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Should I know better?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by crunchie, May 26, 2012.

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  1. crunchie

    crunchie Well-Known Member

    I´m supposed to support other people, I am supposed to be saving life. It is my job, I am a doctor. But I want to take my life. I love my work, and it is the only stage at which I cope. The instant I am alone, the pain festers and spread. I could easily get what I need to kill myself, but I know that it would hurt the people I love. I know that whoever finds a suicide victim will be scarred for life, especially if it is someone they know. I want to die, but my concern for others keep me here. I see sick and dying people every day. Still I wish I was the one dying. It would be such a relief to disappear.

    I don´t really have time to be sad. I am spending so much energy keeping others up, my best friend and her difficult relationship to a married man, my ex boyfriend and his manic- depression, and the psychosis brought on by me breaking up with him. I do not have time for grief, it has all been stored away until I have time. But I never have time, so now I am waiting for the true breakdown. So far it only comes when I am alone, I am the happy optimistic girl I have always been. Successful. But deeply unhappy. Tonight I have made a new scar, and for the moment it has satisfied my hunger for real pain. To be allowed to feel anything, to have a taste of all those feelings I have repressed. My life is not over. My life has just stopped. I am not living, I am merely alive.

    I don´t know what I expect from this. I just needed to vent a little, to release some of the steam building up. I needed to buy some time. So I came here. Thank you all, just by being alive, and even without replying to my post, you have helped me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hu crunchie i relate so well to your post i am a professional as well wanting so much to disappear yet i know i can't because the ones i care for will only be traumatized by my death
    I keep me so busy too looking after so many ill yet the sadness inside builds up You are surviving barley not living i get that I hope by posting here letting go of some of that built up emotions will help you some. I found when i can here i was so alone and did not know who to reach out to. You will find that many understand you here and that you will not feel so alone now as well Welcome to SF
  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I think what you really need to do is put yourself first for once. Take care of yourself instead of others.

    I get what you mean when you say that when you're alone, the pain takes over. That happens to me. When I'm with my best friend, he makes me laugh and I forget the pain and emptiness. But when I'm alone in my room, it just takes over. You should really see a psychiatrist or a therapist so you can vent some more and get some help. I think your pain is stemming from helping everyone else, and leaving no time for yourself.

    And welcome to SF
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I found my son. You are correct. I am scared for life.
    I began hyperventilating so badly when I found him that I almost passed out. I still see him like that, as if it is burned into my eyes.

    You know those movies where the Vietnam vet has flashbacks of horrible things? That is what I experience EVERY night when I go to sleep.
    I live misery ever moment of every day.

    So yes, what you said is correct.

    On to your issue - I would suggest just getting deeper into your work if you are happiest doing that. Don't allow yourself the free time. I think that is what you're already doing. You sound like you have a handle on things, for the most part. That is excellent. Don't allow the pain or bad feelings to take control. Help others, be there for others, be there too for yourself. Come here to talk to others who will care. There are some good folks on this site.
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