Should I end my life?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ChessChrist, Mar 31, 2012.

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  1. ChessChrist

    ChessChrist New Member

    Let me make this concise:

    I was born with a disease that will kill me before I'm 22. I did not find out until I was eight.
    Since I was four, my dream was to join and die in the military. Obviously, this is an impossibility now.
    My older sister was a genius; her tutoring gave me what modest intelligence I have now. She died when I was seven.
    The loss of my sister, and the lack of all other family members (including my father) has driven my mother insane. She has schizophrenia, and she routinely beats me.
    Right after losing my sister, I was in foster care for four months, where I was molested on a daily basis by one of my "foster siblings." This has made me entirely averse to any form of friendship.
    I was chaotic for four years directly after, only recovering my behavior by reading the Bible, which led to a love of philosophy, now my chief interest life.
    I convinced myself that I might as well try to go to a good college. Although I attained a perfect superscore on the SAT, I had a low GPA throughout high school because of a lack of home work (I avoided going home to avoid my mother), so I was rejected from all colleges except one I cannot afford.

    I don't pity myself at all, and I never feel sad, despite the increasing severity of my disease and my mother's behavior. I always follow the famous quote of the Philippians, paraphrased as "Whatever is righteous, pure, etc., think of such things."

    But I've come to the realization that there is literally nothing good in my life at all.

    So, objectively speaking, should I end my life?
  2. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    You must be a super strong person to come through the other side of all those things that have happened in your life. Wow. I am inspired by your strength! I am wondering if you have found this site for a reason... to be inspiration to others going through a tough time. I know your story has just made me question why I feel the way I do and make me think if you can get through what you have then I can too.

    Please hang in there. YOu definitely should not end your life. I would love to hear more about your interest in philosophy. Stay strong. Take support from people in here when you need it because you have certainly given me strength this morning. Sending love and hugs your way. Keep us posted on how you are!
  3. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    Wow I'm sorry your mom is acting that way but don't let that get you down I'm sure she just doesn't know how to express her sadness of what has happend to you and your sister. I bet deep down inside she loves you very much despite the way she is acting. Also I think you are a strong person and I don't think you should give up. Strong people like you always seem to find a way to suceed you just have to try to find the right kind of friends and the right kind of people. As far as the homework goes I think you should try doing it in a Liberary or a coffee shop. Sorry I don't have that good of advice but you seem like a good person and I hope everything works out.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    If your span to live is destined to be shorter... why end it? Live each moment longer and harder.

    A good example of an incredible person is MICHAEL J. FOX. Despite his disease, he fights to help find a cure - even though he knows it will never be in time to cure himself. What an incredible person!!!

  5. b-rock

    b-rock Well-Known Member

    no. never. nothing to live for? you are young and still have yet to experience the world. right now you should try as much new things as possible so you know what you love and don't. why not start at a community college if you want to go back to school? education is education. but personally you should try only new things... you seem to have a great outlook from what you have already been through. just keep that positive attitude. when you get down listen too "I smile" by kirk franklin i have a feeling you will like this song.
  6. I don't know your age but I know that medicine is notoriously crummy at predicting life expectancies. So if you're trying to arrive at a rational decision about your options, and you're factoring in that you have X years left (I don't know your current age), I would want second and third opinions about that and I'd still add at least 50% to any estimates.

    Also my guess is that you feel trapped because of your mother's mental illness and you need to explore whether you're really stuck with her in your life or not. Are you 18 yet? If so I'd get the hell out. It might be dangerous and risky but what exactly have you got to lose?

    My first wife was schizophrenic plus she had BPD, so believe me, I understand what you're going through. You don't need this on top of everything else. I'd exhaust all possibilities to address that issue first.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you need to move away from your mother live in a group home perhaps where you do not have to put up with her abuse. Doctors have been wrong so many times with life expectancies hun and as said new medication new hope everyday. You stay here make friends with no judgements okay. Your post shows you have fighter in you don't give up okay hugs
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    You're an incredible person to have got this far with everything you've been through....... and you do have your faith in reason, logic and the metaphysical side of life..... You have not let the crap beat you yet, and like others have said, live your very best in each day with the hope that you have - and know that those who have been mean need our pity, as we realise we can cut ourselves free from the disappointment. Welcome to SF Chess, you're a :1st: survivor alright!
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I sense you are seeking. As you quoted Philippians, I recommend in addition to thinking on these things to do some of these things. Perhaps a good place to start is to do some volunteer work. A common place to volunteer is to serve food in a shelter for the homeless. Something as simple as this will bring some good feelings to your heart.

    I volunteer as a yarn craft group facilitator and many in the group would not have a social life without it. It brings good feelings to my heart. These good feelings are good medicine.

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