sick and alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by letty, Mar 7, 2012.

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  1. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Yes I am alone sick and tired, physicaly and mentaly. have been trying to think positive about the issues I am going through. but my brain just keeps playing the negative record over and over, " you are messed up, give up , you cant even try for kids. "I wanted kids, I wanted to give blood but I cant, I had the donor sticker , but I cant do that. it will be infected, I cant do crap, to help others. I just cry, I am lonelly, I cant talk to my friends, they are not open to hearing this kind of stuff... I dont know how long I can live with this secret, they think I am loosing weight on purpose, but I am wasting little by little.,they dont know that.. I just want to end it all before my body starts giving out on me, I have alreay had 2 symptoms, that were caught just in time, but need more checkups.. which i hate, I have taken a bunch of klonipine and norcos and gabapentin, I honestly dont know if tha t will do anything but if it dosent I will sleep atleast. I am having a hard time typing getting tired and sleepy, sick and alone.just want to end it. I just needed to get this off my chest if it makes sense. thanks for listening to me if anyone does. thanks for listening
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2012
  2. Codyy

    Codyy Member

    Music is my only motivation to even think about being alive. listen to songs that mean a lot to you, right poetry or something, things will get better. :)
     
  3. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Thanks for the suggestion, i appreciate the response, music does make me feel free . I miss writing poetry I could try writing things down again,just so tired an lonlely sickness is such a drag. I am tired of it
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Hope you are OK letty, sleep well and I hope tomorrow brings a renewed desire to fight. PM me if you wish.
     
  5. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Thanks windlepoons I get get alot of sleep, I am not sure how this day will go, still sick. but oh well. I appreciate you listening
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No problem Letty, good luck for today. Glad you got a lot of sleep :)
    Here if you want to talk.
     
  7. Deadtwice

    Deadtwice Well-Known Member

    I understand beings sick. And not wanting to fight any more. May I ask what you are ill with? I have been sick for 7 weeks and they have no clue what it is. I am in pain and mentally I want nothing more than it to be over. I have had fibromyalgia for three and a half years now. ( I'm olny 16). I feel like my body just spits out medical mysteries everyso often. You are not alone. Just remember that.
     
  8. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hi Patrick, thanks for your words of encouragement. I am sorry you are going through pain and I know how frustrating it can be when they cant find the diagnose. I hope they are giving you something for the pain. To answer your question, I have HIV. I found out because I had caught shingles, which is painful. so they ran tests and it showed up positive. lately I have been feeling real weak, sick to my stomach. I just keep thinking all kinds of things. I hope they find out what it is thats making you sick and I hope they can get you the proper care that you need, keep on them, right down all your systems , right everything down and when you go to the doctor read it to him/her so they can know what your going through. and thanks for your post.
     
  9. Deadtwice

    Deadtwice Well-Known Member

    It took four months to diagnose fibromyalgia. Not knowing is worse than finding out you have something for the rest of your life. I can really understand stomach upset. I have had no appetite. I am down to 115lbs and a 26 inch waist. ( I'm six foot tall) I feel like pulsing when I eat after I eat it hurts so bad. It wakes me from sleep so I just feel terrible. I am on homebound now. I just want to be better.
     
  10. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Deadtwice, it sounds very painful, is there anything that can help with the stomach pain? I know how frustrating it is, I cry thinking this isnt going to just go away, it might get easier to handle but I feel I have no future..do you have family that supports you and who are there for you Deadtwice?
     
  11. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I am tired of this , my body is trying to hang on, salvage the cells it has left, I hate this . I wish I had the courage to just cut deeper. ..why do people have to be so judgemental
     
  12. Deadtwice

    Deadtwice Well-Known Member

    Ya but I'm not sure I want to live with my body. Told my t bout how I'm feel'n so now I'm being watched. Sigh :/
     
  13. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I am sorry for the pain your going through, I know the uncomfortable feeling of being watched, I dont have a therapist to talk to about these feelings of suicide, and the feelings I have about the illness its all just a big bundle of crap hanging over me, its worst at night and tonight I just feel like ending it
     
  14. Deadtwice

    Deadtwice Well-Known Member

    Night isthe worst. It is just you and your thoughts. I personally have to deal with voices sometimes.
     
  15. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I have had that at times myself, very disturbing, especially when I lay down to sleep and these voice keep intruding, I have a very hard time at night, how are you feeling today? hows the pain and are you able to eat?
     
  16. Deadtwice

    Deadtwice Well-Known Member

    I ate a little. I am tired. But I'm holding together. Not afoul 3-4.
     
  17. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Im having an ok day, but im in alot of pain, my side where I had the shingles is hurting really bad, nerve damage, they give me neurontin, but I just took a half pill of norco, so I hope that takes the pain away, I havent had an appetite today, are they still watching you?
     
  18. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I cant believe how stupid I can be, I told a friend of mine that I am HIV positive and they freaked out on me started moving away from me, wouldnt give me a hug good by, more less said wont see you later, I feel like I am never gonna have friends out in the world, that will know about my illness, I guess when I die then they will know, I feel like doing it now, I was having a good day then this happened, talk about a slap in the face, I feel I never should have told anyone about this disease, my family, here on the site, I feel I should of just ended it the day I was told rather than go through a life of shame. I am so fed up. to hell with it.
     
  19. Anonymu

    Anonymu Well-Known Member

    A lot of people are idiots.
    I can't believe how stupid your friend is for treating you like that. He/she doesn't know anything about HIV and is treating you with ignorance.
    I've seen this in a lot of people. They are all so superficial and so self-centered...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2012
  20. letty

    letty Banned Member

    yes I agree, I am sad I lost a friend, I tried calling her and she dosent answer. thanks to this site, i have kept my mind on other things, like boys v girls
     
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