Should I do it again?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mpang123, Dec 16, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Right now, I'm in my cozy little apartment contemplating if I should attempt suicide again. I try to stay strong and be positive but my mind is playing tricks on me. My mind is saying, "I don't make a difference in this world anyway, so I should die if I want to". Being an attempt survivor, I am confused and frustrated that I still struggle with my internal voice trying to convince me that since it's almost the end of the year, I should make an end to my life. It's very appropriate, I think. I will make a grand exit. See who will really misses me. I feel so much like a hypocrite because I try to encourage others who are struggling with suicidal ideations to continue to fight when I'm going through it too. It doesn't make sense. I'm debating if I should at this very moment and I have a plan. I'm trying to think all the reasons why I shouldn't kill myself but I'm so tempted to dismiss all my reasons and just act it out. I think the devil is out to get me because he doesn't want to see me doing well and hanging on to living life. I'm trying so one knows how much I struggle to stay alive. It takes a lot of effort because this world can be such a negative place to live. I need to block out my suicidal ideations and refocus and ground myself and remember how hard my body fought to live through the last attempt. I almost really died, but somehow I'm still here. I'm fighting with myself right now and I hope I can make it, even if it's one day at a time or one minute, hour, or however long it takes for me to hang in there. It sucks being mentally ill. I had my share of coping and dealing with my mental illness. Not everyone understands what I go through to keep my sanity. If I die, people who knows me will know that it's my mental illness that got the best of me. I don't know, I hope this feeling and thought is just a passing through and that I'll get over it soon. Yes, I'm not perfect either. I have my demons too. That shows I'm only human and have bad thoughts too. Please don't judge me, for I already judge myself enough. Thank you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i am right there with you ok fighting those thoughts every day but you won't know who is missing you becauseif you leave you will be gone and only the pain is left behind for someone else to carry I understand i do the internal battle yes it is endless but the one thing that keeps me here is the want to end that battle with me no more suicide traits to pass on i won't do that but i do understand dam it the want to leave Ihope you know you will be missed you know that people do care so i hope you hang on
  3. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    No, but what I do think you should is suicide-proof your house. Fight through your mental and emotional pain, and when your head is clear, go about suicide-proofing your house. Eliminate all CONVENIENT methods of killing yourself. When I say convenient, I mean things that you are currently within your reach. I can't mention them here, but you know what I mean. Flush whatever you need to flush down the toilet. Throw away whatever yuo need to throw away. Once it's out of your house, you're done. This isn't a fool-proof plan, because there are obviously other ways of doing it, but I'm guessing you don't have access to the most lethal method, and getting said method will require you to really think about what you're getting, and why you're getting it. In that time, I know you're strong enough to say "what am I doing?" and not do it. The other lethal method you also have to think about doing. You're less likely to do it because it isn't a quick thing. It isn't on impulse. You'll still have time to change your mind. One of my preventative measures was to suicide-proof my house when I was "happy." Or at least coherent and thining clearly. When we're suicidal, we're irrational, we're not thinking clearly. So you should take care of thiswhen you can think clearly enough.

    This way, the next time you feel the way you feel now, your most convenient suicide methods will not be at your disposal. You'll be forced to push through the pain. So keep pushing through the pain.

    * I learned how to suicide-proof my own home (which I now regret doing, although I'm determined enough to undo the changes) through spending time in the psychiatric ward when I was 17. The hospitals were suicide-proofed.
  4. Insecurity

    Insecurity New Member

    Not sure what all of the rules are here, so I will read up on them, but that is an amazing idea I plan on doing it right now. As for mpang123, I can't say I know exactly what you're going through because I'm probably younger than you. I can say that I am also an attempt survivor, and I'm going through something similar. When I get down I KNOW it's my depression, and not really what I want. I try my best to cope with it. Call up a friend, play some video games, put on a movie, listen to music, pet my dog (it releases happy endorphins that you can only get when caring for something, like a child) Maybe a pet isn't an option, video games/movies isn't or listening to music isn't available at the time. Try sitting down, and breathing. I know it sounds stupid and I think it's stupid as well but it helps calm you down A LOT. Breath for 1 minute. Just 1 minute, no distractions, no music, no anything. Just sit or lay down, close your eyes and breath. Concentrate on your breathing, IN and OUT. Don't let thoughts come through, just think about your breathing. After a minute, you will feel relaxed, and calm. Although it might not completely get rid of all of your problems. It's nice to at least be calm and not so anxious or feeling overwhelmed when certain things cross your head. I hope I didn't break any rules, just trying to help.
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for giving me considerations. I especially like clearing out potential harmful things in my apartment. One time, I threw a hole bottle of medicine and my obsession about OD on it was lifted. Now, I have other meds but I really need them and that keeps me from ODing on those. Then, I have other silly things to take, but I'm afraid it will be painful. So, I distract myself by watching TV, listen to music, clean my apt. take a walk, pray, read a book, play the piano, take a nice shower, and smoke. It seems like I have plenty of things for me to do besides thinking about killing myself. I also practice grounding, if you know what I mean. I close my eyes and recall any objects that I remember in my apt., then I tell myself that at this moment I am safe, which is generally true. I'm not doing anything to harm myself right now. The last resort is to call the crisis line if I really am suicidal to the point I will do it at that moment. I have to catch myself though because I really don't want to go there. I hate the crisis line actually and I will utilize all my coping skills before I call them. They don't do anything for me if I'm too scared to admit that I have a plan. Then they'll just mention to try journaling and stuff to distract me. I love this forum because I can vent as honestly as I can without the threat of someone freaking out on me. I plan to keep living, but sometimes it's so hard. I know that many of you have felt like that. I'm not alone, I know. So, I will probably be all right. Thanks!
  6. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    You're welcome:)

    Yeah, I was just thinking about people who are depressed but NEED their medication. So you can't throw those out. Take care though:)
  7. Britt.woodman

    Britt.woodman Member

    I want to do it again
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