SI shuts up my mind.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by OrbitalPoet, May 18, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. OrbitalPoet

    OrbitalPoet Active Member

    The reason I self harm is simple, my mind is usually aflame with thoughts, an unending storm of ideas, thoughts, feelings, that just does not stop. I can't concentrate on anything for long, then off I go on some wild chase through the random thoughts, flitting from one thing to the next. Before I know it I am immersed in some seemingly real daydream, talking, even yelling, without knowing it. It doesn't get this far in public, although I am scared it will, I notice I do talk to myself in public sometimes, immersed in something that is only in my mind. Then, I 'come to', realising what I am doing.
    Yes, I have had psychiatric 'help' for this, but they gave up pretty quick, after the drugs they tried didn't have much effect on the problem, but plenty of side effects. The worst was huge doses of SSRIs, they 'locked' me into the stream of thoughts, I couldn't function, would just sit there, sometimes not able to talk, no coherent thoughts on what to say. That is the only time I have ever wet myself as an adult. Just unable to do anything about it, too busy with the increased storm of thoughts. I was grateful to get off that, and am rather worried about seeking any further treatment! The shrinks also had the problem of not being able to pigeonhole me properly. They eventually decided I had 'half' of OCD. Lots of obsessions, but no compulsions to act on them, which never sounded right to me. An OCD obsession needs to be repetitive, I know what this is like, I do get this mildly, a need for a particular type of order, which can only be satisfied by carrying out some sort of action, the compulsion, which you must do, or you just don't feel well. But the thoughts I am having are anything but repetitive, they are all over the place.
    The Zen term 'mad monkey' for an unrully mind fits perfectly!
    And self harm is the only reliable way I have found to tear control from that mad monkey. I hit myself, bite, and cut. My left forearm is permanently sore from being hit so much, I use it in public when I need to, just by squeezing with the right hand. It can be done on the sly, silencing the monkey for a few minutes so I can concentrate on shopping, banking, etc. Driving is a problem, I usually thump my thighs with the blunt end of a pen whenever I feel myself slipping away, or I arrive where I want to be, with no recollection of how I got there, lost in some thought or other.
    I am slowly learning to transfer to other, less harmful means, but they are not as effective.
    Sorry about the ramble, but I am really interested to know, does anybody else self harm for this sort of reason?

  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I can sort of relate to what you're saying. Although I do not suffer with constant immersion in my thoughts to anything like the same degree as you, self harm is a release from my mind. While I'm harming, I can't think about anything else and become very peaceful and relaxed. I haven't cut for about a year now, and although I harm in other ways, it doesn't have quite the same effect, and I miss it.

    I wish you hadn't been so let down by psychiatrists. It seems they failed in their duty of care in this case.

  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i absolutely love that expression "silence the monkey" it just really does sum so much. the prob with psychiatrists they diagnose by the book, i saw 3 or 4 diff pyschiatrists and they all came up with different diagnoses and differnet drugs which all phugged me ujp. psychiatrists rely on drugs to "cure you" maybe if you see a psychotherapist it might be more helpful. they cant prescribe drugs and rely on dealing with the mind itself. drugs will silence the monkey to a degree, but they wont make it go need proper therapy which can be evil, to do that.

    get therapy not psychiatry.... hang on :hug:
  4. OrbitalPoet

    OrbitalPoet Active Member

    Thanks for the comments guys, sorry about the long time before replying, but I needed a little time away. Sometimes it is really good to know there are others out there, and I am not alone, but other times it hurts, to know that there are so many others, makes it feel a little hopeless at times.
    Thanks icequeen for showing me that the psychiatric help I had sought is different from psychotherapy, and maybe that might help.

    Thanks again,

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.