This was my first post on here (from about a month and a half ago), that basically describes what I'm all about these days...
I've read all of the things about how 'life is worth living', etc., and I can predict what a lot of you are gonna say about it. I really do feel that my only option is to now kill myself. I hate it, but there's no where else to go. I can't go back and be what I was and I can't continue on in life. I am nothing.
You see, I've been suicidal for months (and I've been suicidal years before too), been depressed on and off for years. I'm 17. I've developed serious mental problems that I can't even begin to explain. I've been really depressed since about last November and around May things took a huge turn for the worse and I couldn't go to school anymore. On my birthday in February I cut my legs up pretty badly, all the while laughing and listening to music, and breaking and slamming things. My life has been total shit since I've been born. My family sucks and I hate them (very typical thing to say, but that's how I feel). I've been living in a small apartment all my life. All I've known is conflict and yelling my entire childhood. I only had a brief childhood, before I was forced to grow up to quickly. I hate my dad so much it hurts. And I'm also so immensely embarrassed by my family that I avoid at all costs my friends seeing them or even being associated with them.
During my last few weeks of attending school (and as things were getting progressively worse), I really started to lose it. Just felt like shit everyday. Then the serious mental problems kicked in. I remember going to school in the morning and then got freaked out for no reason, and quickly left before class started. My paranoia was reaching new heights at this time and it's even higher now. I've developed a fear of socializing with people and just being out when there's people around. I feel that people stare at me too much. Anyways, I tried to walk home, but every time I tried to walk in the correct direction, I'd go in another because there was people up ahead. I was cornered into being in the downtown area, acting like a freak, wide paranoid eyes. My heart was racing being there. I felt trapped and wanted to freak out so badly it hurt.
Since I've stopped going to school, I've cut off all communication with my friends. I've had two close friends for years, and I started to feel that they were not liking me anymore for no apparent reason and talking behind my back. Then someone who I thought was my friend and someone who I actually kind of admired, called me one day and asked me to fight, for no reason. I never did anything to him, and he was not joking. Then he calls me an asshole and says that no one likes me, etc. All I've ever done my whole life is to try and fit in, and I've never intended to be mean to anyone because I know all to well what that feels like. I had no idea what this was coming from. I remember that was a Friday and I didn't go to school the week after. Then I went the following Monday after that week, and felt so out of place and felt like I didn't belong anymore. So I quickly left after that first class and have never been back since. I also felt that my parents had told one of my closest friend's mom that I was suicidal, and I've never felt so betrayed in my life because that was something I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. And so during that one class and was with that friend and he kept mentioning suicide in jokes and in casual conversation.
I've also have had very very little self esteem my whole life. I'm fat, ugly, acne ridden, etc. There was a time not too long ago before I became like I am now, where I would try. Try and lose weight (and I did, but I couldn't do enough, and it frustrated me to no end), I have asthma and have still tried so hard during that time in my life to try and lose weight, but I could never ever lose enough. I tried at having a social life, I in general, tried at life. Now I don't. My self esteem is so low, that now I don't even go out in public. I've been having the same routine for the past four months. I only go outside to take my dog out, and when I do, my heart races (because I live on a busy street where cars are constantly going by). I'm terrified of going outside and I consistently feel trapped and isolated when I do. When my parents are home, I even confine myself to my room and I don't ever leave it, I piss in bottles instead of going to the bathroom. I also talk to myself a lot and in general act in a very psychotic manner sometimes. I'll talk to myself, yell for no reason. Lately I've even been cutting myself on my arms pretty deeply. I'm also ready to completely snap at any moment, and I have a lot of built up rage and anger. I feel as though I could actually easily kill someone. I've been wishing for a gun for so long, to kill myself with. I'm also frustrated that I have no options for killing myself. There's nothing to do it with. No guns around, no pills. I've been thinking that I'll probably just get a rope somehow and hang myself.
I've literally been living the same day every day for the past four months. A while ago, one of my friends would call and I won't answer. They even showed up at my door and I didn't bother. I feel like it's almost as if they just want to know what's been happening for the sake of telling others and to solve some sort of mystery. Like I'm a fucking urban legend. No one really cares. My parents don't even care anymore, they know I'm intensely suicidal but don't even really do anything. I can also go days without talking to them.
I've been hanging on for so long because all I do every day is escape reality. And that is why I hate looking in any sort of mirror. It reminds me of how ugly I am and how worthless I am. I have no future. I do anything that keeps my mind off of the shit and all I have now are dreams and fantasies. I'm so lonely too, it hurts. I have no one. My only friend is my fucking dog. I've never had a girlfriend, never went to a dance, never done anything with a girl. And I know how behind I am in everything, literally everything. And all I want now is someone to confide to, someone who cares. I'm way beyond the point of redeeming myself. Sometimes I think that I'll just pull myself together and get back on track. But now, I've gained weight since I have no desire to work out anymore, I have worse acne. And I don't even know how I'll be socially. I just can't bear to go back to school now, since I'm even worse. School starts in a few days, and it just reminds of how much a failure I am. I can't go back, and I don't want to see anyone and I don't wanna hear them asking where I've been, what I've been doing. School being a few days just makes me feel more trapped and more committed to killing myself. You all have no idea how hard is for me to admit this to anyone, even strangers online.
So, it's been over a month since I typed that and nothing has changed. I'm still in this endless cycle every day of doing the same thing over and over and over. And I'm feeling more pressured now to kill myself or do SOMETHING drastic because my parents are telling me now that they're separating. My mom will be moving to a new place and I'll probably be stuck here with my dad, which is not going to work. I will beat the **** out of him, no doubt, one of these days. And I get the feeling that everything is probably my fault because I'm fucked up and suicidal in the worst of ways, even though I DO NOT bother anyone about it, I talk to none of them, and yet it's my fault. Oh, I also have cut myself a lot more since that original post too. I just want to be completely left alone, but they can't even do that for me. I ask for nothing, and I get nothing. That has been fine with me for the longest of time now. But they just HAVE to make things worse by putting the pressure on me to live here with my father, which like I have stated, simply will not work. And I cannot live with my mother either, I cannot change my surroundings because I'm so used to being in this predicament and in this same place that I can't just change overnight. Everybody has to just keep eating away at what's left of me, until they fucking drive me to kill myself. I'm going to explode.
So, I've been wondering about just checking myself into a mental hospital, if anything to get away from everyone. Or, I'll just attempt to kill myself so that maybe people will finally take me seriously about this. I've displayed my destructive side so many times now, bashing my head on the wall, cutting my arms, choking myself with my dog's leash. And I've felt nothing. Pain is nothing to me, I just want somebody to get it.
As well, the other day I swear to god I saw my friend's car in my back drive way, and two of my other friends getting out and one of them looked up at my window. I use the term friends, but I haven't seen or spoken to them in over five months. So naturally, I freaked out, because I CANNOT have anyone I used to know see me the way I am now. Heart rate jacked, and my mind running a mile a minute, I paced around my squalid room thinking about what I was going to do because I thought that they were going to come up to my apartment and see if I was home. They didn't, then shortly after, I looked out my window and they were gone. The thing is, I'm starting to wonder if they were actually there. I'm thinking it's possible that my mind is deteriorating even more, and I'm imagining things and maybe becoming schizophrenic or something.
The thing is, I'm so guarded and paranoid now that it's going to be really hard to just seek help from a mental hospital like that. I haven't been anywhere but my room in so long, that I just don't know how to interact anymore. I'm worried that it'll just make things worse.
Any advice would be amazing, especially from someone who has had experience with seeking professional help, or even better, been to a mental hospital.
I've read all of the things about how 'life is worth living', etc., and I can predict what a lot of you are gonna say about it. I really do feel that my only option is to now kill myself. I hate it, but there's no where else to go. I can't go back and be what I was and I can't continue on in life. I am nothing.
You see, I've been suicidal for months (and I've been suicidal years before too), been depressed on and off for years. I'm 17. I've developed serious mental problems that I can't even begin to explain. I've been really depressed since about last November and around May things took a huge turn for the worse and I couldn't go to school anymore. On my birthday in February I cut my legs up pretty badly, all the while laughing and listening to music, and breaking and slamming things. My life has been total shit since I've been born. My family sucks and I hate them (very typical thing to say, but that's how I feel). I've been living in a small apartment all my life. All I've known is conflict and yelling my entire childhood. I only had a brief childhood, before I was forced to grow up to quickly. I hate my dad so much it hurts. And I'm also so immensely embarrassed by my family that I avoid at all costs my friends seeing them or even being associated with them.
During my last few weeks of attending school (and as things were getting progressively worse), I really started to lose it. Just felt like shit everyday. Then the serious mental problems kicked in. I remember going to school in the morning and then got freaked out for no reason, and quickly left before class started. My paranoia was reaching new heights at this time and it's even higher now. I've developed a fear of socializing with people and just being out when there's people around. I feel that people stare at me too much. Anyways, I tried to walk home, but every time I tried to walk in the correct direction, I'd go in another because there was people up ahead. I was cornered into being in the downtown area, acting like a freak, wide paranoid eyes. My heart was racing being there. I felt trapped and wanted to freak out so badly it hurt.
Since I've stopped going to school, I've cut off all communication with my friends. I've had two close friends for years, and I started to feel that they were not liking me anymore for no apparent reason and talking behind my back. Then someone who I thought was my friend and someone who I actually kind of admired, called me one day and asked me to fight, for no reason. I never did anything to him, and he was not joking. Then he calls me an asshole and says that no one likes me, etc. All I've ever done my whole life is to try and fit in, and I've never intended to be mean to anyone because I know all to well what that feels like. I had no idea what this was coming from. I remember that was a Friday and I didn't go to school the week after. Then I went the following Monday after that week, and felt so out of place and felt like I didn't belong anymore. So I quickly left after that first class and have never been back since. I also felt that my parents had told one of my closest friend's mom that I was suicidal, and I've never felt so betrayed in my life because that was something I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. And so during that one class and was with that friend and he kept mentioning suicide in jokes and in casual conversation.
I've also have had very very little self esteem my whole life. I'm fat, ugly, acne ridden, etc. There was a time not too long ago before I became like I am now, where I would try. Try and lose weight (and I did, but I couldn't do enough, and it frustrated me to no end), I have asthma and have still tried so hard during that time in my life to try and lose weight, but I could never ever lose enough. I tried at having a social life, I in general, tried at life. Now I don't. My self esteem is so low, that now I don't even go out in public. I've been having the same routine for the past four months. I only go outside to take my dog out, and when I do, my heart races (because I live on a busy street where cars are constantly going by). I'm terrified of going outside and I consistently feel trapped and isolated when I do. When my parents are home, I even confine myself to my room and I don't ever leave it, I piss in bottles instead of going to the bathroom. I also talk to myself a lot and in general act in a very psychotic manner sometimes. I'll talk to myself, yell for no reason. Lately I've even been cutting myself on my arms pretty deeply. I'm also ready to completely snap at any moment, and I have a lot of built up rage and anger. I feel as though I could actually easily kill someone. I've been wishing for a gun for so long, to kill myself with. I'm also frustrated that I have no options for killing myself. There's nothing to do it with. No guns around, no pills. I've been thinking that I'll probably just get a rope somehow and hang myself.
I've literally been living the same day every day for the past four months. A while ago, one of my friends would call and I won't answer. They even showed up at my door and I didn't bother. I feel like it's almost as if they just want to know what's been happening for the sake of telling others and to solve some sort of mystery. Like I'm a fucking urban legend. No one really cares. My parents don't even care anymore, they know I'm intensely suicidal but don't even really do anything. I can also go days without talking to them.
I've been hanging on for so long because all I do every day is escape reality. And that is why I hate looking in any sort of mirror. It reminds me of how ugly I am and how worthless I am. I have no future. I do anything that keeps my mind off of the shit and all I have now are dreams and fantasies. I'm so lonely too, it hurts. I have no one. My only friend is my fucking dog. I've never had a girlfriend, never went to a dance, never done anything with a girl. And I know how behind I am in everything, literally everything. And all I want now is someone to confide to, someone who cares. I'm way beyond the point of redeeming myself. Sometimes I think that I'll just pull myself together and get back on track. But now, I've gained weight since I have no desire to work out anymore, I have worse acne. And I don't even know how I'll be socially. I just can't bear to go back to school now, since I'm even worse. School starts in a few days, and it just reminds of how much a failure I am. I can't go back, and I don't want to see anyone and I don't wanna hear them asking where I've been, what I've been doing. School being a few days just makes me feel more trapped and more committed to killing myself. You all have no idea how hard is for me to admit this to anyone, even strangers online.
So, it's been over a month since I typed that and nothing has changed. I'm still in this endless cycle every day of doing the same thing over and over and over. And I'm feeling more pressured now to kill myself or do SOMETHING drastic because my parents are telling me now that they're separating. My mom will be moving to a new place and I'll probably be stuck here with my dad, which is not going to work. I will beat the **** out of him, no doubt, one of these days. And I get the feeling that everything is probably my fault because I'm fucked up and suicidal in the worst of ways, even though I DO NOT bother anyone about it, I talk to none of them, and yet it's my fault. Oh, I also have cut myself a lot more since that original post too. I just want to be completely left alone, but they can't even do that for me. I ask for nothing, and I get nothing. That has been fine with me for the longest of time now. But they just HAVE to make things worse by putting the pressure on me to live here with my father, which like I have stated, simply will not work. And I cannot live with my mother either, I cannot change my surroundings because I'm so used to being in this predicament and in this same place that I can't just change overnight. Everybody has to just keep eating away at what's left of me, until they fucking drive me to kill myself. I'm going to explode.
So, I've been wondering about just checking myself into a mental hospital, if anything to get away from everyone. Or, I'll just attempt to kill myself so that maybe people will finally take me seriously about this. I've displayed my destructive side so many times now, bashing my head on the wall, cutting my arms, choking myself with my dog's leash. And I've felt nothing. Pain is nothing to me, I just want somebody to get it.
As well, the other day I swear to god I saw my friend's car in my back drive way, and two of my other friends getting out and one of them looked up at my window. I use the term friends, but I haven't seen or spoken to them in over five months. So naturally, I freaked out, because I CANNOT have anyone I used to know see me the way I am now. Heart rate jacked, and my mind running a mile a minute, I paced around my squalid room thinking about what I was going to do because I thought that they were going to come up to my apartment and see if I was home. They didn't, then shortly after, I looked out my window and they were gone. The thing is, I'm starting to wonder if they were actually there. I'm thinking it's possible that my mind is deteriorating even more, and I'm imagining things and maybe becoming schizophrenic or something.
The thing is, I'm so guarded and paranoid now that it's going to be really hard to just seek help from a mental hospital like that. I haven't been anywhere but my room in so long, that I just don't know how to interact anymore. I'm worried that it'll just make things worse.
Any advice would be amazing, especially from someone who has had experience with seeking professional help, or even better, been to a mental hospital.
) and you'll do better! HUGS HUGS!.. 