I don't know why I'm posting this, I used to struggle with this a lot, but then I made a lot of improvement within myself and I was even happy at times. A few weeks ago I came across this site and almost posted something, but I thought I don't really belong here and I know suicide would never be an option for me anymore, I have so much more knowledge now and I feel like I shouldn't be here. A few weeks ago, I almost posted because a feeling of nothingness, meaninglessness and complete emptiness penetrated me so deeply one night and I had not had any strong urges to harm myself as I had that night in months, but I have an awareness that they will pass when they come, so its like a bad cold that I wait out for some hours or until I fall asleep. And then again I feel fine and back to normal, and then lately some situation happens or something upsets me and again those urges come back again almost stronger, and I feel like I'm going completely mental and I just want to scratch all the skin off my face and body and I get all these images in my mind about ways to harm myself, and I always get strong urges throughout my body to stab myself. The weird thing is the next day I can have such clarity and I find it so silly that I would even think of such things, but I get so tired of this back forth battle, no matter how hard I try I can never get rid of it and it has been with me throughout my life, I'm only 24 but I've always felt like wanting to die since I was pretty young. I'm practically a recluse and I have no friends, but that's not what bothers me. I guess I am just looking for company, I get so tired of seeing all these people and kids half my age appear so mentally strong and handling situations far better than I could. I always feel so weak and carry such deep shame about this weakness, its nice to feel like I'm not the only one, so I guess that's why I came here, and maybe I can be of some support.