Shut Up About My Abusers, Please... Mum!!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 6, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I knew I shouldn't have gone to visit my mother this weekend... But I had made a deal with my aunt to help her with the laptop in return of her cancelling my debt with her. And she dropped me off at my mother's to spend the night there before taking the train home...

    It was a pretty civil affair with mum and I... compared to how it was growing up with her; when she'd throw me against walls, kick me, or even worse leave me or lock me in the closet.
    But she's doing something so much worse now. I'm a grown woman, and she's ruining my life still.

    This morning while we had breakfast she mentioned that she met one of the boys who sexually abused me, well he's a grown man now... he was 14 I think when I was 4. He must have been, she mentioned he's about 36 years old. She told me how happy he was to see her, and how he seemed to be doing well... I wanted to scream but I couldn't tell her to stop or how I really felt... so i tried to make a few polite comments. I don't care about his life.
    He's the son of one of my mother's best friends. His father is a really nice man and I've even invited him to my Birthday. I am starting to hope he can't come... It's bad enough to know that 'young man' has moved back to Denmark and even lives in a town between mum and I... and that he's even helped my mum with a few things.

    Last time I spoke to that boy was his 25th Birthday. We had dinner at his father's home while he was still living in Greenland and randomly I got handed the phone during the Happy Birthday call. We didn't say much, he asked how I was doing, I said good, and Happy Birthday... then I ran to the bathroom to throw up.

    I am so scared of meeting him. I am so scared I'll be visiting my mother and he's there helping her with something... or sh't. What if he comes to my Birthday?? I don't even know what I'll do then.

    And yes... my mother knows what he did. She caught him in the act... but she can't understand how I wouldn't be interested in getting updates about how well their lives are going... when I have a feeling even with therapy I'll never be whole.

    Later my mother decided to talk about the family of the young man who raped me when I was 13... luckily she didn't mention him... but she spoke about his foster mother's grave and wanting to go there to leave flowers... and how her 'real' daughter had called her recently by mistake...

    I still to this day think his mother knew... it happened in his bed room when I was supposed to sleep over at their house... I kept it a secret for 2 years (until I told my mum at 15 who blamed me and told me he was a sweet boy and would never do such a thing unprovoked).

    I was friends with the young man, despite him being 19, he was a bit retarded (but he knew what he did that night, he had planned for us to have sex and didn't care that I wasn't interested and kept saying no and tried to fight him off... and he had tried once before in a tent). He was difficult for people to manage but I seemed to have a soothing effect on him. His mother loved having me around because he dealt with stuff easier...

    Some weeks after it happened his mother called my mum and told her she could 'understand' if I was getting 'too old' to want to come and play with him...

    I wonder what made her make that decision. I tried so hard not to show any signs... that night when I asked her to drive me home I had carefully corrected my clothes and hair and I had an excuse for everything. I told her I had gotten homesick and wanted to sleep in my own bed.


    I just feel like I can't make my mother understand... I lose my voice every time she brings that stuff up. I don't know if she thinks it's the stuff you just brush off. My mother doesn't really understand emotions I think... She has even bragged to some people in front of me of how strictly she raised me. (obviously leaving out the beatings) and I can still remember the horrified eyes looking at me as I tried to look unaffected.

    But damn it... Isn't it bad enough that my old mind randomly brings the subject up? Or when I get triggered... does she have to force it? There's plenty other people she can talk to about them... people who won't end up going home crying and screaming into a pillow.

    I'm surprised she didn't mention all the men who have grabbed and grobed me all through my life as well, the older boys in school who would come and find me, to see my boobs that developed too early and if no one was around would try to get a feel... being locked in rooms and forced to play "I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Oh you don't want to? Let me pull down your pants" when I was 7... Or what about the older boy who took me to a forest next to the school, stripped me naked and tied me up, touched me and left me there until someone found me hours later, when I was 6??

    Oh no, wait. I didn't tell anyone about that... Because I knew no one would care anyway.
  2. ((((HUG))))) I am so sorry. I wish there was some way to make what happened go away but there isn't. I say that you need to really limit or eliminate your time with you mother but it sounds like you already do that. Is there anyone irl that you can talk to about this that can understand where you are coming from? It is so much harder to deal with when you don't have anyone to talk to. Are you going to therapy? It is not a cure all but it can help. Getting away from your mother will help also.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    No one in the 'real world' knows... the only person who knows some of what happened is my LDR boyfriend... and he gets so upset.

    I'm very close with my best friend and we can always talk about things... I just can't talk about my past with her. We've known each other for over 7 years.
    My best friend is schizophrenic and that's why I spare her sometimes... her illness means she takes things a lot harder than other people... she always cries her eyes out if we go to the cinema... so imagine how she'd react.

    I have been on a waiting list for therapy for 8 months now... DBT to be exact. I know therapy won't take away what happened but I hope it can make it easier to deal with it and how it makes me feel. I can't do nights like Saturday again... ending up crying all night on the bathroom floor as more and more memories of more abuse invading my mind.
    Going to the therapy clinic 8 months ago to determine what help to get me nearly killed me though... the woman felt the need to say "Maybe the abuse isn't that important".

    Despite it all I see my mum most weekends... mostly because she sends me away with food and I'm broke... and I know that if she feels I stay away for too long (say I'd want to hang out with my best friend), she can get even more cruel the next time I come because she apparently thinks I do it on purpose... Though, when I cut contact with her for months after the Christmas before last that made her a little nicer towards me...

    It just feels lonely to have to keep it all a secret still... to lie on my bathroom floor that way and not being able to contact anyone. It makes me angry too. I bet all the men who ever treated me wrong are living nicer lives... if they ever regret what they might have done to some girl in the past I bet they can just take a shot of alcohol or something... if they even have regrets.
  4. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support Chat Pro SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry huge hugs
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  5. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    ((HUGS)) What you are going through is REALLY hard and should not be minimized by anyone in anyway. While the abuse, in and of itself, is not the 'important' part because the important part is how we react to it and deal with it and live our lives despite it, it is nonetheless an incredibly HUGE factor in how we are in our lives. Before AND after we receive therapy/help with dealing with it. And no one should tell you that something so impacting is not important. I hope you get to start your counseling soon (I am in DBT myself, started just recently, and it has been hugely helpful already) and I hope you are able to learn how to put boundaries in place in your relationship with your mother -- sounds like she needs a little eye opening when it comes to these things.

    Best wishes!
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  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sometimes we must admit to ourselves that we cannot teach an old dog new tricks, some of my family don't even believe in mental illness. You just have to accept that it is what it is. If it is going to make you feel bad I'd suggest not going. You do not deserve this and he's a pitiful excuse for a human being. I DESPISE paedophiles like most people, I hope. You CAN do this and you will GET through this :)
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    This is just sickening, it sickens me to my core. How dare they treat a human being with such little respect and I hope it haunts him more than it haunts you. He will rot in hell. Bless you sweetheart, you have been through a lot, you can PM me any time at all. ((massive hugs)) best wishes to you in your recovery process.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you, thank you so much. I just do wish I could open up to my friend... She tells me everything and I'm the first person she runs to when she struggles... I trust her, but I don't want to hurt her.

    I remembered more of the abuse earlier today... during an argument with my boyfriend... well it turned into an argument... poor, poor man.

    I have repressed so much of what happened at school... I remember most of the bullying, both the psychological and the physical... but I forgot how sick the 'culture' was there... I can't count how many older boys locked me in empty class rooms and either wanted a look or a feel, or for me to feel... I don't know if it happened to other girls... but I do remember one time one of the boys had caught another girl at the same time... she was so scared... and I remember I tried to be brave for her, and let him get it 'over with' with me... somehow hoping maybe he'd leave her alone.

    I remember a grown up found her crying later too, and I remember she didn't tell what really happened... I think we were all a bit scared of those older boys.
    When I got older and the bullying got worse, but the thing about locking me in rooms became less I was offered to 'pay' for protection with sexual favors... I declined and would rather have stuff thrown at me in recess.

    When I was 12 I agreed with myself I never wanted to have sex or even let a man see me naked... not before I got married, if I could ever find a good man and I'd give him my 'virginity'. (my rapist of course ruined that).

    I can't count the number of men who has abused me... and I don't have a wish to know either...

    It worries me how sick stuff that can happen... over and over again without anyone noticing. I know it's been 20 years... but who knows how long it could continue for? I remember some of the boys would take a boy from a class below them with them and 'show' them what they could make me do...

    When I visit my mother I often get off the bus at that school... I can see it from her home and even the building makes me angry. Last year I took the dog for a walk around the schools area and I started crying so bad seeing the playground. The poor dog didn't understand what happened.

    In a way I feel like writing an anonymous letter to the school... I don't know what's that going to help though... but I have twice warned parents of young children of sending their children there... of course I didn't go into details...
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya, I recently (with the help of Acy here) wrote a letter to the director of public prosecutions about my trauma I endured when I was raped, I wanted them to look over all they had again - this is after the case was rejected due to a lack of evidence, they wrote back to me and told me unless further evidence arises and someone else comes forward with the same complaint they cannot help me or do anything for me but just in writing the 2-3 page letter I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it helped just to have it released and have it out there, Maybe the same will happen for you. To just get it off your chest might help and lift the weight off you, You might get a powerful release, so maybe that is what you just do :) And a shoutout to @Acy for helping me write my own!!
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  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear about that Petal *hugs*. It must have hurt so bad to get that message!
    But I'm happy to hear it helped you to write it!

    I just sent off the email actually... I sent it from my fake email though. In a way it feels good to finally say all those things... And what it all caused... how much it ruined.
    Petal likes this.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Yes, it was extremely hurtful, I even cut that day (and I'm not much of a cutter). It pissed me off to no end. It did help writing it and getting my thoughts on paper, and I left my name address, phone number etc on it, I was bold lol

    Good luck, I hope you get the response that you want :)
  12. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    :( I'm so sorry to hear that

    I personally don't know what response I want... I don't even think there's anyone left at the school from that time... but maybe if there's a chance that they will be more alert to children who aren't feeling well... then maybe that's worth it.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Exactly on point with this. If it saves one girl it will have been worth the quest. You have done the right thing here. I hope they will reply in a helpful and respectful manner. You at least deserve that. The reply I got was like a slap in the face but I do have to agree with them that because it was an historic allegation, their hands were tied on what they could do. I just wish I has been more educated at the age it happened (12) so I would have known I wouldn't have got into trouble and he was to blame. I still remember so much of that night and it HURTS real bad, ugh can't think of it!

    Good luck to you sweetie, big hugs, you are very brave to do what you just did, just don't regret it cos that could save someone :) You certainly have my sympathy.
  14. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs you* I am just so sorry for what you went through, Petal. Like you offered me, you can PM me any time too!

    I haven't reported any of my abusers... I was, and still all too scared of the whole legal and court thing... I feel I can't prove anything now... and no one will back me up. My own mother will even work against me if I do.

    And yes, HE was to blame. You certainly was not, and nor was I... though my mum apparently thinks otherwise... apparently a big old sweater and ugly jeans I chose to wear was asking him for it...

    Though, to be fair lots of people would get in trouble... he was by law not allowed to be allowed to be alone in a closed room with anyone. And they left a 13 year old girl in there with him on several occasions...
    Petal likes this.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Honestly if it were me and what I know now, I would still report it, my own mother didn't want me to report it, I went against her and as I thought she did still stand by me. It's very scary when you are being questioned by detectives, the worst part for me was having to describe in exact detail what he did, I had to stop and go for a smoke, I was really panicking though, my sister was by my side and we got through it together, I can't remember the exact time but the whole statement process took about 4 hours, they made me describe every little detail from what he did to the frigging colour of the walls, literally. I'd go for it but its completely your choice hun. It might help you find closure, it might not, it's just unknown how it will make you feel.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  16. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I don't even think I could do that. It was very strong for you to go through with that!

    I'll see how it goes opening up to my therapist about it... I haven't really said it out loud since I told my mother, and she blamed me...

    And I think we have a cut-off age for the victim of when sexual assault and abuse involving children can't be reported anymore here... they talked about deleting that law, but I don't know if they did...
    Petal likes this.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    The therapist won't blame you, that is for sure. That's a definite so don't even wander there hun :) she will understand, therapists have heard it ALL.
    Thanks, it was strong of me and im 10x stronger now for doing it and getting it over with, the small bit of closure I got was enough for me.
    I'm sorry to hear there's a cut off edge, there shouldn't be, that's just wrong. ((hugs))
  18. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    **really really tight long hugs**

    . you are so so so strong.
    . you can take the weight of worlds
    . through the piercing shards of a broken past you've emerged beautiful.
    You can't make people understand...noone knows their extent or cruelty better than you.
    but the fact that you are here
    alive smart and hopeful
    oh phantomlady you have no realization of the level of your formidable powers.
    You have shown life that you are the bigger bitch.
    Hats off for your esteemed existence.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  19. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much for all the support here, it means a lot.

    My Boyfriend and I had a good talk today... Yesterday we got into an argument... (we managed to make the mistake of discussing the subject of prostitution in general and the men who go there... He's the kind of person who always believe in the good in people... while I sadly have actual experience in this field and it wasn't the nicest of men)... we clashed and he was shocked at how strongly I reacted... I think at a point I might have said "You have no f*cking idea"... I had to walk away from the argument before I said anything I would regret... I had to tell him that I needed to respect that we couldn't agree on this and move on... My blood was practically boiling.

    Today was a good day though... I woke up and agreed with myself I would move past that argument... and him of all people took the 'you have no f*cking idea' line to heart... he has been reading up on how to make an abused woman feel comfortable, what is and more importantly what is not showing respect to her... (gosh do they even need to write that stuff down??)

    He doesn't need articles like that though... we have yet to meet in real life but I trust him so much. (to be completely honest deep down I fear he's got bad intentions and has been very good at hiding it) But I have to give happiness a shot... So far he's been a truly good guy to me.

    Oh, and the father of the boy who molested me when I was 4... well mum just texted me to tell me he is coming to my Birthday. Damn it.
  20. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way!!
    i definitely get where youre coming from. when i first left my abuser, my friends were still talking to him and being friends with him as if they didnt even fully grasp what he had done to me, even though they were there for a lot of it.
    im so proud that you were able to make it through her bringing those things up, though. i keep trying to find ways to detach myself from the name so it doesnt affect me when he's brought up but still somehow my stomach always drops when he is. its a process, i guess.
    stay strong angel!! keep us updated. we're here for you <3
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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