Should I commit myself to a mental hospital? (please respond if you can)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by createdforopinion, Oct 6, 2009.

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  1. createdforopinion

    createdforopinion Active Member

    This was my first post on here (from about a month and a half ago), that basically describes what I'm all about these days...

    I've read all of the things about how 'life is worth living', etc., and I can predict what a lot of you are gonna say about it. I really do feel that my only option is to now kill myself. I hate it, but there's no where else to go. I can't go back and be what I was and I can't continue on in life. I am nothing.

    You see, I've been suicidal for months (and I've been suicidal years before too), been depressed on and off for years. I'm 17. I've developed serious mental problems that I can't even begin to explain. I've been really depressed since about last November and around May things took a huge turn for the worse and I couldn't go to school anymore. On my birthday in February I cut my legs up pretty badly, all the while laughing and listening to music, and breaking and slamming things. My life has been total shit since I've been born. My family sucks and I hate them (very typical thing to say, but that's how I feel). I've been living in a small apartment all my life. All I've known is conflict and yelling my entire childhood. I only had a brief childhood, before I was forced to grow up to quickly. I hate my dad so much it hurts. And I'm also so immensely embarrassed by my family that I avoid at all costs my friends seeing them or even being associated with them.

    During my last few weeks of attending school (and as things were getting progressively worse), I really started to lose it. Just felt like shit everyday. Then the serious mental problems kicked in. I remember going to school in the morning and then got freaked out for no reason, and quickly left before class started. My paranoia was reaching new heights at this time and it's even higher now. I've developed a fear of socializing with people and just being out when there's people around. I feel that people stare at me too much. Anyways, I tried to walk home, but every time I tried to walk in the correct direction, I'd go in another because there was people up ahead. I was cornered into being in the downtown area, acting like a freak, wide paranoid eyes. My heart was racing being there. I felt trapped and wanted to freak out so badly it hurt.

    Since I've stopped going to school, I've cut off all communication with my friends. I've had two close friends for years, and I started to feel that they were not liking me anymore for no apparent reason and talking behind my back. Then someone who I thought was my friend and someone who I actually kind of admired, called me one day and asked me to fight, for no reason. I never did anything to him, and he was not joking. Then he calls me an asshole and says that no one likes me, etc. All I've ever done my whole life is to try and fit in, and I've never intended to be mean to anyone because I know all to well what that feels like. I had no idea what this was coming from. I remember that was a Friday and I didn't go to school the week after. Then I went the following Monday after that week, and felt so out of place and felt like I didn't belong anymore. So I quickly left after that first class and have never been back since. I also felt that my parents had told one of my closest friend's mom that I was suicidal, and I've never felt so betrayed in my life because that was something I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. And so during that one class and was with that friend and he kept mentioning suicide in jokes and in casual conversation.

    I've also have had very very little self esteem my whole life. I'm fat, ugly, acne ridden, etc. There was a time not too long ago before I became like I am now, where I would try. Try and lose weight (and I did, but I couldn't do enough, and it frustrated me to no end), I have asthma and have still tried so hard during that time in my life to try and lose weight, but I could never ever lose enough. I tried at having a social life, I in general, tried at life. Now I don't. My self esteem is so low, that now I don't even go out in public. I've been having the same routine for the past four months. I only go outside to take my dog out, and when I do, my heart races (because I live on a busy street where cars are constantly going by). I'm terrified of going outside and I consistently feel trapped and isolated when I do. When my parents are home, I even confine myself to my room and I don't ever leave it, I piss in bottles instead of going to the bathroom. I also talk to myself a lot and in general act in a very psychotic manner sometimes. I'll talk to myself, yell for no reason. Lately I've even been cutting myself on my arms pretty deeply. I'm also ready to completely snap at any moment, and I have a lot of built up rage and anger. I feel as though I could actually easily kill someone. I've been wishing for a gun for so long, to kill myself with. I'm also frustrated that I have no options for killing myself. There's nothing to do it with. No guns around, no pills. I've been thinking that I'll probably just get a rope somehow and hang myself.

    I've literally been living the same day every day for the past four months. A while ago, one of my friends would call and I won't answer. They even showed up at my door and I didn't bother. I feel like it's almost as if they just want to know what's been happening for the sake of telling others and to solve some sort of mystery. Like I'm a fucking urban legend. No one really cares. My parents don't even care anymore, they know I'm intensely suicidal but don't even really do anything. I can also go days without talking to them.

    I've been hanging on for so long because all I do every day is escape reality. And that is why I hate looking in any sort of mirror. It reminds me of how ugly I am and how worthless I am. I have no future. I do anything that keeps my mind off of the shit and all I have now are dreams and fantasies. I'm so lonely too, it hurts. I have no one. My only friend is my fucking dog. I've never had a girlfriend, never went to a dance, never done anything with a girl. And I know how behind I am in everything, literally everything. And all I want now is someone to confide to, someone who cares. I'm way beyond the point of redeeming myself. Sometimes I think that I'll just pull myself together and get back on track. But now, I've gained weight since I have no desire to work out anymore, I have worse acne. And I don't even know how I'll be socially. I just can't bear to go back to school now, since I'm even worse. School starts in a few days, and it just reminds of how much a failure I am. I can't go back, and I don't want to see anyone and I don't wanna hear them asking where I've been, what I've been doing. School being a few days just makes me feel more trapped and more committed to killing myself. You all have no idea how hard is for me to admit this to anyone, even strangers online.

    So, it's been over a month since I typed that and nothing has changed. I'm still in this endless cycle every day of doing the same thing over and over and over. And I'm feeling more pressured now to kill myself or do SOMETHING drastic because my parents are telling me now that they're separating. My mom will be moving to a new place and I'll probably be stuck here with my dad, which is not going to work. I will beat the **** out of him, no doubt, one of these days. And I get the feeling that everything is probably my fault because I'm fucked up and suicidal in the worst of ways, even though I DO NOT bother anyone about it, I talk to none of them, and yet it's my fault. Oh, I also have cut myself a lot more since that original post too. I just want to be completely left alone, but they can't even do that for me. I ask for nothing, and I get nothing. That has been fine with me for the longest of time now. But they just HAVE to make things worse by putting the pressure on me to live here with my father, which like I have stated, simply will not work. And I cannot live with my mother either, I cannot change my surroundings because I'm so used to being in this predicament and in this same place that I can't just change overnight. Everybody has to just keep eating away at what's left of me, until they fucking drive me to kill myself. I'm going to explode.

    So, I've been wondering about just checking myself into a mental hospital, if anything to get away from everyone. Or, I'll just attempt to kill myself so that maybe people will finally take me seriously about this. I've displayed my destructive side so many times now, bashing my head on the wall, cutting my arms, choking myself with my dog's leash. And I've felt nothing. Pain is nothing to me, I just want somebody to get it.

    As well, the other day I swear to god I saw my friend's car in my back drive way, and two of my other friends getting out and one of them looked up at my window. I use the term friends, but I haven't seen or spoken to them in over five months. So naturally, I freaked out, because I CANNOT have anyone I used to know see me the way I am now. Heart rate jacked, and my mind running a mile a minute, I paced around my squalid room thinking about what I was going to do because I thought that they were going to come up to my apartment and see if I was home. They didn't, then shortly after, I looked out my window and they were gone. The thing is, I'm starting to wonder if they were actually there. I'm thinking it's possible that my mind is deteriorating even more, and I'm imagining things and maybe becoming schizophrenic or something.

    The thing is, I'm so guarded and paranoid now that it's going to be really hard to just seek help from a mental hospital like that. I haven't been anywhere but my room in so long, that I just don't know how to interact anymore. I'm worried that it'll just make things worse.

    Any advice would be amazing, especially from someone who has had experience with seeking professional help, or even better, been to a mental hospital.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You sound alot like my daughter she was 19 and she isolated cut herself got involved with alcohol drugs she did everything to self destruct She needed help and so do you. Call the crisis line now and get help to stop all this pain your in call the hospital emerg and tell them you are going to kill yourself and get the help you need Don't waist anymore of your valuable time on sitting around hoping someone will notice they won't You need to take care of you so call the hospital now and YES get your self admitted so you can get on medication and feeling better about your life and future. There is help and you need it and deserve it Call now do it now pick up the phone and say come get me i am at the end and i need protection from myself i need medication and care. YOU are Worth it.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'll try to be brief here, then I will send you a pm. You may not have to go to a mental hospital. I tried to read everything and I don't remember anything about meds or therapy or m.d.'s.

    You need to forget about friends and your looks for now and concentrate on getting your mental state in order.

    I had a friend who very close to being in your position aside from the looks, and he just shot himself recently. He was find on the mile antidepressants, they just made him a little tired. I'm 54 and have been on meds and in therapy for many years off and on.

    I'll try my best to advise you. Please responsd asap.

  4. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i have been in inpatient at a hospital three times. pretty much the hospital is there to stabilize you or detox you. if you don't feel stable i would definitely go. personally for me, they only made things worst. but your a different person then i am.

    if you do go into inpatient i'm sure when you're done they will ask you to do outpatient. maybe go everyday after everyone is done school.

    i'm sorry to hear about your parents seperating. when my parents did when i was 7, my depression started. since you're older it should be a little easier..maybe.

    if you ever need to talk, don't be afraid to contact me.
  5. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I was in a psych ward when I was 15 -- outpatient. I have mixed feelings about it, but a lot of that was due to the nature of my particular situation.

    It gave me a mistrust of mental health professionals in general. Mostly because the psychiatrists didn't understand my that my parents were both INSANE and they told my parents everything I said and it just made things worse. I wish they had just worked with ME. I know I was only 15, but even as I look at it with adult eyes, I think they messed up.

    That said, I don't have to worry about parents now, and I am considering having myself committed again. So it didn't turn me off completely. It does sound like you need some intense help, someone to take care of you and help you get through what you're going through.
  6. kris..

    kris.. Well-Known Member

    I've been in a hospital both sectioned and voluntarily!! voluntary isnt that bad i suppose but dont get sectioned!!!
  7. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    I agree! I've been in hospital about 3 or 4 times over the last 12 months. Don't get in there involuntarily if you can help it. They kept me in there for a few weeks involuntarily and made me miss my final uni exams and fail.

    Good luck! Let us know what you end up doing
  8. princewacky

    princewacky Member

    you dont have to admit your slf to a mental hospital..

    i know you have a rough life, well... everyone does..
    see the brighter side of life.. have fun! forget your worries..
    nah, smile... laugh...(just dont laugh for no reason, hahaha.. kidding! ;) ) and you'll do better! HUGS HUGS!.. ;)

  9. J_Oli3

    J_Oli3 Well-Known Member

    I've been wondering the same myself. How do you voluntarily commit yourself to a psychiatrict unit/mental hospital? Also, has anyone from the UK done so, what happens, where did you go etc?
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Wow so many things I want to share and tell you. Dont even know where to start. First, I'm from Canada too so the info I give should more or less work for you too. Before you do anything else, make an appointment with your gp (family doc). Go in and tell them exactly what you have been saying here. Print off a copy of your posts and take them with you if you think telling them would be too difficult. You're doc can get you involved with a therapist, counsellor, pdoc anything that would help you. He can prescribe meds that will help you with your mental health issues and your acne. Once you see the therapist or pdoc or whatever route you take, you can get brochures about your conditions and take them home. Leave them where your parents will have to see them. In Canada once you are 16 (atleast where I am) you're parents do not have to know what went on in your docs office. But I think once you get to see a pdoc or therapist, after a few visits, maybe try and get your parents to attend 1 visit so they can see just how serious you are.

    Your parents seperating is NOT your fault. How or where their marriage is heading has nothing to do with you. It is all about them. How they could or couldnt make things work. Maybe because of the problems they have been facing with their marriage they havent been able to see what you are struggling with. Too many parents seem to think this is a phase that teens go through and tend to wait to see if you wil "grow out if it". And then throw in their daily problems and bam you get left to try and fix things all alone. Have you tried to sit down and lay it all out in front of them? Make a specific time, schedule it in advance and just sit them down and tell them everything. If they already seem to know and arent doing any thing about it, then atleast you tried. But maybe, just maybe they really arent aware of just how bad things are for you. Regardless of whether they are seperating or not, they still have to consider your needs too. And in the court system, once you are 14 you can decide which parent you want to be with. The courts are really set in what is in the best interest of children involved in seperating or divorce cases.

    And yes the hospital is still a good option too. But if you arent an immediate danger to yourself then you have some time to look into the other things. Another great thing is a support group. There are many available. A good way to gradually start getting yourself involved with being out where there are other people. The groups are usually not too big and it is an opportunity to find even more resources that will help you. And everyone there is or has been exactly where you are now. Also a great chance to find a new friend or two that really understands you. No need to question why they want to be your friend or what their hidden agenda might be.

    Still lots to share if you're interested. But I'm rambling almost. Oh and for the record, I'm 45. I have 4 children 18, 16, 14 and 4. I have and still am going through a divorce and have been trying to help my children through many of the same things you are dealing with right now. I am bipolar and suffer with severe depression, panic and anxiety attacks, am a I SH'er and battle suicidal thoughts and urges daily. So if I can help in anyway please pm and let me know. You arent as alone as you think you are. There is still a lot of help available to you. And you have started to find some by just being here and letting members know your story.
  11. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Wow you certainly are going through it aren't you. I've been in two mental health facilities, both were involuntary and I did not want to be there. The first one was more lenient than the second, perhaps because it was a psych ward and not so much an institution. We were allowed to wander around and congregate as we pleased, drink decaf coffee and smoke all day on the patio if we wanted. We were permitted to attend art classes and watch TV. The only mandatory involvement was that we were required to attend group therapy twice a day. At first I hated this as I had S.A.D, but it was actually this group involvement that brought me out of that.

    The second one was more like a prison; we were told what to do and when to do it, and there was not a lot of therapy other than my seeing the counselor twice. Having said that....Even though I did not want to be there and I couldn't wait to get out, I learned a lot from it, and it certainly helped with my healing process. I was released after my 72 hour mandatory stay and told to attend outpatient clinic. I got the meds I needed from the asylum, the reality check I needed, and therapy from outpatient. They did not need to diagnose me as I knew what was wrong with me and why I attempted suicide. It is the not knowing that is confusing and more painful.

    I personally feel you should first see a psychiatrist if you are not in immediate danger of harming yourself. If you are....check yourself in to a facility then do the out-patience. You DO need help that's obvious. As for the Acne: Get your doctor to prescribe you Minocycline or Tetracycline. I used to get acne too, real bad, big frigging abscesses that were so painful. These meds will clear it up. I took minocycline from the age of 19-27 then stopped and they started up again, so now I take Tetracycline and I have been fine with regards to that. The only side effect I get from them is having to avoid the sun as it brings about what they call a pregnancy mask, which is like brown patches of pigmentation on the face. Avoiding the sun meaning not laying out in it.

    Anyway, I wish you the best with your treatment.
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Not sure about the UK but the best thing to do is to go into the Emergency at any hospital and tell them that you are a danger to yourself as you are feeling suicidal and want to act on those urges. That would classify as voluntary admit. Or you can call the local police station and tell them the same thing. In Canada they will come and "arrest" you under the Mental Health Act. But it is not the same as a criminal arrest and nothing will appear on your record or in the courts. Just a way to label the paper work involved with them having to come out basically. But if you are not in immediate danger try some of the other things that were suggested to the OP. Once you have seen a pdoc or therapist they can also help you get in to a pward if they feel it is necessary. No matter what option you follow keep posting here and know you are not alone with any of the things that are pushing you. Good luck
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