Should I Send This Letter To My Mom and...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Godsdrummer, Sep 10, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    if I should, then...can I get some help with this? This may very well be the most important letter I have ever had to write anyone.

    As some of you know, my parents have become a trigger for me.

    To bring the rest of you good people up to speed, my Mom is having a surgery on her knee done at the end of October. She wants me to come to the house to spend the night to dog sit and watch over my dad, who is incapable of taking care of himself.

    I can't take the time off of work. I called her 2 weeks ago to tell her this and she got pissed at me, saying there was no one else etc.

    I can't call her and so I thought to write a letter,

    This is the first draft;

    Tell me what you think?

    Mom,

    I am sorry, but I can not call you anymore.

    Every time I talk on the phone with you, you trigger my depression, as you discuss
    Your various issues. It’s like you project your own depression onto me.
    You cursed Grandma for how she dragged dad thru the mud, but I can’t help but
    Feel like you are doing the same things to me now.

    And lately, you and dad, even became triggers for my suicidal ideations.

    I can’t talk to you on the phone anymore.

    I am liable to drink, I am liable to smoke, and I am liable to do worse, if I do.

    I just can’t.

    And it’s not my fault.

    Why did you move so far away?

    Don’t you realize that had you still lived in [edit name] I would have probably been able to take care of Dad AND go to work while you were in the hospital?

    Why didn’t you get Dad help with his depression before he molested [edit name]?
    He would be able at least to take care of himself now while you are in the hospital.
    Maybe you did, I don’t know. Maybe you told me, and I don’t remember.

    I love you and dad, dearly.

    I wish I could help you with the surgery thing, but I can’t get the time off of work to do so. I just can’t.

    This is not a selfish act. I have to work. I have to support myself and my family.
    I don’t have any answers for you to your issue.

    All I know, is that I can’t help you. I can’t miss work.

    I am sorry. But my depression is worse than you might care to admit or understand.
    I have to stay safe. I have to.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think you should send it. It's how you feel, and it's something she needs to know.
     
  3. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I'm not 100% sure you should send this letter at all. I mean, is your mother any more likely to understand this than she did your last conversation? How does it benefit either of you at this point? Not that I expect you to answser questions like this on the forum, of course, just that they seem like something you should ask yourself before you send it, if you decide to.

    Okay, onto the letter itself.

    Is it your intent to sever all connection with your mother and father? Because that's how I'm reading the above. You're not saying something like:

    "Because I'm going through a very difficult time, I'm asking you to leave me alone while I work things out for a few months"

    It reads to me like you're basically cutting them out of your life. Forever. Is that the intent of this?

    And:

    I think you should drop this part from this letter, personally. All of it.

    Not that it isn't something you should try to discuss with her at some point, of course...However I don't think it belongs in a letter where you're trying to discuss with her why you absolutely cannot come and stay, if that's the intent of what you're sending. (OTOH, I guess if you are severing all connection with them, as I note above, this is a great way to rub salt in a wound.)

    She wants you to do something, you can't do it, you're telling her you can't do it and then you hit her with this out of the blue, an episode from the past. I'm guessing you're both in a pretty emotional state over your not being able to visit, and bringing this up is probably going to be like throwing gasoline on fire. Note that I"m not saying it should never be discussed, just that this letter you're writing doesn't strike me as either the right time or place.

    My $ .02, and doubtless worth ever penny.
     
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Was going to say the same thing WorldEdge says about the part you should drop!!!

    Otherwise, you obviously feel this way and if you don't think that will change then you should be honest. Like I said though, think you should cut that one part as suggested above..
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I agree, this part doesnt really do anything to support your reasons as to why you will not be calling her any longer or be able to help out during her surgery.

    Bill you are on the right track with this. But you need to stay to your reasons as to why you cant do these things anymore. The rest of the letter seems to do just that. Adding anything else is just giving her reason to call you and tear into you yet again. Keep it straight forward and to the points that need to be given to her. That way there is no room for misinterpretation from her or anyone else that might have to read this.
     
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am not going to send the letter. I will talk to my boss later to reconfirm and then I will call my mom from my cell and tell her the truth which is I can't get the day off, and if I call in anyways, I will be in trouble.
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    know hwo painfulo this letter is bill. and in the end you do what you most comfirtable with. but one day soon you should send the letter reagardless. you need to do it fofr you hun.
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What kinds of services are available in the area your parents live? I would contact the county health services and see what might be available. Are there no neighbors nearby that would pitch in for the day. What about friends? There have got to be other options than just you. I know you love your parents, but at this time you need to do whatever it is to keep yourself safe and moving in the right direction. You are always worse after contact with your mother, so it is in your best interest to limit this contact as much as possible until you are healthy enough to resume it in the future. You are doing the right thing Bill. Even if it is an inconvenience for your parents. :hug:
     
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