Show Me How to Live

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Shattered Soldier, Feb 15, 2010.

  1. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    My first attempt at suicide was thwarted by my parents this weekend. My plan was to order a ton of pills in the mail and take them all at once. Unfortunately my package was intercepted by my parents, who know that I like to get drugs from online vendors, and was thrown away, flushed, hidden, or whatever by them. I considered this some kind of divine intervention and have decided to give life a try once again, the only problem is, I have no idea what to do next. I've tried hospitals, doctors, support groups, therapy, medication, new relationships, going back to old relationships, drinking and doing drugs, quitting drugs, going to far away places, posting on bipolar forums, and changing jobs to no avail. I'm still me, always will be, and when it comes down to it, "me" is always bored and miserable.

    I have recently found that I want too many things. That I hold myself and others to standards that are impossible to achieve. There is also the possibility that I hold God to these same standards. I wanted to try something new and I thought that suicide was the last thing that I had to cross off of my list, but apparently I'm stuck here on earth until it is time to go.

    Since everyone closest in my life now knows that I'm obsessed with taking it from myself I've gotten alot of advice and alot of "I have no idea what you should do" 's. The only good thing that I have found so far is this forum, where I can finally write out my feelings and not fear a judgmental answer from people who just don't understand and haven't been there.

    A wise man once told me that I could have two types of problems, a Mike sized problem, and a God sized problem. I really believe that my lack of knowing how to live or cope with my life is a God sized problem. I am now considering myself to be in recovery from depression and suicidal thoughts but have no idea where to begin. An old familiar prayer keeps popping into my head, and looping itself with an Audioslave song:

    Many of us have said, take our will and our lives, guide us in our recovery, and show us how to live. But there is a nail in my hand from my creator and he won't show me how to pull it out.

    I wrote to an old friend today who I thought understood me. I had been writing to her during this trying time long before I joined this forum. Today it appears that she has given up on me, and really believes that I was getting drugs in the mail not to hurt myself, but as an excuse to use them for fun. So I'm looking forward to making some new friends here who actually understand that:

    there comes a point where we can no longer function as human beings in society, that it comes down to making one of two very real choices, life or death, and that making EITHER one of those choices is just as hard as the other.

    Thank you for listening.

  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're still alive. :hug: SF is a good place to meet people who truly understand, and to make new friends that won't walk away when things get tough.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I really don't know what to say other than it is a good thing you found us because we sound like just what you need in your life right now. Like Alison I am happy you are still alive and glad you are posting and taking an active part in your "recovery". I look forward to getting to know you better.

    Take care, B