should i or shouldnt i???

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by kote, Mar 30, 2011.


should i work again or shouldnt i?

Poll closed Dec 20, 2011.
  1. Sure. give it a try if you failed at least you tried.

    10 vote(s)
  2. give it your best.

    9 vote(s)
  3. run for the hills.

    0 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
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  1. kote

    kote Account Closed

    please bare with me as it may be a little long winded. but very important as it could send me two steps back and very suicidal.

    ok 4 years ago i had a dispute with the board of education i was teaching for. long story short - i had my nana's funeral, my wifes grandmothers funeral, my daughters flu and then i got the flu. so a complaint was made by one of my schools that id been absent long. 4 thursdays same school.

    ok i could except this appologised etc - then i became ill and was shitting blood - very scary and needed seeing too - they said could i make an appointment at a more convienient time - when the only dr was only mornings on certain days - checked by the board of education. i lost it and told them to screw it im off to the hospital.

    after this id lost all respect for them and took 2 weeks off with stress on the drs advice.

    on return they became such bastards. everything turned into a battle. as did i!!! i became part of the war. the guy highest up actual sat me down in a room and said let the war begin. and it did!!!

    i ended up taking a year off paid on stress leave and didnt leave my bed. i tried to get back to work as i love teaching but it just wasnt there anymore.

    anyway we moved the following year and i started teaching again - fresh start and all that but the breakdown i had suffered kept giving me flashbacks and mental blocks.

    i started and quit 4 jobs in the following 3 years for the same reason. all the jobs were great and i no longer had the dirty politics. i thought i could do it as work was very stress free and lots of fun. but i failed again and again. i just froze at my front door or in bed.

    literaly froze - no reason to freeze either as these jobs were very pleasant and paid well. my wife said it was ok and just leave it all behind and be a house husband - she is a teacher too. but ive just been in bed sleeping now for 4 years. im stable with medication and avoid public places where i have a short fuse. i cant even go shopping as PEOPLE annoy me - its not there fault either i know its all in my head.

    ANYWAY........ive been given another teaching job from april 12th and im already having my doubts. i want to work, i want to provide, i want to have my life back!!!

    recently ive been well and playing kendo and losing weight and feeling fit but still sleeping more than usual. maybe the meds maybe my head. my wife says dont do it and i feel i should just for those little extras in life.

    IM VERY AFRAID!!! i worked with this teacher dispatch company last year for a few months and they were great - i developed diabetes and with my mental health couldnt continue a perfect job. but they want me again. highly qualified and experienced and settled. they know nothing of my mental condition.

    SO IM VERY AFRAID!!! im feeling the flashbacks already and freezing up before i have even started. i really want to work and get my life back and this is how i can get my life back.

    what are your opinions? they will be greatly appreciated!!!
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    bit of a bump up as i need you help. sorry
  3. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    this is not much help at all, but do what you think is right.

    if you feel you're not ready, then don't do it.

    the last thing you want is to be back at square 1 again

    but i know you wanht your life back.. maybe try it for a while and see how you go with it?
  4. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    This sounds familiar. I left work due to emotional stress, and then tried a part time job which brought back the emotional stress. I am not sure what I would do here. Whatever you decide, you have done well just thinking about going back. I wish you well in this.
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    thank you i appreciate all your replys!!!

    its a decision which i will run full on into but everytime ive done it before ive hit a wall.

    my wife doesnt want me to fall again and see me suffer inside.

    but its the one way i can get my life back fully - or so i believe.

    thank you all!!!
  6. kote

    kote Account Closed

    ive just been given my school assignments. the contract is only for 4 months and the schools are pretty laid back. most of all if im only going to be there for 4 months it doesnt really matter what i do. its a big step forward for me but from the assignments i think its easily managable. but then again i will have to be highly medicated. but inbetween classes i will be able to read which i love. having done the job for years i have all lessons covered in materias and plans knowing that they work well. so i have to remove the chip from my shoulder a dig in!!! then its summer and i can go camping, climbing and kayaking with my own kids. things which i love to do and have only been able to do limitedly when ive had a rare good energy day.
    one of the schools is where i play kendo at so i know many of the students already and they are all very nice and respectful!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2011
  7. kote

    kote Account Closed

    my own vote is to give it my best!!!

    hell if i cant handle 4 months i deserve to be in bed.

    i just dont wish for it to mess with my head and start feeling very suicidal when things get on top of me for no reason but my own!!!
  8. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Nice to see you taking such a positive step, wish I could do it. All you can do is try. If you are seeing a therapist, is the therapist supportive of your trying?
  9. kote

    kote Account Closed

    is see my dr. who has been treating me for 4 years and knows the whole story and helps so much. last time i tried working and failed he said i did well by quitting before it destroyed me. im sure he will say the same this time. ive been stable for a while so no harm trying and if i fail we can take things from there. anyway ive bumped up my appointment with him to discuss it before setting foot inside a school.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like you have agoriphobia and socialphobia.. These can become learned behavoirs.. You should start by going out for a nice long walk to get use to being out of the house..Go to a aprk and just enjoy nature..These both should calm you down.. Try your best to stay away from your bed..Tell yourself it is only for sleep at night.. Good Luck and I wish you the best..
  11. kote

    kote Account Closed

    we tried various methods of getting me out of the house and into society again. one was a community center where likewise people met up and just hung out. however i never managed to get up to go. i live in beautiful mountains and have a fantastic dog but ive found it hard to motivate myself to keep going - my wife takes over. shes also said i should open the curtains but i cant bare it and want to sleep through the day. the only thing i managed was to play kendo twice a week. we are on a spring break at the moment but kendo definately comes first before work. lol i was also able to get up and gamble ( it became problematic - but i could never understand why i could do that and nothing else ) ive so many hobbies which i love. but a bad example was a few weeks ago without medication i went to the library and enjoyed reading but soon got irritated with the people - not their fault in anyway at all and i know this so i had to leave. ive avoided situations to get settled but now im jumping back in i need quick easy relaxation techniques. any advice would be highly appreciated!!!
  12. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i visited my elementary schools today and they all seem really laid back.
    i also visited my dr. to ask his advice and he said instead of teaching just play. its only a 4 month contract at several schools so it doesnt matter if i do my usually 200% and everything counts.
    i still had my doubts this morning but i can see it being easier as i get into a routine. most of all i will get time to read which i love.
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. Keep trying and especially try to get out of bed and out of the house but once out, go at your own pace.

    I'm not sure of relaxation techniques (can't think straight today)
    Hopefully the other members will have some advice.
  14. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im sorry everyone i failed!!!
    i had everything prepared, suit ready bag packed woke up at the right time.
    my body urged me to go and my mind just blocked it.
    today was an easy day just a meet and greet and a short speech. so its not even the work load!!!
    but i stopped before it got any worse and i tortured myself everyday.
    also finding its a mental block i can get councelling for that!!!
    anyway i have many great hobbies i can sink myself into and live through them.
    im sorry everyone i just couldnt do it!!!
  15. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    dont be sorry buddy. we love you.
  16. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    You gave it a shot. :hug:

    Go do something fun tomorrow.
  17. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i will try and take my dog KI for a long walk.
    tomorrow i have kendo which i live for - we have had a long spring break and missed a few practices becuase of the continuous quakes. but it will let a lot of stress out. plus seeing my daughters join in always melts my heart.
    now a bath for the dog before the walk or after? lol
  18. kote

    kote Account Closed

    thank you everyone for your support - i just have to give up on a career at 33. even got my masters in TEFL. it was fun while it lasted and have no regrets. just sad the mental sickness is so twisted that i cant do it. i wanted to so much this time!!!
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