Should I tell her that I know?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by nobody_and_noone, Oct 10, 2010.

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  1. Hi all,

    I'm an ex-member of this very forum and I remain a very fragile person to this day. I was previously here, on the edge of doing something pretty stupid, because I was so excruciatingly lonely. Every single turn I made to try and find someone turned out to be a disaster and only brought me closer to doing the stupid thing.

    One evening I went to a friend's birthday party - although I very nearly didn't - and met this girl who seemed to be into me. We've been together now for 3yrs and 6 months. There have been many, many occasions where I have felt that she's only been with me because I'm convenient and that she's just using me. I have always tried my hardest to brush these feelings aside under the category of 'being your normal paranoid self'. Over the past 3.5years I have almost completely wiped her debts off as well as being the sole bread-winner for the past 18 months. I have now essentially run out of money - we are living paycheque to paycheque with virtually no margin for error or saving, and she has just started back at Uni.

    Six months ago we got married.

    This last few weeks she has been behaving very strangely - having a full on texting marathon with an old friend (who she recently discovered is now (temporarily) living in the same town as us) and being really defensive and guarded about it all. Curiosity got the better of me and I read through the texting tennis match on her phone (actually even took a backup of it encase she decided to delete them later on). It would seem that they were planning on meeting up at some point for one purpose only: sex.

    She didn't make the agreed date as she was in hospital at the time, and he will be leaving town next week.

    Should I tell her that I've been reading her text messages and I know what she was planning? Or should I just leave well alone since nothing actually happened, and just let bygones be bygones?
  2. music_lover16

    music_lover16 Member

    i think you should tell her. why let her keep getting away with it after you have done nothing but help her, you dont deserve this, so let her know you know
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this has happened...I'd confront her if you're up to it...
    what she's doing is cheating whether 'something happened' or not...
    you deserve better
  4. kalii

    kalii New Member

    if you decide to tell here then do so very calmly...but remember you spent 3 years together and got married so surely she must have liked and loved you..tell here to explain to you and ask her if she is happy? you might be surprised what she ll say..she choosed you in first place so you must be special..hope that you ll be together for long time...dont dwell, be strong..
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes confront her ask her why she would do this to you after all you have done for her. It is cheating and she needs to know you deserve so much better then that Time to make her grow up and let her know you will not be used. If she wants in the relationship then it takes two to make it work
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Telling her depends entirely on you. Can you keep living a "normal" life with this person, knowing what you know? Or is it going to be controlling how and what you think of this person from here on out?

    More than likely keeping it to yourself is going to make you more paranoid and you will feel jaded and see everything she does as trying to undermind you.

    Although nothing happened who can say it wouldnt of if she wasnt in hospital? She is keeping it a secret from you (so she thinks). Quite honestly if she loves you as much as she tries to make it appear, I think she would of confronted you with the error she was about to committ.

    No matter what happens, you have people here that are ready to support and help you through this. Keep posting :arms:
  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    divorce her
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun PLEASE reread this part of your post. I think you already know the answer. She just gave you the information you needed to act on it. Not one line in that above post shows any type of love or compassion towards you. Please see what is really going on here. You wont be alone regardless of what you decide. Members here will stick by you and help you through.
  9. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    i'm nuts, so my opinion wouldn't work too well. i'd throw all her shit on the lawn and change the locks of the house. let her know in a text that its over and she can go fuck herself as well as telling her i know about her little future fling attempt.
  10. I guess the biggest problem I have is what if she confirms her actions/intentions? I'm not sure I would be able to cope with it. If you're at all interested, my previous username on here was "i_am_not_here" - quick synopsis for ya:
    extreme self confidence issues, coupled with an awful self image and self consciousness; add to the mix a history of not only repeated failures romance/love/relationship-wise, but epic failures - not a single hint of interest in me, ever.

    I really do think that if I find that she has actually just been using me for the past 3.5 years and that really she has no interest in me as a person, I'm pretty sure that would be the tipping point for me.
  11. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    yeah i don;t know what i would do in your situation. i would have a talk with her and see whats going on rather than continuing to procrastinate on it. otherwise, how would you ever know her intentions? you never know until you ask so...hopefully nothing bad comes of it. if she has been using you, i;m sure she will end up using someone else, just like once a cheater always a cheater. maybe you're better off without someone who is that way. you deserve someone better than that. if you know you can survive on your own thats also great. its just a bunch of bullshit you should think about extracting from your life. i know its hard because i'm going through some similar things you are going through. i wouldn't listen to everything i;'ve said but do try to take a high road and things will work out eventually.
  12. sinnssykdom

    sinnssykdom Banned Member

    Well if you find out that she HAS been using you then you can sue her for all the money she took from you.

    Honestly though i would try confronting her first and if that fails throw her ass out.
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