Sick and Tired

[GoldenPsych]

I am sick of hoping/praying (not that I believe in 1 god, who knows who there is out there) each night that I will go to sleep and not wake up. Suddern Adult Death Syndrome (SADS - quite fitting really) is what I hope for. Sick of constantly looking at different ways in which I could do it. Ways in which it could look like an accident or more importantly not suicide. Even in death I would still want some dignity and I feel if people knew it was suicide I wouldn't.

I don't know why I feel like that as because if I did die suddenly or the cause was unclear there would be inquiries and with my contacts with services and what I have said to them before that I would want to make it look like an accident (kinda shot myself in the foot there), well it wouldn't look like an accident. My lap top would be ceased more than likely and even though I come on here in a private browser it's probably really easy to see what I have been looking at.

I don't want to bring more things up from my past. I have mentioned it to the counsellor once. I can't and haven't been able to talk about it since. Even on here I refer to it as IT as I can't talk about it.

I don't want the constant conflict, the constant fighting anymore. I want it all to vanish. I want never to think about it again. Why for all these years I haven't thought about it in a particular way and all of a sudden I think about it differently. I wrote on my blog about a question that can be posed to people psychologically and I am of the belief that if I wasn't aware it had happened I wouldn't want to know.

I think about things and methods or harming that I don't do. One of which I did nearly die from before about a year ago.

I swallowed a couple of pieces of metal tonight hoping that may work. I can blame that on something being in the food already.

I am sick and tired!!

 

[absolution]

I hear you hun, I hear ya. Its tiring always wanting to die. But my guess is you just want the pain to stop. Please do tell me if I am wrong. If I am right then i think you should keep fighting for the pain to fade away. I know that you can do it. And I know once you see the good things life has to offer you wont want to die anymore. Try to cling to the good days you have had. :hug:

 

[Stormrider]

Try not to do anything that can harm you more, it's no solution and maybe it will only make you feel worse. Hope you will feel a bit better after you get some rest.

 

[GoldenPsych]

You know what I don't know. I don't know if it's just wanting pain to go away or if I want to die. I am 26, single, living with parents, in a shit load of debt, hiding the depression/self harm from everyone (and know I wont talk to them as will make things worse), struggling with uni work, have very low confidence as of being over weight and covered in scars, feel crap about my past; what I did and what also happened and a whole big heap of other shit. I have also pushed most of my friends away as I don't want to be off loading on them and the time that I did I felt so stupid after I didn't talk to them for over a year and the friendship never recovered from that. I have lots of friends. But I don't have anyone I feel I would want to talk to. I don't know if that's me or if it's I don't have close friendships. They tell me stuff but I don't want to tell them. They ask me how I am and I say "fine, great"! You know, the usual speil that is rolled off.

I know I should look at my life and think I am lucky, after all I have a roof over my head. Yes I am in a shit load of debt but I am being fed and looked after by my parents, but then that lowers my confidence even more as I am not self sufficient and I should be. I am 26 FFS!

I actually feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Clients I work with don't have what I have. I feel bad as they aren't self harming and suicidal with their problems yet here I am. I feel pathetic.

 

[absolution]

Don't feel bad for how you feel. You have every right to feel whatever feelings arise. But I so get what you mean about feeling guilty for it. I do as well for the same reasons. But honestly we all have a right to feel how we feel. You're only 26! things can get better and they will. You just have to stick it out as much as it sucks. We are here for you and if you need to talk you can pm me anytime. <3

 

[solutions]

I empathize a bit. I'm 23 (24 this month), live at home with my parents, cannot take in-class college courses, have withdrawn from all my friends, and spend almost my entire day in bed trying to sleep. The only thing that gives me pleasure is writing poetry, and my father has expressed his frustration with me that I just don't seem to care about anything. I'm not the son he wants--the kind that he can hang out with and do things with, father-son activities and the like. He wants us to go out and share joys. But I just can't fucking get psyched up about anything.

I won't personalize any further than that. I just thought I'd try to relate a little.

 

[debs13]

please dont swallow metal,it made me cry to think of you doing that , people do care , you sound like a deep caring interesting person, i reallly know that feeling .have it myself a lot. for some of us it is not so easy to find a way through life,i found lumps last year and was gutted it wasnt cancer, thought that would be a way out that i coudnt be blamed for. i find life a constant struggle , i found this site tonight while wondering how many tablets would do it , but when i read your post i felt i wanted to show you that you are not alone, please dont hurt your body in this way-you dont deserve that, debs13

 

[Fitzy]

You aren't pathetic!!!!! You know, probably better than most, how depression and suicidal ideation grips people and it isn't about weakness.
What metal did you swallow and is it likely to cause damage? i.e. is it toxic or sharp? It upsets me to think of you doing that. You seem so lonely. SF is (mostly) supportive but is there anyone to give you hugs? Do you hug your parents?
I think that the more you try to supress IT, the more it's going to eat at you. Do you trust your counsellor to understand any of this?
Can the adult you offer any comfort to the child that was you?
Post soon xxxxxxx

 

[GoldenPsych]

I twisted part of a coke can up so it was long and thin. It was reasonably small so I can blame it on being in food or something should anything happen. But I doubt it. I don't feel lonely. Although I have withdrawn from my friends I know they still care and I could go around there and talk to them when ever. Itt's just that I choose not to. I choose to keep it private and I don't want it any other way. I know I have to live with the parents for about another 18months until I will have finished my course and start earning a wage so I can move in to my own place. There is just no way I can afford it at the moment as I only get about £450 a month on the bursary and you are looking at £300 minimum for a room somewhere plus bills etc. It's not as though I can work part time either as I am so bloody busy all the time. My mind is not in the right place to be taking on more.

It's not just those things that are making me feel bad. There just the recent things. I am just so sick of the cycles of this. This is turning in to a long one again. It's been a while this time. Even when I am not in a cycle I still think about suicide methods for when I am bad. I can't keep fighting like this!

 

[dazzle11215]

hi golden i read your blog entry and commented over there. just wanted to let you know i heard you. i think it's better to know, just based on my own experience mind you, nothing scientific. let's keep talking about this.

c