Shouldn't be here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Blue_Sky, Aug 4, 2010.

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  1. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I'm posting this, I used to struggle with this a lot, but then I made a lot of improvement within myself and I was even happy at times. A few weeks ago I came across this site and almost posted something, but I thought I don't really belong here and I know suicide would never be an option for me anymore, I have so much more knowledge now and I feel like I shouldn't be here. A few weeks ago, I almost posted because a feeling of nothingness, meaninglessness and complete emptiness penetrated me so deeply one night and I had not had any strong urges to harm myself as I had that night in months, but I have an awareness that they will pass when they come, so its like a bad cold that I wait out for some hours or until I fall asleep. And then again I feel fine and back to normal, and then lately some situation happens or something upsets me and again those urges come back again almost stronger, and I feel like I'm going completely mental and I just want to scratch all the skin off my face and body and I get all these images in my mind about ways to harm myself, and I always get strong urges throughout my body to stab myself. The weird thing is the next day I can have such clarity and I find it so silly that I would even think of such things, but I get so tired of this back forth battle, no matter how hard I try I can never get rid of it and it has been with me throughout my life, I'm only 24 but I've always felt like wanting to die since I was pretty young. I'm practically a recluse and I have no friends, but that's not what bothers me. I guess I am just looking for company, I get so tired of seeing all these people and kids half my age appear so mentally strong and handling situations far better than I could. I always feel so weak and carry such deep shame about this weakness, its nice to feel like I'm not the only one, so I guess that's why I came here, and maybe I can be of some support.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you did decide to join us. Support is an important factor in our fight to survive. I hope you are able to both give and receive this support as it is needed. Take care. :hug:
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Blue Sky and welcome to SF. When you get those urges to harm yourself, be strong and fight them with everything that you have. You can also log into the SF chatroom if you need someone to talk to. When you're feeling good, you can also help those who are suffering. :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi glad your reaching out here for some help
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I know you said you don't think you would ever harm yourself again because of your consciousness of it..

    Personally I'm there too..

    Ive been through a lot and I know I would never do anything again. But I know also that I can come here and share with others my experiences and help them as best I can.

    I can relate to a lot of them and I think sometimes Its good to have people here who can just relate. I also think that depression and other mental illnesses never truly are "cured."

    Its normal to feel bad sometimes and want to go back to old habits..

    So Id like to say, welcome to SF! :)
  6. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your comments. Sometimes I start feeling inferior around other people, it's sort of comforting to know other people struggle with the same things I do so I don't feel so alone in it.

    It's only been 3 or so years since i've been making improvements in my life, I guess it will take more time to recover.
  7. RonnieFM

    RonnieFM New Member

    Hey there,
    You have everyright to be here, and to be happy and positive about the future. What I have learnt from my dysfunctional upbringing is that one can change their life. It's not easy - but can be done. First you must realize your thought pattern is in charge of your existence - your every move, so if you want to change, you must change your thinking. That is it! There is the missing piece of the puzzle! You can controll your thoughts. Many have achieved this and now live a wondrous life.
    Keep in touch
  8. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    Thanks ronnie, that was just something I wrote in a moment of despair. It comes, it goes, i'm learning to give less attention to it.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Blue Sky...I think the more you come here and talk the more responces you will get.. I know what you mean about the ups and downs..I'm 53 and have dealt with them for years...Have you tried therapy?? A good therapist can help you learn to deal with the thoughts..Take Care!!
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