Should I just go to the hospital tonight?
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
It doesn't feel like it's ever over even when it's over. It's like there's no way to stop suffering. I can usually figure out some kind of solution to most things. Even when I'm afraid to implement it, at the very least, I still know a solution exists. But here, no matter how hard I try to work it out, it's like there's literally nothing, no viable options that would make any of this remotely tolerable.
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I don't expect 'better' anytime. I hope for the ability to handle it. The tools to. Of getting to a place where you can handle being alone. Of knowing you're safe. Of knowing you're worth it. Of knowing you've the strength and ability to live life, and living it.
My magic wand is still mobilising. You can always borrow it. I think you'll make it sparkle a lot more than I would (I'd wave it as a fairy, you'd wave it differently, I somehow think).
My magic wand is still mobilising. You can always borrow it. I think you'll make it sparkle a lot more than I would (I'd wave it as a fairy, you'd wave it differently, I somehow think).
Ideally, yeah, the tools to handle it would be nice. But at the same time, I'm not the only problem. This isn't a normal situation. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but it keeps striking me as impossible that this sort of thing would keep happening out of the blue every single time as simply a string of bad luck. There has to be something else to all of this that I'm unaware of, but I can't figure out what for the fucking life of me. And I just keep suffering in the meantime because I don't have any alternative options that wouldn't completely break my sanity.
You're talking about what he does, yeah?
Coz' if you are - than that's what I mean the tools, so that you would have the tools to choose where you want to be and go, the choice to choose whether to stay or go. And you wouldn't be dependant on anyone so you wouldn't be stuck between the impossible and the impossible. Which is why I said all I did about getting to a place of handling etc.
If it's you that you're talking about, than it's the same. The way to handle differently so that you aren't causing anything (though I don't think it's what you meant).
At the moment you do keep suffering. I hope that you find a way to get somewhere different. Be it with a therapist or on your own. You're worth it. And I believe in you (maybe coz' you've always believed in me. But I believe in you because there's so much strength, courage, perseverance, joy, light and humour through/in you).
Coz' if you are - than that's what I mean the tools, so that you would have the tools to choose where you want to be and go, the choice to choose whether to stay or go. And you wouldn't be dependant on anyone so you wouldn't be stuck between the impossible and the impossible. Which is why I said all I did about getting to a place of handling etc.
If it's you that you're talking about, than it's the same. The way to handle differently so that you aren't causing anything (though I don't think it's what you meant).
At the moment you do keep suffering. I hope that you find a way to get somewhere different. Be it with a therapist or on your own. You're worth it. And I believe in you (maybe coz' you've always believed in me. But I believe in you because there's so much strength, courage, perseverance, joy, light and humour through/in you).
Yet 100% of the time, your worst fears haven't materialized.
It's not fair he puts you through this, but every time he has so far, he's survived intact. I think we all fear losing a loved one and the one you love would make most of us feel exactly the same way you do. There's no quick or easy solution but reminding yourself of all those times you went through hell for nothing might help you get through it better next time. You haven't fallen apart so far because you have more reserves of strength than you are realizing right now, so even when you're going through hell, keep going, don't give up.
It's not fair he puts you through this, but every time he has so far, he's survived intact. I think we all fear losing a loved one and the one you love would make most of us feel exactly the same way you do. There's no quick or easy solution but reminding yourself of all those times you went through hell for nothing might help you get through it better next time. You haven't fallen apart so far because you have more reserves of strength than you are realizing right now, so even when you're going through hell, keep going, don't give up.
It's often only in retrospect that we can see a point in our experience, and its only through experience that we are in the process of working it out. It can take a while for it all to make sense, but the hell you go through every time this happens isn't permanent, and knowing this may give you some detachment and peace instead of completely losing yourself in the chaos surrounding you.