I am sick and tired of doing this to myself. Ever since the age of 13 i had my first relationship and my life has been a mess since then because of it. I have had only 3 serious boyfriends in my life (I'm 19 now). In my first relationship I was emotionally abused for 3 years (we both were immature) and I was hurt to end the relationship, but I was more relieved to let go because I was sick and tired of being treated like crap. Eventually i moved on (but with a morbid fear of getting close to boyfriends etc). I feel that I am someone who puts in my all when it comes to my partner even if I used to do it the wrong way (I was very clingy in the past). But about a year ago, I met my second boyfriend. I lost it after our breakup and fell into depression (I did alot of stupid things) and my current boyfriend and I met while I was still in that depression. He pulled me out back then, but now my depression has been taken to a whole new level ever since my boyfriend broke up with me twice (both times i begged for him back) and I have been suffering from anxiety since too and seeing a psychologist. I feel like I can never predict what is gonna come next in our relationship because I never know what he's gonna do next and I feel like I have to say sorry for everything. Sometimes even my sorry isn't enough over small issues that deep in my heart I know aren't my fault. I have changed for him and given him space (he is a muslim and I'm a christian) and because of him everytime we go out I eat halal food together with him and I've stopped drinking for him too. I feel really heartbroken that no matter what i do it never seems enough and my efforts always seem to end up in the trash. I don't want to even live anymore because I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and knowing I'll go crazy if we breakup. I'm tired of being on this emotional rollercoaster with a heart that's already so hurt and burdened. I really have no courage to continue, yet no courage to die. I feel so stupid for that.