On the 10th of June this year which was a Saturday I remember that day as clear as daylight like it was only yesterday what I was wearing how I had my hair even what I had to eat that day. I woke up and I was in such a good mood I felt like things were looking up after going through a rocky few months. I lost weight due to coming of a medication that didn't agree with me so I suffered really bad side effects from it that made me feel really self conscious because they was so noticeable, as a result my confidence and self esteem was the best it had been in years, that in fact I decided to take a few selfies on my phone and upload them onto Facebook something I very rarely had the courage to do. My friend rang out of the blue hadn't heard from him for months said he wanted to see me to hang out to catch up that he missed me which I thought was really lovely of him, we hadn't known eachother that long met through my best friend. I told him to come late afternoon as I had my friend coming and I had things to do I needed to get on with before then. But he was so insistent in coming earlier in the end I told him to at least give me enough time to jump in the shower and stuff. He arrived we went out to grab some lunch which we brought back to mine to eat. We talked had a laugh he kissed me and I kissed him back but for some reason I started becoming uncomfortable the dreaded feeling in my stomach sensed that something just didn't sit right that's when the nervous laughing started, I held one of my guinea pigs to distract him from me then after that made up an excuse that he had to leave that my friend was turning up any minute even looked at my phone made out I had a text from her to make it look more convincing so he had to go, 5 more minutes he said, he then tried to make me do things I got up to walk out of the room said I was going for a cig outside as I didnt smoke in my house in which he stood in front of me blocking the doorway. I lied to him by telling him I didn't want to do that incase he went back and told all his friends about it I didn't want to offend him by telling him the real reason. He said he didn't want to make me do anything I felt uncomfortable with I sighed with relief I thought thank God he's gonna let me out but I was so wrong. He started kissing me again at one point I turned my cheek. He picked me up and took me to the bedroom where he put me on the bed I told him I didn't want this reiterated what he had said only moments before that he said he didn't want to make me do anything I felt uncomfortable with and that I was uncomfortable and in the end I just told him to get off me now at which point he did but he thought I was teasing him giving him a good enough reason to climb back on top of me he tried to take my belt off I thought oh god no please don't let him do this to me I prayed so hard like my life depended on it, he couldn't undo my belt I thought he's gonna give up hoping he would but then he managed it and I knew what was to come next I closed my eyes and I just led there so still too scared to move to even breathe. I tried to force my mind to take me to my safe place so I wasn't aware of what was happening and I couldn't feel anything but the thing is it wasn't just physically I couldn't escape from it but mentally couldn't either. I felt my body froze like the fear was paralyzing me when my thoughts were yelling at me fight him off to scream at the top of my lungs so someone could hear me but instinct soon took over that I had my guinea pigs to think off in the house I couldn't have them scared or allow any harm to come to them but also I had to survive so I could still continue to look after them. I looked in his eyes and all I saw was pure evil reflecting back at me. Down there I felt this burning pain never felt anything like it. I later learned the burning pain was due to my body reacting to the fear it could sense the danger and so because my mind wasn't strong enough to reject him my body tried to instead. It was that, that prevented him in raping me even more it lasting longer than it did because the burning heat was too hot for him. In a way it was a relief but I still had to deal with the fact he did succeed in raping me. After he was done he got of me at which point I was just so confused as I tried to put some clothes on as fast as I can. I told him he needed to go only this time he all of a sudden respected that. Kept asking me if I was ok I said I was, pretending I was fine just until he was out of my house and the door was locked because that would be when I was safe. He got in his car I turned to walk back in he called my name he had taken something of mine he borrowed I told him to just throw it back to me I was too scared to go near him he did and I went back in and as soon as I locked the door I walked up the stairs legs shaking that much it felt like they was going to give way.
I rang my sister crying she said I needed to report it to the police I said I couldn't as I was speaking to her someone else was ringing I looked at my screen and it was him. I told my sister I needed to answer that if I didn't he would know something was wrong and might come back so I hung up and answered hid call he just thanked me for a great time and took keep in touch which I replied ok.
I got ready to go out I arranged to see the staff and my friend at the supported accommodation i lived in prior to moving into my own place for a catch up they were expecting me. I cried on the way there but as soon as I arrived I dried my tears. Was welcomed in and they was all saying how well I looked inside I was thinking how can I tell them so I didn't I put on this act just to please them. I had to leave to get the bus back home I walked up to the bus shelter only I kept on walking and I found myself stood somewhere where I was contemplating ending it all.
I crouched down crying and shaking confused and distraught in the pouring rain. A guy stopped got out of his car I got up ready to flee because my first thought was he's come back but it wasn't him. He wanted to know what had happened it all came out he urged me to let him take me to the police station I thought how do I know if I can trust him to get in his car I needed to get back to my furbabies but in the end I allowed him to. I was led to a room by specially trained officers where I told them briefly what happened and they collected forensic evidence. I rang my sister I needed her by my side she came as quick as she could, as soon as I saw her I just sobbed as she held me. She stayed that night when the police gave us a lift back in an unmarked car that I requested, where they took more forensic evidence from my house including the clothes I was wearing.
All I wanted to do was have a shower but I couldn't because the earliest the police could get me into the safe centre was the next morning it was just so busy. I rang my mum so distressed that she told my sister I needed the out of hours doctor to come out to me to prescribe me some sedatives. They helped settle me abit. Next day two officers came to pick us up to take me to the safe centre where more samples were taken etc... then I went to my mum's afterwards where she hugged me as I just cried I could see the devastation in her face because someone had hurt her little girl that he had done this to me.
I didn't want to go back home but I couldn't stay with my foster mum and I had my guinea pigs to care for. The next few days I struggled to cope I deteriorated mentally so quickly that in the end I had to rehome my guinea pigs I could no longer meet their needs. My home no longer felt like a place I could call home it felt haunted by the memories of what he did it became more like a torture chamber to live in where it was slowly killing me. In the end I was admitted to hospital and had to move for my own safety.
Ever since I come out of hospital and moved into my new house beginning of August things have just gotten worse when I thought they would improve. I threw myself into trying to rebuild a new home for myself to distract me to give me something positive to do to focus on but a number of events happened that got in the way pulling me down even further. Some of the people I live with were also the culprits. I started drinking more heavily my drug use increased and I started having reckless sex whilst of my face, I had convinced myself it was all I was worth to people to be used and I just didnt care anymore. But because it was unprotected and with multiple people I didn't know I have to get tested again only this time it's my fault because it was through choice I am having to be not because I didn't.
I waited for trauma therapy for counselling only to be told they won't accept me because I am in self destruct mode the drinking and drugs putting myself in risky situations which I understand but I haven't taken the news too well tbh. I am seeing my care co ordinator (the bitch) next week to see where I go from there if I make it til then, I don't know. As for my family and friends they don't mention it anymore and when I speak to them they say can we not talk about it so I just shut up. It's as if people just expect me to put it behind me that 3 months is long enough to get over something like that I mean are they right should that be the case? Should I stop going on about it to people and just not talk about it anymore? Maybe I am being pathetic by making such a big deal of it all when time has passed. I just don't know.
I rang my sister crying she said I needed to report it to the police I said I couldn't as I was speaking to her someone else was ringing I looked at my screen and it was him. I told my sister I needed to answer that if I didn't he would know something was wrong and might come back so I hung up and answered hid call he just thanked me for a great time and took keep in touch which I replied ok.
I got ready to go out I arranged to see the staff and my friend at the supported accommodation i lived in prior to moving into my own place for a catch up they were expecting me. I cried on the way there but as soon as I arrived I dried my tears. Was welcomed in and they was all saying how well I looked inside I was thinking how can I tell them so I didn't I put on this act just to please them. I had to leave to get the bus back home I walked up to the bus shelter only I kept on walking and I found myself stood somewhere where I was contemplating ending it all.
I crouched down crying and shaking confused and distraught in the pouring rain. A guy stopped got out of his car I got up ready to flee because my first thought was he's come back but it wasn't him. He wanted to know what had happened it all came out he urged me to let him take me to the police station I thought how do I know if I can trust him to get in his car I needed to get back to my furbabies but in the end I allowed him to. I was led to a room by specially trained officers where I told them briefly what happened and they collected forensic evidence. I rang my sister I needed her by my side she came as quick as she could, as soon as I saw her I just sobbed as she held me. She stayed that night when the police gave us a lift back in an unmarked car that I requested, where they took more forensic evidence from my house including the clothes I was wearing.
All I wanted to do was have a shower but I couldn't because the earliest the police could get me into the safe centre was the next morning it was just so busy. I rang my mum so distressed that she told my sister I needed the out of hours doctor to come out to me to prescribe me some sedatives. They helped settle me abit. Next day two officers came to pick us up to take me to the safe centre where more samples were taken etc... then I went to my mum's afterwards where she hugged me as I just cried I could see the devastation in her face because someone had hurt her little girl that he had done this to me.
I didn't want to go back home but I couldn't stay with my foster mum and I had my guinea pigs to care for. The next few days I struggled to cope I deteriorated mentally so quickly that in the end I had to rehome my guinea pigs I could no longer meet their needs. My home no longer felt like a place I could call home it felt haunted by the memories of what he did it became more like a torture chamber to live in where it was slowly killing me. In the end I was admitted to hospital and had to move for my own safety.
Ever since I come out of hospital and moved into my new house beginning of August things have just gotten worse when I thought they would improve. I threw myself into trying to rebuild a new home for myself to distract me to give me something positive to do to focus on but a number of events happened that got in the way pulling me down even further. Some of the people I live with were also the culprits. I started drinking more heavily my drug use increased and I started having reckless sex whilst of my face, I had convinced myself it was all I was worth to people to be used and I just didnt care anymore. But because it was unprotected and with multiple people I didn't know I have to get tested again only this time it's my fault because it was through choice I am having to be not because I didn't.
I waited for trauma therapy for counselling only to be told they won't accept me because I am in self destruct mode the drinking and drugs putting myself in risky situations which I understand but I haven't taken the news too well tbh. I am seeing my care co ordinator (the bitch) next week to see where I go from there if I make it til then, I don't know. As for my family and friends they don't mention it anymore and when I speak to them they say can we not talk about it so I just shut up. It's as if people just expect me to put it behind me that 3 months is long enough to get over something like that I mean are they right should that be the case? Should I stop going on about it to people and just not talk about it anymore? Maybe I am being pathetic by making such a big deal of it all when time has passed. I just don't know.
hugs. <3
