Should i confront my recent ex-boyfriend about how he might have sexually assaulted me?

[Arwen]

We broke up about a month ago now, and i haven't spoken to him since, except for last week when i asked if he wanted his stuff back.

I don't know if i'm over reacting, i'm aware that tonnes of people have been through way worse in terms of relationships and in sexual assault, which i'm not even sure if this was, but it's really been bothering me, and has scared me quite a lot, and just made me question everything about him. And i feel used and worthless and just feel like i want to ask him what happened and why he did it.

Basically, he dumped me because he found out i was depressed. I was really really drunk after going out with him and his friends clubbing, and cried and told him everything. Then we went back to his house, and we had sex. This is bad enough to me, because although we have had sex drunk before, i was the drunkest i've ever been, we had been arguing a bit apparently, and i was falling over, slurring, and i'd cried for like the whole 30 min journey home, and told him things that i haven't told anyone, and didn't intend on telling him. I just don;t think that i would have wanted to have sex with him after telling him all that, and feeling so rubbish. I don't remember much, so its hard for me to say if i consented or not, but I doubt i would have consented if i had been a bit more sober.

Then when we were back at his, i hardly remember anything, except bits which i wont obviously go into on here. But i know that he did something to me because of something he said at the time. It wasn't really bad for most people, it's just that it was something that i had told him before i didn't want to do. And i wasn't aware of what he was doing otherwise i would have stopped him. So basically i was not in a fit state for him to even have sex with me, if i wasn't even aware of the sensations on my body.

I guess i'm just mostly disappointed and shocked that he didn't respect me enough, especially as he said that he loved me. We'd only been together 4 months but i thought that he cared about me more than that.
Particularly seeing as i was crying and clearly vulnerable and unaware of what was going on, and instead of comforting me, or getting me to go to sleep and talk about it the next day, he tried to see how far he could go before he broke up with me.


Is that a bad idea to ask him about what happened?
i don't know whether it will make things worse.
And i don't want to become a crazy person who messages their ex about stupid things.
Is this a normal thing to do in this situation?

I think i just really want to ask him about it because i don't remember much, and i don't want to have falsely accused him of something in case that's not how it happened. And i really want to know why he did it, and how he could do that to someone he loved and then break up with them a few days later.

Thanks for your help

 

[yozhik]

Hey I'm really sorry you had to go through that. If you were that drunk what he did is rape I'm pretty sure no matter what you might have said. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting answers to those questions, it's not stupid but... you can't guarantee that he will be honest.

He doesn't seem to care about you at the present moment. He could gaslight you. So I think it's risky. I feel like you might be looking to him to validate your experience but I don't know if you want to give him that power. Especially when it's in his interest to say nothing happened, because otherwise he has to admit 'yeah sorry I'm a rapist.'

But there is literally no good reason for his actions. You have to deal with who he is showing himself to be, not who you thought he was. "After I found out my super drunk girlfriend had depression, I took her home to have sex with her before dumping her".....what story could he have besides 'I'm a selfish asshole'?

I just get the feeling that aside from worrying about the effects on other people, you do know and believe that whatever happened was wrong. You wouldn't feel this way if nothing happened. Trusting how you feel and ignoring the second guessing it is sometimes the closest to truth you can get. All the external validation in the world won't matter if you don't believe yourself. From my experience anyway.

Again I'm really sorry this happened :/

 

[QuantumLeap]

Heya @Arwen, welcome to our family
It sounds like you're in a bit of a quandary as to what to do... I am very sympathetic with that.
Before you decide what to do, I think you would want to be very clear about the end result you want to achieve and why you want to achieve that end result.
To specifically answer your question 'is it a bad idea to ask him what happened' - ultimately you will only get the story that suits him to give you. He will feel no compunction nor loyalty necessarily to be transparent with you.
To answer your 2nd question, I would say it's normal to feel violated if you are pretty sure he has overstepped a boundary. I wouldn't be sure what people would normally do in response to their feelings - I suppose it would vary depending on how long ago it happened and on how clearly they recalled what had happened.
Here is something to think about:
a) what would be the worst thing that would happen if you didn't confront him? and (it could bug you for a long time but the memories would likely fade soon??)
b) what would be the worst thing that would happen if you did confront him? (he would severely annoy you with his response and make you even more upset?? or he would tell you that, yes, he had done 'xyz' to you and it would leave you even more confused as to what to do??)
As @yozhik says, I would be worried that he could resort to gaslighting you, particularly as it happened just after you had shared with him about being depressed.
I trust this helps a little my friend.
Kind and warmest regards,
Cody

 

[Miss Invisible]

Hi Arwen,
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I agree with Yozhik and Cody. I am an advocate for sexual assault victims, as well as a survivor. I feel that every person is an individual and so is there circumstances surrounding the assault.

The best thing a victim(I don't like using the word victim, I prefer survivor) has is their voice. The next thing is that person's story. It may or may not come fully back to you. Our minds protect us in situations of trauma by suppressing portions of the event we cannot cope with until we are ready then it is slowly released to us. The effects of alcohol help as a suppressing agent.

It's a decision only you can make whether to speak to your ex whom you feel might be your rapist. If he did rape you, ask yourself is he someone you should be alone with asking these types of questions? Or should you meet in a supervised place with a support person and know what your dialogue will be ahead of time. That is just a safety plan if you absolutely have to have a conversation with him. I wouldn't recommend it but it is a personal choice that resides in you and I respect whatever you choose. Stay safe and know you can message me anytime.

 

[Arwen]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. It's really nice to hear from other people and not feel so alone.
Sorry this ended up being such a long reply :confused::confused: thought it better to reply to everyone in one go!

@yozhik , thanks so much for your reply! As i've recently realised, he was always quite good at gaslighting me to be honest, so maybe you are right and he would just make excuses and twist it onto me. Thats a really good point, and is probably where my main issues lie; I'm just finding it really hard to accept that he wasn't as nice as i thought he was. It's just so difficult to accept that, because for most of our relationship he was always very affectionate and loving, it was only after he found out i was depressed that he started behaving very differently. It's like he is 2 different people, and i guess i just want to understand him better, and if i confront him, maybe i will be able to accept that he is a horrible person, and then i can move on.

@CodyJ , thanks for your reply. i think the worst thing that could happen if i don't confront him about it would just be overthinking it, and worrying about it a lot, which i am already doing. It was a month ago now, but i still can't seem to forget about it. I probably will forget about it soon, because it's mainly upset me i think because i thought he cared about me. But its hard to forget at the moment, mainly because he goes to the same University as me, and we both live on campus, so he lives only 2 minutes walk away from me, and i'm always scared of bumping into him. I keep thinking I see him around campus, and being terrified, only to realise it isn't him. And i saw him at the uni nightclub on saturday night loads, but managed to avoid him. Its just horrible having to always be worried about bumping into him, and scared of being around him.
I think the worst thing that could happen would be for him to deny it i guess. Or to admit to doing it, but saying it was fine because we were in a relationship or something, Or for him to say he never loved me, so he doesn't care. But i think even if he says any of those things i would feel better, because i just really want to know if he is a monster, if he did lie about loving me, or if he didn't realise i would be upset. Then i think i can move on and stop thinking about him.

I guess i didn't want to admit to myself why i actually want to talk to him about it, telling myself its because i want to know what happened. But i think its actually because i just want him to know what he did. I want him to realise it was wrong, even though i don't expect him to apologise, i want him to feel guilty i guess. I know i;m such a terrible person for thinking that, and that is so selfish of me. I just really really hate him, and i hate that he just did that to me and left with no consequences. i guess i want to make him feel those consequences, and not let him get away with it that easily, probably so that i can stand up for myself now, because i wasn't able at the time.
I knowt hats a horrible reason to ask him about it

I don’t want to give him more power over the situation, as you said yozhik, so I might just tell him how i feel. I don’t think he realises it was wrong, because he didn’t apologise after it happened, even though I saw him a few times before we broke up, and he had pressured me into stuff when I was drunk before, so I think he thinks its normal.


@Miss Invisible , thanks for your reply, I don’t think that I would have the courage to talk to him in person, but I was thinking more about just messaging him on facebook or something. That way I can just leave the conversation if I want to, and have help form other people if I need it, and it shouldn’t be so scary.

Thanks for your help everyone