Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Mar 16, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling so lost. I don't even know where to start...

    I know most shit is about my mother. I miss her, wish she'd be here, feel guilty that she was taken when she already had a (wonderful) personality, and I hadn't even formed any personality at all, blablablabla. All that stuff.

    Then there's my fear for next weekend. I'm going over to my parents on Saturday and am staying for the weekend. I will have to wear my wristband 24/7 then. Last time I did some real damage to myself (as in more than just little cuts that heal in no time), was about 2 months ago, and the scars haven't started to fade yet. Which normally happens in a few weeks I think. so I'm kinda stuffed.

    Then there's the shit in the house here. Lately I've been close with 3 people in the house, and that's all great and all. But this guy who lives with us as well, used to be my best male friend. Lately he's been acting so damn weird. Like if I say one thing he doesn't like, he ignores me for like a week or so and then all of a sudden he comes up to me "what's wrong, why are you acting so weird this week?" :unsure: I don't like being treated like scum. The fact that I sometimes treat myself like scum, doesn't give others the right to do so too, right?

    Bah, there's so much more going on, but I'm just so tired. :sad:
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: ish maybe ur mate is just having a couple bad days.
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    days? Make that into a couple of bad months. And I asked him why he was acting like that, a few times actually. But he always says nothing's wrong and he's not acting differently. Apparently it's all a figment of my imagination.
    Kinda odd that at least 3 other people in the house have noticed his change in behaviour as well...

    It's just so frustrating. And makes me even more insecure than I already am.
    I don't want to lose him, but frankly, the person he is now, is a different person than the one who was my best mate. :sad:
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Esttttt, I'm around.
  5. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    Ester, Maybe baby-steps at yer Parents. It's not all gonna be solved in one weekend. Know what I mean?

  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Jess & Bob

    And yeah, Bob I know what you mean. I'm only taking small steps with them. The other day we went for coffee, and I'm only staying for one day with Easter (will go there Saturday eve and probably leave Sunday evening).

    Tis scary to go there. That house which I lived in from when I was about 3 and which I haven't entered since February last year.. It's scary...
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Make sure you go with an open mind ester. If you go expecting trouble, then you will definitely find it. I know this will be sooo hard for you. i hope things go smoothly.

    As for your flat mate-what is it he is doing differently. Maybe if you can point things out he will be better able to see it. You have to be careful in your approach so as not to put him on the defensive. I wish you luck with both challenges hun. :hug:
  8. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni


    What Corrina says is exactly right. If you go there looking for a problem you are bound to find one. Go in there with a positive attitude and you will be surprised much of a difference it will make!
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    My mate and I are okay now. We made up earlier today.

    *triggering - graphic*

    I'm losing the plot big time. I want booze. I need it. I need a fucking bottle of vodka, whisky, rum, ANYTHING STRONG WILL DO...
    Oh and don't forget the fucking drugs. I want them all, no not just want. I need them. I need drugs. NOW!!
    And that drawer is looking at me again. It's begging me to open it. To go and get that knife and that lighter and those pills. I need to feel my flesh burning. I need to see it happening. I want to. I need it. I need it. I need it. I need it.

    No you don't. It's because you're dealing with things.

    Now give me the damn booze, drugs, knife, lighter and pills!!!!!

    Who cares about going down to my parents, who cares about therapy tomorrow, who cares about my house mates.

    FOR FUCK SAKE I ALMOST KICKED MY CAT, MADELEINE!!! I'm a horrible person. I hate myself I loathe myself. HOW COULD I?? I almost kicked her and she didn't do fuck all wrong!!!

    FUCK SAKE, I hope she'll rip me open with her claws. I deserve it. That I wanted to kick her.. wtf? She's my everything!!??

    MOTHER, I NEED YOU!! FUCK SAKE, I NEED YOU!!! Please... :cry: :cry:

    Kill me, please... someone..
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    this ain't good :cry: I hate myself. How can anyone like me? How can anyone feel okay around me? How can anyone tell me they love me? They're all nuts. I don't understand. I really don't...

    I need the fucking booze. I need my stuff... I am scared to move away from the computer. Scared of what I might do then.
    What if internet gets disconnected again.. I'm at the neighbours network right now cos ours went down earlier tonight. What if I get kicked off that network. Then I got nobody to rant at, to talk to, to make me calm down... Everyone's asleep.

    I can't do this. I hate this.

    I'm so sorry :cry: I don't want to be the wreck I am. I'm so sorry :cry:
    I dont mean to be a disappointment.. :cry:
  11. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Est, hun. :sad:
    You aren't a disappointment, or a wreck, you have problems, everyone does, it doesn't make you any less of a person. :hug:
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I'm feeling a bit better today :grouphug: