When your suicidal, and you act on it, you are either in a fight or flight manic episode, or a long term depressive shutting down period. I have experienced both. When your shutting down, I would describe this as being a diplomat of spirits, losing contact with those around you so that if you do decide to go, they either won't notice, or won't feel responsible. On Christmas day, I got a text from a lady I met in hospital a year ago. I think of texts as cheap and tacky, but this one changed my life more than any drug ever could. It saved my life. I didn't realize it, but I was "shutting down", and contact from this one person made me realize that. What if I had already gone? How would I reply to the text? This whole experience has given me a new problem. No other persons text would have had that impact on me. She is the love of my life, but she is Married. I feel subordinate to other men, and I then get depressed about this because I feel it is sexist. I don't like the idea of sexism. I feel a new sense of dread coming over me -- A higher frequency of diplomatic shutdown with a slight sense of optimism keeping me hanging on. I have come to hate myself as a person. I am a sexless womanizer and I can't even help it. I make women feel like they're the one, and I don't have the balls to make them the one, partly because I am attached to someone else in some fantasy World and I would be cheating on them. I am afraid to move, but have said some stupid things to some Women from my past, in the hope that they would offer an escape from my forbidden love that I had been running from. One of them doesn't even live in this Country anymore. My psychology for thinking that she was the one was that I would be prepared to move Country for her. The sad reality is I don't even know my own mind. So, as of Christmas day, I would see out the rest of my life, but now I am not sure what for. But that feeling I got on Christmas day - Is worth having lived for alone.