should others understand?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by whynotme?, Dec 22, 2007.

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  1. whynotme?

    whynotme? Well-Known Member

    I'm just interested in how other people's significant others reacted when being told that they were abused or raped?
    Both have happened to me and every person i have told has just sort of, well, shrugged it off or hugged me and said "oh babe" and then avoided the subject. Is it just because its me?

    i know it must be hard for people who haven't experienced it to know what to say but, I just feel like no-one cares?


  2. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I think with those people you mentioned, it's either they don't know what to say or it makes them very uncomfortable because maybe they don't know if what they do, physically may stir up memories for you. I can't say I've been with anybody who did 'oh babe' and said nothing's understandable to feel that no one cares when you share something so intimate with someone.

    I met her on the internet when I was very depressed and at school, so we knew a lot about each other's history through just talking about things and she was very supportive and very sweet/innocently loving to me it made me cry. She's gone through a lot so she could understand. I think one thing she made me aware of is how much I upset people/her/others when I do the "I'm going now, bye" routine which I really need to get a grip on. That's linked to not being able to handle things properly and needing to flee situations which is tied to abuse.

    As for 'should' others understand, I personally couldn't be in a relationship with anyone unless they had some kind of understanding of personal loss, tragedy, pain- I know that doesn't sound very nice, but I can't relate to people who haven't gone through hell as I don't feel they would understand where I'm coming from.

    Maybe it's best to ask them how they feel about you talking about the abuse you've endured? I know it sounds stupid, seeing as you've been the one suffering but perhaps their reaction would seem less like they don't care and what you've been through doesn't matter? I can understand how you feel about no-one caring about your suffering though. If I was met with that reaction from someone whom I didn't know very well, I'd feel the same way.

  3. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    It's difficult for people to respond to something to which they cannot relate. And even if they can, it's such precarious a topic to broach.

    I was surprised at the time that my mother basically understood and was willing to take action and stuff :unsure:. It was fortunate. If she hadn't, I dunno how I'd have dealt.

    I try not to speak of it with many others, and when I do, it's with a sort of resignation and an "Eh, it's okay now," attitude, so they don't feel put on the spot.

    People sometimes care more than they show. The issue lies in their lack of understanding. I hope that answered your question? :arms:

    Best wishes.
  4. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    I think that the others are right in that people don't know how to react, don't know what to think or feel, and so react in ways such as aversion, apprehension, overly sympathetic, non chalante, etc.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Gave this a long thought.
    Was abused as a child and yes when you tell people they kind of freeze up. They are sorry but would really prefer you not to talk about it.
    Like you I was confused/hurt etc by this until someone I care very much about told me that they had been abused.
    Now its slightly different because we (the abused, me and the abuser) are all related but my reaction shocked me. when I got some time alone I sobbed like I never thought a person could sob.. for my cousin for the pain and misery she had gone thru, but also for the memory of the uncle that I knew that bore no resemblance to the monster my cousin had just described.
    We did have a long talk about it, but I too wanted to get away from the whole topic because it was so painful and quite frankly (which shocked me) I didn't know what to say.

    Hope that helps
  6. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    I've only told one uninvolved person about the abuse from my stepdad. Although she has never gone through that kind of stuff, she has had a hard time for other reasons, and we are able to help each other when things get tough. I think it's hardest for those who have never gone through any such trauma to understand, but I like to think that they would care and try to understand the situation rather than just shrug it off. Obviously that's hard for them, so all too often a lack of understanding is taken as a lack of care.

    Having said all that, I've not managed (and don't plan) to tell anyone about him raping me, as I truly don't think that anyone who has not been through that could ever understand.

    Take care :hug:
  7. shadowcat

    shadowcat Well-Known Member

    I just recently have been able to admit to a couple friends that I was sexually abused. My fiance was mad at the person who abused me and said that he better not contact me ever. Several of my best friends have always known, but there was one who just brushed it aside like it was nothing. just recently I told a friend that has known me for a long time and was really suprised at her reaction, she was very sympathetic and kept reminding me it was not my fault. Also she was very supportive.
  8. whynotme?

    whynotme? Well-Known Member

    thankyou for all the responses, they have all helped, i guess i knew most of it but just needed to be reassured that it wasn't because people didnt care about me. wish it was easier for people.
    anyway, thankyou again for all your help

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