Right now, I'm in my cozy little apartment contemplating if I should attempt suicide again. I try to stay strong and be positive but my mind is playing tricks on me. My mind is saying, "I don't make a difference in this world anyway, so I should die if I want to". Being an attempt survivor, I am confused and frustrated that I still struggle with my internal voice trying to convince me that since it's almost the end of the year, I should make an end to my life. It's very appropriate, I think. I will make a grand exit. See who will really misses me. I feel so much like a hypocrite because I try to encourage others who are struggling with suicidal ideations to continue to fight when I'm going through it too. It doesn't make sense. I'm debating if I should at this very moment and I have a plan. I'm trying to think all the reasons why I shouldn't kill myself but I'm so tempted to dismiss all my reasons and just act it out. I think the devil is out to get me because he doesn't want to see me doing well and hanging on to living life. I'm trying so hard...no one knows how much I struggle to stay alive. It takes a lot of effort because this world can be such a negative place to live. I need to block out my suicidal ideations and refocus and ground myself and remember how hard my body fought to live through the last attempt. I almost really died, but somehow I'm still here. I'm fighting with myself right now and I hope I can make it, even if it's one day at a time or one minute, hour, or however long it takes for me to hang in there. It sucks being mentally ill. I had my share of coping and dealing with my mental illness. Not everyone understands what I go through to keep my sanity. If I die, people who knows me will know that it's my mental illness that got the best of me. I don't know, I hope this feeling and thought is just a passing through and that I'll get over it soon. Yes, I'm not perfect either. I have my demons too. That shows I'm only human and have bad thoughts too. Please don't judge me, for I already judge myself enough. Thank you.