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Should Just Do It Now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Jan 11, 2009.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hi, it’s been a while since I posted on the forum. I’m not sure when the last time I posted was; most likely over the summer. It isn’t important anyway.

    Well, things haven’t gotten better since then. Last time my problems were confined mainly to being unable to get a job (unchanged), problems with my parents (unchanged), and problems with a puppy (unchanged). Here’s the short version of some of that. I’ve been out of school since summer 2007. I’ve been on a few interviews and applied to dozens of places across the country. So far no luck whatsoever with landing a job. My last interview was November 26th, and that company (the closest one to home I’ve applied with) has not responded to any e-mails I’ve sent and hasn’t called me. I was thinking originally that they would be delayed hiring anyone because the company had split into two entities in November and that they would wait till the new year to make a decision. Now I’m starting to think they just decided not to hire anyone with the economy going south or they went with someone else with more experience. Temp agencies have been equally useless since I have no experience doing something other than working in fast food. I find it funny how I worked doing that every summer to be able to afford books and now that’s what is killing me in the job market.

    All I hear anymore is that the only way I’ll ever get a job now is to go back to school. I don’t want to do that though because it equals more debt, and also I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I never did know. I thought maybe I could write some screenplays or a book because I enjoyed it, but after we got the dog she took up all my time so I couldn’t do that anymore.

    I might as well go into the problems she’s caused (if anyone has lasted this long into the post). She always had a problem biting and wouldn’t listen. That’s how it has been since May. Last week she went into heat at eight months old. My father dragged his feet deciding if he wanted to breed her, so now we have to deal with this before getting her “fixed”. We had to start taking her out on a leash since it started; everyone except my father at least. She would at least listen to him…until yesterday. She ran into the yard behind ours, and would not listen (wasn’t unusual for her to do that with anyone else before that). He managed to get a hold of her collar, and then she bit him and drew blood. Since the incident happened he’s refused to do anything at all with her. So that means I have to take her out even more and feed her all the time. With the cold weather that really sucks when your clothes are wet from snow blowing. Most of the time I can’t feel my fingers when I get back inside. And it is only going to get worse this week.

    My father wasn’t much help with her anyway, during the week I always did everything with the dog. Weekends were the only time I could get a break from taking care of the dog, but not anymore. Things have been worse with my dad since November 4th, i.e. Election 2008. He really doesn’t like where Obama wants to take the country. So he’s been drinking more than usual once he’s out of work (weekdays) or after 12 o’clock (weekends). My mother has also been more frustrating since the election. She voted for Obama and has been going on and on with political rants since that month. She also seems to try and fill every moment of silence with noise, mostly trying to talk in a soft tone from another room when the TV is blasting because my father turns it up so loud it might as well be maxed out. My lack of a job has been the topic of most conversations I have with her. I don’t know how to explain something so many times before I just give up. Part of the reason why I barely seem to look for a job is because of her nagging (most of the reason why is I never have the time to open a paper, or get on a computer long enough to look…I have to multitask a lot when I’m on a PC. Right now I’m looking for a job, with no success at finding an entry level position).

    So with all that, and even more going unsaid (to spare the few who have reached this point further boredom from having to read this), I just don’t see a point to living anymore. I should just go downstairs, get a shotgun shell, and then blow my head off. I don’t see myself getting any kind of job, outside military service which my parents are against. I’m not even sure where to go with this banter beyond that? Usually I’d go into a rant about what harm it would cause the family, but why? They’ve been driving me nuts for over a year now straight. My brothers don’t care about what goes on here because they can just leave and have lives of their own.

    But me?

    I have no life. Killing myself wouldn’t really be ending anything that isn’t already over. I’ve been going through the motions for over 10 years now, not wanting to live, not being happy for more than a day a week (if that), and now it all just keeps piling up. Maybe I got my priorities all screwed up back in high school. Maybe instead of focusing on grades, I should have been focusing on a social life. Maybe I would have been happier. I’ve never tried anything my peers have tried, no drugs (a good thing probably), never been drunk, never had sex. Heck, I’ve only had one girlfriend my whole life! Almost three and a half years with her too, but we practiced abstinence. Sometimes I wonder what she’s like now. Not important though, I’ve lived up to the expectations she had for me at the end of that mess of a relationship…nothing.

    Maybe killing myself is the only logical course of action. One less mouth to feed at the house, one less person in the world to compete among the others for a job, and then it would make my family step up and deal with the dog.
    I guess that’s the end of the post. Nothing left to say beyond what has been said. Sorry for the length, I tend to unload a lot when I post these things, just never seems like I calm down afterwards anymore.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know my brother has a theory about puppies: They have a case of the dumb ass until there two and then all of a sudden a light goes on and they figure out what you have been saying to them up till then.
    You mentioned the military if you were serious then join , your an adult theres nothing any one can do about it. Your family will come around. Mine wasn't to crazy about me joining the marines when I was eighteen. They didn't think I was the right material for the service because I was wild and crazy before that. Well graduation day from boot camp lo and behold they showed up and were proud of me. I was proud of my self also. Marine boot camp is definitely tuff.
    The reason I say join if you want to is because of the schooling benefits you can get a guarantee for after military service will help you in the job market. You being exmilitary will also help.
    If you already went to college you can apply for OCS. One thing I will tell you is get all your guarantees in writing before you sign up. I wanted to be airwing so when I got out of the service I could be a flight controller. Well they gave me communications, toting a full back pack, cartridge belt, radio, gas mask , cripto gear(basically another type of radio that hangs on your hip) and a m-16 rifle. Boy was I pissed off. Thats why I say get everything in writing. Anyhow suicide is not the way to go and I think you know that. You may be suffering from depression which you can get help with off the record so if you decide to join the military it won't show anywhere. I hope some of this helps!!Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  3. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thank your for the advice Joseph. If I go into the Army I will be sure to make sure I get everything in writing.
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