Sick and tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EX1T, May 22, 2013.

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  1. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    Of being misunderstood, misdiagnosed and patronised by everyone.

    Why is it that the only logical conclusion to someone's wish to just end it all is depression? It doesn't matter how many times I tell people that I'm not depressed or mad, that I just do not share the same excitement about life they feel.

    I'm tired of having my children thrown at me as a way to blackmail me into continuing with this existence... Surely for them a mother who wants to live would be better than this sorry excuse of a functioning person I am? Sure, I do the chores, cook, drive them around, try to listen (though that just tires me out beyond belief)...

    The doctors are sure that eventually one of their happy pills will give me some artificial happiness... Well, I'm on their 12th choice now and so far I haven't changed my mind about wanting out. Life just doesn't hold anything for me. I don't want to travel, experience stuff, connect with people, learn something new or any of the other million other things that are "gently suggested" to lift my mood... Why can't they understand that this is not a mood?

    And please, I am not religious so suggestions of praying, finding spiritual guidance or any of that would feel like an insult to my (admittedly little) intelligence. I do not belittle people who do have religious beliefs, but it isn't for me :)

    Maybe somebody here can relate to me and will not come out with the usual drip drip drip of inane reasons why life is so wonderful....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    For many of us life is NOT so wonderful but we do stay for our family

    Unless you have been on the other side of suicide you can never understand the pain one feel with that loss

    I don't think people are trying to guilt you into anything they want you to be aware of the damage that will be bestowed on your children they will suffer they will blame themselves just a fact you need to know

    You say it is not depression then what is it people who want to commit suicide people who have no will to live any longer that is not normal

    You tell me what it is if it is not depression because i have the same thing no life left in me but no way in hell will i pass this on to anyone else it is my problem and i will not let others suffer

    If you have another name for it let me know ok i too have been told it is depression change of chemistry in the brain a will no longer there

    It takes many many tries before the right meds can work or combination of meds you have only tried 12 out of hundreds i hope you find the right combination soon and until then therapy with meds work best for alleviating these thoughts the null feeling of hopelessness
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Aside from not being alive - what changes in situation would make your life better? Whether it is different home,job, carer for children - are there things you can say life would be better if.... ?
     
  4. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    Thanks for the replies... I guess I must be unique in my views after all.

    There are no changes or circumstances that would make me want to carry on with this existence ... As far as I'm concerned, I've done what I wanted/needed to do. The kids are not toddlers... They're teens and well on their way to being old enough to be independent.. I hung around long enough to scar them for life as it is :) ...

    I don't buy into this non proven, maybe chemical imbalance that may or may not be helped by pumping me full of medications that have horrendous side effects... Yes, I've sat for hours and hours chatting to the therapist, all of whom conclude that I am "too complex" ... Maybe if hey just listened and really heard me, they'd see that I really just don't want to live.

    I guess the last thing for me to overcome is being a coward... None of the secure methods sound peaceful or painless but maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that that will be the price I have to pay. And I will make sure that my kids know its not their fault but MY choice... I have always been open and honest with them about death being a natural part of life not something taboo or to take blame for.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2013
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I have heard the "just because" and "bored with" many times before so that is not unique. I simply do not actually believe that anymore than you believe the chemical imbalance - basically because if there were not something you felt had been wrong you would never had tried medications and therapy to "fix" any of it. The fact that a person is not sure of what is wrong or what they would fix is not unique either- it is very common actually to just know that things as they are "are not working and not worth the effort" - and it may very well be true that it is not worth it to you or exciting enough to you as they are.

    This is a long way from has no potential to be satisfying now or in the future (I also do not believe people can see the future - the psychic can foretell the future thing does not really seem reasonable). I have no idea anymore than you do why life feels this way to you - but there is a reason or reasons that caused it either situational or mental , and if there are reasons they can be addressed what it is determined what they are. So far as whether you want to - that is a decision you are making based on the current situation continuing so maybe a little less weight should be given to that....
     
  6. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    The meds and therapy I did because my family wanted me to... Their words "we'd rather you be artificially happy than what you are now" so when my PTSD didn't respond to the meds, the "talking therapies" were brought in... Last week my options were: either we send you to the psych ward now or you take your meds" ...

    I don't even know why I thought there may be others like me, I am not "bored" or "just because" wanting out... Arguably I have had a lot of excuses happen to me that warrant depression, PTSD etc but I know plenty of people who had it far far worse and still enjoy life.. I just don't.. I don't see a point in my existence... I have procreated, so have fulfilled my purpose I guess.

    Even joining and posting here seems a contradiction to how I feel.. I can hazard a guess at your thoughts "well if she were really serious she wouldn't talk about it and just do it" and yes, I would but as I'm currently deemed "high risk" I get checked up on and everyone is watching me like hawks so even getting into the bathroom undisturbed is an achievement. So I'm biding my time, making the right noises and hope to slip under the radar soon enough.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2013
  7. Foreigner

    Foreigner New Member

    I can relate to you. I feel like there is little hope for me to have happiness in life not because of brain chemistry but because of circumstances. I choose to live to raise my children. The pain gets unbearable at times.
    Reading and posting on this forum helps a little. Also I like to read the discussions on what could be considered pro choices blogs. It does not make me more suicidal. I feel like my feelings get validated and acknowledged. Intelligent discussions about euthanasia for everybody.
    I wish I could find the right words to make you feel better. **
     
  8. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    Thank you foreigner for putting into words what I couldn't convey: pro choice.

    As a German national I actually have a constitutional right to a dignified life and death, so pro choice is something I am very in favour of. I totally agree that for the majority of people a guidance towards life is the right choice but for myself... Well I've heard it all before, it all turns into blablablabla with no one taking me seriously and considering that I may not be mad or depressed but actually be making an informed choice. If I had a life threatening illness or disability, people would be far more sympathetic and understanding than they are with me now. Constantly living in a void is as debilitating as those other conditions, people just cannot see or grasp it, so there must be something wrong with me that can be fixed... I've let them try now I just want them to admit tht their attempts failed.

    Oh well here goes to another day of nothingness and mental torture...
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Suicide itself is not illegal in Germany, nor is it illegal to take patients off life support or a feeding tube when they have explicitly stated that such treatment should be terminated. However, killing a person who explicitly asks to be killed can carry jail terms of up to five years.
    German law allows taking a patient off life support
    The German Medical Association is planning to continue discussing the issue at its annual convention in May. Text in the association's professional code of conduct, stating that doctors may not "actively shorten" the life of a dying patient, is under review.
    The professional code of conduct is the binding document which regulates medical ethics.


    German law is little different than that of most other countries. Not saying it is right or wrong, simply clarifying for other readers. Actual euthanasia, as opposed to physician or patient right to terminate treatment is illegal and prosecuted. This is often mistaken because of the dignitas group opening office in Germany where they will provide information on methods but no materials or assistance in carrying out the methods.

    In UK both euthanasia and physician assisted suicide are illegal.
     
  10. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    Yes, assisted suicide or euthanasia are under debate however, outright suicide is legal

    Es gibt ein Recht auf Leben, aber keinen Zwang zum Leben. Das Recht auf Leben beinhaltet daher auch das Recht, sein eigenes Leben zu beenden, sei es durch Verweigerung Zustandsverl├Ąngernder Ma├čnahmen oder auch durch Suizid. Dies entschied das Bundesverfassungsgericht am 25. Juli 1979 (BverfGE 53, S. 131 ff.). So ist in Deutschland weder der Suizid noch die Beihilfe zum Suizid Strafbar.

    translated, this means that my right to life is protected, but I cannot be forced to live. Therefore, my right to end my life by either refusing medical interventions or suicide is protected in the constitution, as per ruling by the highest court in Germany on 25/07/1979.

    The biggest problem dignitas.de faces is the fact that the available methods in Switzerland are not available to German doctors and pharmacists, as far as I am aware only Switzerland and holland allow this method.
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    and the fact that dignitas was condemned by 98% of all Doctors in Germany.....

    in addition - I am not aware of anyplace that suicide is illegal. It is in UK, US and AU a mental health issue, not a criminal act
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2013
  12. EX1T

    EX1T Member

    urgh I can't ven reply properly today nvm I can't be bothered to type it all out.. In fact, in Germany even aiding in a suicide cannot be prosecuted..

    Our constitution and subsequent high court rulings are quite clear, there is only ONE reason Germans choose Switzerland over Germany and that is the well known Swiss method.

    ETA: this is only applicable to German citizens in Germany so please research laws in your country carefully

    I am not trying to inflame, argue or be difficult. As we come at this right from two different sides of the arguement, it is understandable that you (as a mod ESP) have a duty of care and personal investment in the pro life arguement and I hasten to add that that should be the first choice for everyone. However, I, for myself, reserve my right to choose the other side :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2013
  13. Foreigner

    Foreigner New Member

    I am so surprised that so many doctors in germany condemn dignitas. You have to be so cold hearted to oppose euthanasia for terminally ill people.
    Suicide, especially with drastic methods, is a horrible and scary act. It is not something pretty. That is why so many people are eager to say that suicidal people are just mental cases and let them
    be institutionalized and let the psychiatrists to deal with them. It is very easy and totally socially acceptable way of thinking.
    We are so lonely in our feelings and decisions. I am glad that germany is a more progressive country.
    I feel for people who have to go through unbearable mental anguish. What would be the ideal way for the society to deal with suicide anyway?
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    being a pro life site this is i think this topic is not appropriate that being said i will close the thread as it is and let each one have their own opinion but here suicide is not the answer this site is to help support people to survive
     
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