Should I vacuum the flat or not?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by treasureBelle, Jul 11, 2011.

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  1. treasureBelle

    treasureBelle Member

    I'm really unsure as to my state of mind at the moment, so please bear with me! (Mods/admin feel free to move this if I've posted in the wrong place.)

    I'm staying in a friend's flat atm, while she's away. (Don't worry, I have her permission!) She gets back in the beginning of August.

    The other day, she sent her girlfriend round to check on me, since for the past week or two I've effectively avoided all forms of communication with people I know. (Turned off my phone, not answered the house phone, not logged into facebook/checked emails etc.)

    The world doesn't seem to get that I'm trying to be invisible. The last time I left the flat was Saturday night, on a quick trip to the shop to get some food, and then a midnight walk to the beach - my favourite place. Since then, I've been hiding away in the flat, avoiding human contact. (Apart from when I opened the door to my friend's gf the other night.) I've been trying to be quiet, sitting in a part of the living room that can't be seen by looking through the letterbox; I hide in the bedroom with the curtains closed, and avoid all windows (plus mirrors and reflective surfaces because they show me I'm still not invisible).

    I've become nocturnal, staying up all night, then sleeping in most of the day.
    Earlier this afternoon, I think someone pressed the buzzer for the flat. I wasn't sure if I'd heard right at first, and so waited quietly until they went away.

    I've been trying to stay as quiet as possible, in the hope that the neighbours in the surrounding flats will think nobody's in. Unfortunately, one of them seems to have a dog, which is making me feel less invisible.

    Anyway, in terms of being quiet, I've mostly managed well today, except for the fact I needed a shower. I had one, because it's nice to be all squeaky clean :tongue: but I worry that it's blown my cover of invisibility.
    Having done all the laundry in the flat, I'm now left with just the tidying and vacuuming to do, really. The thing is, vacuuming is noisy, and guarantees that I won't be invisible. :unsure: But, having already had a shower, is vacuuming the flat really going to make a difference to my invisibility? :( The flat's not really that bad, just a few bits of fluff/dust/crumbs on the floor that I want to get rid of really. Make the flat squeaky clean like me. :D
    I also need to take out the rubbish and recycling, too. Unfortunately, that requires going outside.

    :argh: I just want to remain invisible. If I'm quiet, I can pretend nobody's here, even if someone comes to the door. I can't do that if they've seen/heard me. :unsure:

    So... long story short: should I vacuum the flat or not? :)
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you want to try and be invisible?
  3. Stripe

    Stripe Well-Known Member

    If you vacuum, it will make you feel uncomfortable but on the plus side your friend will likely be quite thankful to be coming back to a nice clean flat.

    I vote for making your friend happy. Vacuum the flat, take out the rubbish and if anyone comes knocking, tell them through the door that you have a highly infectious disease and you are in quarantine. (or maybe something a little more plausable :tongue: )
  4. treasureBelle

    treasureBelle Member

    When I first started craving invisibility... I think around November last year? Not quite sure of the date. At that point it kind of started because, being so overweight due to an eating disorder (BED/COE), I avoided going outside because just about every time I did, I'd invariably get comments/abuse shouted from strangers, or be the butt of someone's jokes.
    If I went shopping without some kind of (negative) attention, even if I'd only gone round the corner for a pint of milk, it was a good day. A lack of negative attention would convince me I was invisible, which to my mind, was a good thing.

    Anxiety developed, to the point where a lot of days I hardly left my room, let alone the house.

    Anxiety and ED have basically taken over my life this year. :(

    Then came Saturday night (2 days ago). I had a binge, because I could, and to try and combat some of the anxiety (albeit temporarily) - I hadn't had one for ages before that.
    The binge did nothing to help... and that scared me, a lot. Binges have ALWAYS provided relief (albeit temporary) for me. So for one to suddenly not provide that... scares me because it's completely different to what I know.

    Later on Saturday night, I went to the beach, to paddle in the North Sea. (I'm in Scotland.) I took a small towel, then stripped down to my underwear. (It was dark and nobody was around, so I did feel quite invisible. I'd never do that otherwise.) It was freezing cold, I waded in up to my thighs... I felt comfortably numb. Nice. Calm.

    One thing that has bugged me ever since I've been going to the beach at night for the past week though, is the pink glow of the clouds. :( The lights of the city reflect on the clouds at night, turning them pink. Even when I went to the darkest part of the beach, the pink-stained clouds still followed me.
    It's weird... I hate going out at night because of those pink clouds, but night is the quietest time to walk to the beach.

    Anyway, ever since Saturday, I've become more and more convinced that the pink clouds are coming to get me. :unsure: Also, that having cut myself off from communicating with people I know irl makes me safer... if no one sees/hears me/knows I'm here, they can't tell the pink clouds. That's why I want to stay invisible, so the pink clouds can't see me.
    I've not even given my friend's address to the letting agent from my last house to get the deposit back, which I was ideally supposed to do this past week.

    When my friend whose flat I'm staying in atm sent her girlfriend round the other night (I've not spoken to ANYONE I know this past week, tbh), she asked if I was OK. I told her yes, which is a bit of a lie.
    But I didn't know what else to say. I always tell people I'm OK, even when I'm not. Years of practice.

    There is one trick to walking at night though, to counter the pink clouds a bit. I keep my eyes to the pavement, because it sparkles. The sparkles keep me on the ground.

    This probably all sounds a bit weird to most people. But it's just what is going on in my head at the moment. :unsure:

    Thank goodness for SF.
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