Sick and tired of running this hamster wheel

[Giraffeman]

Every day I dread going home. My house is way too crowded, my landlord keeps moving people in. No one will let my dog out, and because I work two jobs she peed in the house. My roommate said she'd do it if I paid her. I can't afford it. I have bills going to collection. EZ pass fines me again. Everyone tells me "just work hard it will work out." I've been working hard since I was 12, I've had a job on the books as long as I could legally. It doesn't matter. I'm still too poor to find another place to live. I'm too poor to utilize my high premium and high deductible insurance. My parents, my sister, and my dog are all that keeps me here. I don't know how much is left in me but it doesn't feel like much.
I should be grateful I have anything at all and anyone who cares about me. I have no one to split costs with and even a craphole any where near work is outside of my price range. I'm stuck in a terrible situation and no matter how.much I work, or how hard I try it just doesn't matter. Nothing I do or have done has ever mattered. I can't even keep my room clean, I cant even take care of myself. I haven't bathed in days. I just want this to end

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this Griaffeman

It's tough when you are dealing with multiple problems at once. Any one is difficult, but when they come all at once it's hard, or maybe impossible not to be overwhelmed.

What way could SF help the most right now?

 

[Stijn]

I'm sorry you feel this way man. Anything we can do to help? Try to take care of yourself because it's important no matter how bad you feel. Take a good long bath and try to relax.

 

[Giraffeman]

Sorry that you're going through this Griaffeman

It's tough when you are dealing with multiple problems at once. Any one is difficult, but when they come all at once it's hard, or maybe impossible not to be overwhelmed.

What way could SF help the most right now?

I honestly don't know. If anyone from Maine is looking for a roommate with a dog, or if anyone wants to pay my bills lol. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to help. I just feel helpless and stupid and I wish it was all over. But I will wake up, go to work, hope my dog behaves, and then do the same thing all over again all the while praying for the sweet mercy of a sleep without dreams.

 

[may71]

If anyone from Maine is looking for a roommate with a dog, or if anyone wants to pay my bills lol

You might want to try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can help refer you to resources for housing, employment, food, and healthcare.

I wonder if you could live with your sister or your parents, maybe save some money, and eventually move some place else, including outside of Maine.

You might be eligible for vocational assistance for people with disabilities. They might be able to help you find a job that pays more, and also lets you work fewer hours. Qualifying may vary from state to state, but in at least some cases, if you have a disability (including depression) which is a barrier to employment, but are able to do at least some work, you can qualify for assistance.

If you are found to be at least partially disabled, you may qualify for medicaid.

I just feel helpless and stupid and I wish it was all over

It sounds to me like you've worked pretty damn hard all of your life, but you're just in a difficult situation. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Giraffeman]

You might want to try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can help refer you to resources for housing, employment, food, and healthcare.

I wonder if you could live with your sister or your parents, maybe save some money, and eventually move some place else, including outside of Maine.

You might be eligible for vocational assistance for people with disabilities. They might be able to help you find a job that pays more, and also lets you work fewer hours. Qualifying may vary from state to state, but in at least some cases, if you have a disability (including depression) which is a barrier to employment, but are able to do at least some work, you can qualify for assistance.

If you are found to be at least partially disabled, you may qualify for medicaid.


It sounds to me like you've worked pretty damn hard all of your life, but you're just in a difficult situation. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

It seems like unless you're completely destitute there is no help for you in Maine. I made too much money to qualify for mainecare last year, housing assistance is essentially for older people and families it seems. Unless you work for the state or a really good company health insurance is really bad out here. Every day I am scared, upset, tired, and I'm not comfortable in the one place I should be. I don't want to throw a pity party for myself but can't get past myself or take care of myself and I can't afford to go to a hospital.

 

[JmpMster]

I am sorry things are difficult for you right now, and by the sounds have been for a long time. Maine is an interesting place- I actually moved away from Maine the day I finished my last HS final exam- didn't even wait til graduation- as soon as done I left and have only been back half dozen times in the last 32 years. I will say that from what i see from cousins/ brother/sister still up there that while everyplace else has changed Maine still seems stuck in the past and slow to catch up for the most part, though they are all much further upstate/ interior region in the real backwoods...

A few things for you to do or consider. First is the difference in "can't " and depression induced don't want to/don't feel like doing so do not bother. Things like cleaning room , taking showers, taking care of self, unless you have no bathroom/running water fall into the depression induced do not care enough to bother without huge effort. The huge effort is in fact worth it. It is only huge effort the first week or so until it becomes habit to pick up and cleanup= both room and yourself. Then you can start to feel like a real person instead of posing in a life with no value. I do understand exceptionally well what you are talking about and how it gets to that point- may want to read a post I did a while ago about it and that explains my signature line a little - https://www.suicideforum.com/2018/04/30/making-tomorrow-better-by-doing-something-today/

Once you get your life into as good as it can be given where you are and current job- which by the sounds could be a lot better than currently trying to live- then you can start looking how to fix other things. Maybe is time to consider moving - to another place or another state. Maybe could get roommate to share expenses if place is cleaned up and you are cleaned up more. There is a lot of room for little improvements, and when you add up 50 little improvements things are a lot better-- working on and worrying only about the really big hard things and letting everything else go is a common issue- and a mistake that makes things spiral out of control and worse and worse... I do hope you find some ways to make things a little better- and keep doing that
until things are what you want. You can't go from where you are to all you want in a week or month, but you can get closer to it - by a little bit- each day until it is something that is worthwhile to you.

 

[gypsylee]

Everyone tells me "just work hard it will work out."

Hey @Giraffeman

I don’t have a lot to say but this quote.. Do people really say this?? Good god.

Also, things you do and have done do matter. Hang in there.

Gypsy x

 

[Sunspots]

Hi @Giraffeman (your username made me smile - who doesn't smile at a giraffe right?)

I'm sorry things seem so bad. It's exhausting when this goes on for so long and it seems like there's no end in sight. I think many of us have been in that hole of not having the energy or strength to even carry out basic self care like bathing or cleaning. Do read @JmpMster link above - it really is an excellent piece and surprised me enormously what a difference it made to me. When I find myself skipping showers I know it's time to take some action as for me, things will spiral downwards from there. And it's weird how much of a sense of achievement can come from making yourself do something as simple as taking a shower finally picking up all the laundry on my bedroom floor. Maybe the next day I'll even manage to put it in the washer.. those little things really do add up and make life seem even just a little better. And when life seems that little bit better it's easier to think about some of the bigger things.

Keep talking to us here OK?

 

[may71]

It seems like unless you're completely destitute there is no help for you in Maine

You still might be eligible for vocational assistance, and 211 still might at least be worth a try. Not a guarantee, but I don't think it would hurt

I don't want to throw a pity party for myself

There's nothing wrong with wanting a little empathy and compassion when you're struggling. For some reason that's treated like a crime these days by some people.

You have a rough hand of cards to deal with. I hope there's a way for things to get better.

 

[Giraffeman]

Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to try to get back together with this company that lets interns council you for free if you can't afford it on regular insurance. It's hard for me to shower because we have 9 people living in my house two of which are children who need more time in the bathroom. I usually pee outside because it's easier lol. I need to take my like 3 hours of free time a day and dedicate it towards cleaning. I'm very lucky because I have friends and a family who cares about me. The house I live in is very beautiful and my pooch has a lot of space to play. I should be very grateful. I think I should invite friends over so that I have more incentive to clean.

 

[Sunspots]

That's a great idea about the interns for counselling!

And definitely invite people over. It not only gives you an incentive to clean but more contact with the people we love will lift our mood too. Plus they might bring cake

 

[may71]

I hope that counseling will help!

 

[JinaB]

Aww man, don't give up, at least if only for your dog. I pray you find some good counseling. Try and take one day at a time. Sounds like you work hard. Take baby steps. I believe you do have some control over your life. I'm sure things are tough right now. You can't worry too much about the collections. You can only pay what you can. Pay the most important things first, like rent, food, insurance. I know for me just taking my dog for a walk empties my head of so much garbage. Just getting fresh air and enjoying seeing him chasing the squirrels. I'm really glad you have people who care about you, too. That's a lot, really.