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Should I stay or go?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by belletone, Nov 9, 2010.

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  1. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Hi everyone,

    I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts on a somewhat regular basis for about a year now, and just survived my second attempt.

    I'm currently a junior in college with a 3.672 GPA so far. Unfortunately my depression has really been hitting me hard this semester, despite regularly taking my medication and bi-weekly, now weekly sessions with my psychologist. One of the classes I'm taking is particularly hard, and I'm also preparing to go to China with an ensemble I'm in (we're trying to go pro). Those are some of the main stressors besides regular suicidal thoughts, which I usually have enough self-control to resist/ignore.

    If my GPA drops below a 3.0 I lose my scholarship, but mostly its just a matter of pride, and the feeling like I can't perform like I usually do in school. I keep asking my psychologist and close friends if I should really be in school right now, and if not, what should I do? I'm stressed because I know I'm not meeting my usual standards, and worried about how other people are perceiving me, despite being a very open person on principal.

    Sorry for the length of this, but I really want to know, do you guys think its a good idea for me to continue toughing it out, or should I
    abandon ship?
  2. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    if school is making u insane right now then maybe a break from it will refresh you , its not the same but i had a real shit job that caused me tons of stress but the pay was good and there was lots of room for advancement but i ended up leaving cause that stress was too much and i never regretted that decision as i felt 1000% better getting myself out of that stressful situation. If school is not stressing you out maybe there would be a way for u to stay in school and deal with the stress but it would seem to me that the pressure of school would only add to things....just my opinion but i would get myself out of the stressful situation and get re-freshed and then go back at a later date when your more stable, but thats what i would do and i really dont know u so I cant really speak for what you should do....
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I felt like dropping out of college was the right thing for me to do at the time- and it was my only option; but I regret doing it.
    Looking back, I really wish I'd have toughed it out and finished the year.

    You need to think about how important it is to you--- aside from pride and 'letting your parents' or anyone else down but yourself... what is the best thing for you? What will make you happy?
    And do whatever you think is best for you.
    No one else can make this decision for you.
  4. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Thanks for the advice.

    I keep trying to take time off, but opportunities for this ensemble I'm in keep popping up, and I feel like it would be rude/ungrateful of me to refuse to participate, or that I might regret turning them down in the long run.

    Whenever I get some time off of school, I keep thinking that things will be better when I go back, and that I'll take on a lighter load, but things always seem to pile up. My psychologist describes what I do as a "control-release cycle". I'll work my ass off and then crash for a couple of days, and be as behind as I started. The people I express my concerns to (parents, teachers, colleagues, doctors) keep encouraging me to "keep trucking". I'm concerned that they don't know how bad things are, or that I think things are worse then they are (which is probably the case). Either way, its extremely distressing for me to see how my work ethic is steadily decreasing.

    I'm really not sure what the best course of action would be, and I definitely don't feel like my unstable perspective is reliable enough to use in making any major decisions. I'm just frustrated that I keep trying, and then crashing and burning again, you know?
  5. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Ahh frustration i get, when i actually gave a shit about getting better and i was seeing docs and stuff i was very frustrated that i would seem to get better but eventually I would end up exactly where i started from. If you dont trust your judgement maybe ask someone whose judgement you do trust and see what they would do in your situation, but the key is to make sure that person is objective. Like your parents or a close friend wont be very objective. Anyways ultimately its your decision as you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make...Dont stress to much about the decision im sure you will make the best choice for you.
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