disrespect to either the nation of Turkey or the Turkish people generally, as you seem to be implying. I was simply noting that not everyplace in the world is like Western Europe and the United States. If I am wrong about my understanding of homosexuality in Turkey, nobody here would be happier to find that out than I would be.

    Anyway, if you think those around you will have no problem with you coming out, why did you bother asking here? What sort of feedback are you looking for?
  9. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    No society likes homosexuals. That's the truth. Turkey is not any different either. But what I'm saying is Turkey is more like west than arabic countries. Thats why I asked here. Otherwise I would've asked in an arabic forum. I'm asking for feedback in general(maybe for west), not for Turkey in specific cos I know the differences between Turkey and other countries so I can compare myself.

    I havent heard of Turkey revoking their recognition of Israel. Do you have any link about that?
  10. ybt

    ybt Guest

    "No society likes homosexuals"

    What? It's legal in many places...
  11. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    It's legal in Turkey too. But most people don't like them. Even some of the ones who say "I have nothing against homosexuals" actually have some negative emotions against them but they think they're nice people so they shouldnt say it. But if they have to hire someone for a job, most would choose a heterosexual over a homosexual.
  12. ybt

    ybt Guest

    Yeah, but it doesn't mean all societies hate homosexuals.
  13. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    He wasn't speaking of simple legality, he was saying that people in large groups (societies) generally aren't accepting of homosexuality, because it goes against the "norm," which is only defined as the "majority."

    It is a shame that people are forced to make a decision to either hide their secrets for lifetimes, or possibly be shunned by the people they care about. The payoff with taking the risk of telling the people you care about is that you will find kind, accepting hearts that will stay with you.
  14. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality, but I've often thought about how my friends and family would react if they even knew I wasn't sure about it. The fact that America has a term for the beating-up of homosexuals tells you that we're not the most tolerant country in the world.

    I'd suggest telling your friends in person, though I have to admit I would personally be terrified to do it that way. The drawback of doing it via the internet is that one of them can quickly tell others about it if he doesn't take it well (sorry, I always think of the worse case scenario).

    You could also consider how your friends would tell you if they were in your place....Does that make any sense? :unsure:

    In the end, I suppose it depends on which way would be more comfortable for you and them.

    On another note, I didn't know anything about modern-day Turkey until I looked it up after your post. We Americans tend to be a little...self-absorbed at times, though I knew about Constantinople/Istanbul. If I ever work up the energy and courage, I'd love to see the Hagia Sophia and the Blue Mosque (sorry, I'm an art major, I can't help it :smile:).
  15. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I've been in a similar position Asmoday. I wouldn't recommend doing it online. I was with my girlfriend in bed when I was very young and was playing around with a Muslim friend (who wasn't very positive towards gay people) of mine on MSN and my girlfriend said something like: "I'm in bed with my lesbian lover", and that completely ruined the relationship between my friend and myself :wink:. Perhaps that wasn't the best way of putting it but this is what I'd recommend.

    You can easily reassure them in real life. The internet is definitely not the place where you can see the other person's reaction well..and communication isn't only words, it's facial expressions, movements etc, so you wouldn't know exactly how they were reacting. And if you told them online they'd have 2 months discussing it between themselves- your sexual orientation is personal and perhaps best discussed openly with them, rather than leaving it to them to bounce back and forth between themselves?

    I understand your need to be open with who you are and to be less secretive and wanting to share an important part of you with others :hug:. However, seeing as you've said in the past your friends haven't been very positive towards gay people, I'd be careful in just saying "I'm bisexual" full stop. I'd approach the subject of your sexual orientation very carefully, perhaps starting a conversation about a relevant news story, or something impersonal to gauge their reaction. And if their reaction is negative and hurtful, I wouldn't say anything personal about myself as I wouldn't want to lose those friends. I've lost friends in the past because of being extremely stupid in just throwing myself around out there and my friendships with those people were okay in a nice impersonal distant way without bringing my sexuality into things as it wasn't a big part of my life at that point.

    I hope it goes well for you.