I am sick of hoping/praying (not that I believe in 1 god, who knows who there is out there) each night that I will go to sleep and not wake up. Suddern Adult Death Syndrome (SADS - quite fitting really) is what I hope for. Sick of constantly looking at different ways in which I could do it. Ways in which it could look like an accident or more importantly not suicide. Even in death I would still want some dignity and I feel if people knew it was suicide I wouldn't. I don't know why I feel like that as because if I did die suddenly or the cause was unclear there would be inquiries and with my contacts with services and what I have said to them before that I would want to make it look like an accident (kinda shot myself in the foot there), well it wouldn't look like an accident. My lap top would be ceased more than likely and even though I come on here in a private browser it's probably really easy to see what I have been looking at. I don't want to bring more things up from my past. I have mentioned it to the counsellor once. I can't and haven't been able to talk about it since. Even on here I refer to it as IT as I can't talk about it. I don't want the constant conflict, the constant fighting anymore. I want it all to vanish. I want never to think about it again. Why for all these years I haven't thought about it in a particular way and all of a sudden I think about it differently. I wrote on my blog about a question that can be posed to people psychologically and I am of the belief that if I wasn't aware it had happened I wouldn't want to know. I think about things and methods or harming that I don't do. One of which I did nearly die from before about a year ago. I swallowed a couple of pieces of metal tonight hoping that may work. I can blame that on something being in the food already. I am sick and tired!!