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Shut up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lambikin, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Lambikin

    Lambikin Member

    I am so SICK to death of the constant stream of hatred coming from my own brain. Literally every waking moment that I'm not talking to someone else I'm telling myself how worthless and useless I am. HOW DO I SHUT IT UP?!?! I stop for five seconds and before I know it I'm back to it again. It goes like this:

    "You're useless. You have no value. If you were gone from this world, there's no one that would really miss you. You suck on your friends like a parasite, like a vampire, living off of them but never contributing anything. I need to stop thinking negative things! What do I need to do this evening? Remember to finish that book on codependency. God, I'm so needy in relationships. Why am I so needy? I'm a pathetic loser. I can't stop thinking about myself! You're so selfish and self-absorbed and you're a failure and you don't contribute a SINGLE THING to this world!"

    Every vicious word I say hurts me, cuts me to the quick, but at the same time it gives me a horrible pleasure because I know I deserve to be hated. I'm so good at lying to everyone and making them think I'm such a great person. God why can't it STOP!!!!!!!! argghhhhhhhrhghhhhhhhhh

    I'm sorry......... I just need to get it out of my head
  2. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I've hated myself for a long time.

    I think it's just logical. I haven't accomplished much of anything, not working, sucking off my parents, so obviously, I deserve hatred and scorn. Any normal person would hate me. They do it all the time. I did it first, though. I do it even in my sleep. If Spock were here, he would tell me it's logical. He would say that I need to build up my real life self so that there's less to hate about it. But then I would counter and say that I am too lazy to be a real person. I'm too self-absorbed and the only thing that gets me interested is fantasy. And fantasy isn't real and it'll never make me real or happy. If all I can do is dream up sh** then I will never make anything real and always be unhappy. Logical. Of course, Spock would say that I need to change my interests and motivations, perhaps explore things I wouldn't normally explore. But then I'd say that's easier said than done. And I'm sure he'd agree. Easy to agree on a neutral statement.

    But then I hate myself for not changing my interests and motivations because it's easier said than done. And it's easy to hate someone that's unable to change. If I'm not haunted when I'm awake, I'm haunted when I'm asleep. No escape.

    And every passing day is a day I'll never get back. Time is god. We have the pleasure of watching every moment fade and to think back when things were younger and brighter. In the process of hating myself I also get sad about how everything in life dies. You can't hold onto anything. If one thing leaves you alone, another comes to fill its place. It happens repeatedly until you're dead. And I wonder what reason there is to live. I cannot seem to be interested in sacrificing myself to society. I'm selfish. I harbor dreams. I do not want to give myself to my country or in the service of the hurt or weak. So I deserve everyone's hatred. I welcome it in fact. Because I can't seem to accept that I should throw my life away for more transcendental things like society or love or family.

    I'm too important. My lousy conceited self is more important than children and peace (no war) and our future.

    I've put myself into a self-made prison. I can't enjoy selfishness yet I can't break free from it.

    I'm a liberal so hate on me for being a liberal. Believe it or not, I also hate myself for being a liberal.

    I hate myself for not believing in god or faith. I believe if there is a god it's indifferent. No special treatment for anyone.

    I hate myself for thinking bad people aren't punished after death. I hate myself for being new age secular.

    I hate that I do the same thing day after day and do not try to change myself. I am less than sh**.

    I spend my time playing different games and programming on projects I have. I surf. That's my life right now.

    I do not contribute meaningfully to society. I can't even produce good art. What I produce is art not worth selling.

    I am not looking for a hate pride parade. I'm not looking for encouragement. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am just out of answers. I am confused. Don't offer your advice to me. If I can't decide to get better, nothing you say will help!

    I don't hate people. I love people. I applaud people who do what I feel is right. I applaud people who do basic things to support our society. I praise people who have even accomplished 'basic' things like work and family. I don't go inside myself and hate on others who would hate me. I am proud of people around me who do well. Sadly I can't figure out how to make myself better or even how to care enough about it even though I spend my days hating myself for not caring enough to do something!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2011
  3. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    I really recommend "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It describes ways (including simple and specific exercises) to deal with those negative thoughts. It's a cognitive therapy book. There is other stuff out there of course, but I really think this is a great place to start dealing with negative thoughts.

    I know I used to have a problem with negative thoughts, but I don't think I was ever as bad to myself as you describe. That has to be constant torture. I can tell you I feel much better now and have very few negative thoughts each day. It's not all because of "Feeling Good," but I think it helped.

    Anyways, that's my advice if you wanted it, and you have my sympathy as well.
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Are you accomplishing anything? In my life when I've accomplished things, even if it's just a hobby like coding or a bit more substantial like work or school, I always feel better than I do when I don't. Yes, school stressed me out a lot more than work, and there were times in work when I didn't want to get up and go to work, but all in all, I was a happier person and it felt great to have money in my wallet. I don't believe in the self-help BS. I don't believe in the 'think happy thoughts' BS. I believe in working and having self-confidence from ensuring to yourself that you have self-worth and meaning. This doesn't happen by slipping a pill or by reading a happy thoughts book. This can only happen by improving on yourself and acquiring the skills necessary to be a productive and happy member of society. And since I'm doing almost none of those things that's precisely why I'm always hating on myself.

    I'm just wasting away my time. I play too many games. I should program more at least. I feel better about myself when i'm programming, but it's just too much like work and I am not a self-starter. Inevitably I get stuck in a game again. I should look for work more so I can build up some money and then finish my classes and finish my transfer degree. Then I'd be going in a positive direction in my life and accomplishing something. Right now I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing. I feel like I'm not a self-made man.

    I'm the kind of guy that left to himself leads to his own destruction. I can't seem to make the kind of choices I need to make in these circumstances to do well. I'd like to repeat that I don't think I'm a self-starter. I'm not the kind of guy that builds a computer in his garage and then becomes a billionaire selling them to everyone. That's just not me. I wish I was that disciplined about things, but I'm not. I don't have that kind of foresight. Without others I just seem to falter and give up. I've always told myself what amazing things people could be if they read science books all day every day. I mean, what if I had done that for the past 10 years rather than play games? Or what if i had spent my time on one single programming project? I'd have something of value. But I didn't do it that way.

    Yet, I hate it when people tell me "Just get a job." I've been thinking the same thing for 10 years. Every day I wish I was more motivated so I'd have something on my name. I don't think I was born with the energy others have. Even though I don't believe in the self-help stuff or the pharmaceuticals (slipping pills every day) I do think I have social anxieties from early in life and could use some help there; too self-conscious and defensive. I really don't know what to do. I just know I'm not happy playing games. They don't improve me.

    If I were to give advice to someone young I'd tell them to get friends and keep them. You might need them when you falter and they're a pivotal source of information. Stick to things in life you enjoy that also make you productive. Stay away from things that're just time suckers. They'll suck you dry. Don't do something just to improve yourself or it'll defeat the purpose. If you can't find something you enjoy that also improves you then you've failed just as bad as someone like me that lives with his parents doing nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2011
  5. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    I really feel for you johnnysays. I read what you wrote and it reminds me in some ways of what I was dealing with six-months ago (and for much of the previous decade plus). While I can't know exactly how you feel, I can empathize enough to know how tough things must be for you.

    I've actually thought about your post for quite awhile. I'm still not sure the best way to respond. I know you wrote earlier that you didn't want advice.

    I thought what you said right after that, "If I can't decide to get better, nothing you say will help!" was very insightful. Deciding to get better is a lot more than just wanting to be happy instead of depressed. And I don't think anything I say is likely to get you there. But I hope something you see or hear hits a nerve sometime, or maybe the idea just spawns spontaneously, and you are able to make that decision. When you do, there are many tools to help.

    You also asked about productivity. Your perspective seems to be that when you are productive, you will feel better. My experience has been that looking at it the other way is more accurate for me. That is, when I feel better, then I am more productive. Actually, I'm not sure that both aren't true to varying degrees. As for my own productivity that you were wondering about: I have not been very productive in terms of having a job; but I have been very productive in terms of my goal of dealing with my depression and getting better.