Should I say goodbye first or just go?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Laylow, Sep 6, 2007.

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  1. Laylow

    Laylow New Member

    I am struggling with that question and it's the main thing stopping me from leaving. I have a girlfriend who loves me but i've pushed everyone else away by ignoring their atempts to get a hold of me by phone or not answering the door. I do this because I feel worthless. Im quite embarresed that my house is not being maintained and I lost my car, most of my shirts are holey and shoes have no bottoms im walking on some squishy stuff that was above the sole. This is because my girlfriend is now the only person working and trying too desparetly maintain the payments on everything for last 4 yrs.

    I do need to go because i'm quite worthless being a man in his 30's that cannot work and only have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm in terrible pain all day and have terrible tremors and other signs of Parkinson's disease. I've been turned down for VA benefits even though I was told my unit was gassed in gulf war one. I have no medical insurance and parkinson's disease has no solid test to prove it outside of a $5000 PET scan of the brain.

    Before all this happend I was making $50k - $60k a yr and quite happy at my job and with my life. I planned too propose too my girlfriend after her schooling but got sick and now can't even buy her a ring like she deserves for standing by me through all this.:sad: I also wanted kids when I hit 35 but now i'm not gonna be able too. I feel if i go she can be better off because i do cost her some money by taking showers and eating and she deserves someone that's not sick like me. Also no sex for her as I hurt too much and I know that's not fair too her.

    I just need to know what you guys think about this should I tell her goodbye or anyone else? I dont want them stopping me and that's why I struggle with this. I think a note would be studied and disected by everyone too the point that they'd all think they could have helped me or are somehow too blame for this so I don't wanna do that either.

    Please think about this if you have a spare moment as the only other thing I need to figure out is where and how so I don't get discovered by someone who knows me and my brain can be diseccted to prove i had parkinson's and possibly help out other vets who are getting the run around with this issue.

    Someone on here wrote they don't want too die but just be erased like they never existed too spare the ones who knew them the pain of losing you. I feel that way exactly and I think that's why I won't talk too anyone because I am getting that separation from them so when I go it's not as painful for them. I know that might not sound right to many but it makes perfect sense for me in the state im at.

    This is my life and this is my story. Please tell me what you think I should do as the living hell im in is unbareable for much longer and my spirit really needs to be a freebird like the Lynard Skynrd song ~
  2. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

  3. coder90t

    coder90t Active Member

    The last 2 times i attempted, I wrote a note. Just to tell you, suicide effects people's lives. You might not think it, but it does. And if you survive, it's a negative sign. If you die, you get what you want and can live happy, but the people that were your friends will be scarred.
    Just to keep that in mind. If you wanna talk, my aim is coder90t2. Hope that helps.
  4. KavithaB

    KavithaB Member

    While I was in India, I remember I was speaking to a Doctor a year ago about some thing else and he mentioned to me that he specialises in the cure for Parkinson's disease. I remember so well because I went home and referred in a website about the disease. The reason I am writing to you is that I feel the only way for you to repay your girlfriend is to live, get back your health, and give her a beautiful life. So, please check, there may be a cure awaiting somewhere for you. Once you are cured, everything else will fall in place. Rather than spending time in trying to find out measure to commit suicide that may only cause pain to those that love you, please find out a means to get yourself cured. If I come across the cure, I will PM you or email you.

    Meanwhile I pray to God to grant you strength.

  5. Laylow

    Laylow New Member

    Thanks for the kind replies i appreciate them very much. I just got done eating dinner and talking with my girlfriend and the whole time was thinking about this. I couldn't wait too come read this board too see if anyone out there replied and what was said. I've never told anyone this stuff so i felt quite vunerable too what i was about to read.

    After re-reading what i said and the replies im reconcidering my decision. I am still deeply depressed but i don't think i should go through with ending my life. I checked the survivors area of ths site for the people who are left behind and don't want to do that to anyone that knows or cares about me. Especially my girlfriend. You guys helped me see something i couldn't before and i thank you so much for it.

    However, i am so depressed. I am having waves of sadness come over me that i can physicaly feel like i'm hyper,sad and about too explode from some strange internal feeling that i really really need to die somehow.Anyone else feel that wierd feeling? I'm scared of tomarrow and the next day and on and on because I don't want too kill myself but the mind keeps going there. I look at my former life and the new life being sick and wonder why me?

    My mind makes me feel so bad for getting sick and ruining what would have been the american dream for my girlfriend and i. Parkinson's disease is a chronic condition that is incurable and quite disabling. Most folks get it past 50-60 yrs. I got it in my 30's and am not being treated for it which is quite dangerous for me.

    The Veterans Admin. has turned down my request for help with it despite sending me a letter in 97 telling me i may get sick in the future from my exposure to gas and not to worry i'd get treatment. Some men from my unit are sick with ALS, Leashmania, Parkinson's disease as well. They didn't recieve any help either and my captain died from ALS at age 32 practically unheard of for that age.

    This all adds greatly to my depression as I feel like i'm not an american and not worthy of living here anymore. It hurts me so bad to think im not even worth giving medical aide to. I need too stop now as im getting that terrible wave over me now and am thinking of a way to end this life again. I know i won't do it but the wave of sadness and despair are overwhelming me.

    Thank You for listening and helping me see that suicide isn't the answer but could you please tell me anyway of not thinking about it all the time ? I don't know are there any free counclers for this stuff? And that wave that hits me is there anyway of stopping the terrible feelings of dispair agony and sadness?
  6. KavithaB

    KavithaB Member

    I am glad that you gave heed to our advice. I can listen to you if you want and maybe even council because I have also suffered a lot.

    You can get over depression by diverting your mind into something else.

    Take care
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