It's amazing how easy it is to shut the door on friendships after you've opened it up wide and let people inside and you stop hanging out with them all the time and suddenly you wake up to find everything has changed they don't even call you anymore to invite you to dinner and you can't help thinking that this is all your fault you shut the door you didn't want to hang out with them all the time anymore so isn't this what you were asking for? you wanted to go to bible study last night but it feels too late to go back they don't need you anymore what hurts the most is that you're that easy to forget sometimes it feels like you never met them and then you flash back to one moment to one memory was that all real? or did you just imagine it? these girls were there for you when you were down they were laughing with you making unforgettable memories and now you're so afraid that they've all forgotten you've lost almost everyone everyone who meant anything to you everyone who knows everything about you has hurt you and you trusted them and they don't even know all the damage they've done you're fading away and they don't even notice they don't even care that you turn to alcohol to cigarettes to getting high to boys to everything that will never satisfy and you don't even matter anymore they've already moved on but you feel so lost when did it all fall apart? the year started out so well things were good life was good and you felt happy and you went to church and now now you're hurting deep inside and no one cares everything is driving you crazy and no one knows and you can't tell them because everything is falling apart and you can't stop it and you're falling and it's easier to keep falling than to ask for help because then they would know that you're weak and you can't be weak because you're not you have to be strong you are so sick and tired of always pretending that things are fine and that life is okay cuz it's definitely not you don't know how to apologize for a lifetime of mistakes for everything that has caused others pain you can't take it back it's just too late you begin to wonder what will happen next fall when you return to school will you have faded away even more? will everything be in a million pieces? will you be even more broken? why don't they give a shit? why don't they care? why does it hurt so fuckin bad? nothing has changed this is not the first time that everything has fallen apart and you're so helpless to stop this unraveling it hurts so fuckin bad you want to erase the past but this is impossible for it is already gone and you're losing more and more of yourself with each passing day and the saddest thing is that you don't give a shit anymore.