I've never been here before but it's worth the try, I guess. My entire life has been affected by suicide. When I was very young, my father took his own life. 3 years later, his sister took hers. It's always been at the front of my mind as I grew up. Through my teen years, I lost another 3 friends. At 21, I was an embalmer. I saw the self mutilation many times each month. My uncle hung himself not far from where I was working at the time and I made the awful mistake of embalming him and shipping him home to grandma. I am still haunted by his bulging eyes and his tongue clenched in his teeth. 3 years later my closest uncle and friend shot himself on July 4th. If you only knew how it hurts to imagine your loved one's last minutes. 5 years later my step father of 28 years (the same man who often told me what a coward my father was for killing himself) took his own life the day after I had fought with him over the way he was changing. As angry as I was with him, his death was devastating to my family. Last November, my cousin Bill took his life 2 days after Thankgiving Dinner with the family. We had no idea there was a problem. At this point in my life, I figure I would never think so deeply and seriously about taking my own life. The past couple of years has been tough but still never thought of that as an option. I've been sick for about a year now. Various issues and waiting for biopsy results now. I don't feel too optimistic about that. My work has suffered for it and of course financial issues follow missing work and so on. My main motivation for me working the way I normally do was my wife, who suffers from lymphoma. Recently I found out she's cheating, so I've lost that spark. I'm tired of being sick and in pain and running myself into the ground to take care of someone who doesn't want me. I know how horrible a suicide can be on a family. I've been there too many times, but still pre-occupied with finding a way out. I ask God regularly to just take me, but I know better. I don't want to do this, I don't even want to think or feel this way, but it's still there. I'm afraid to tell anybody, I'm embarrassed by it and it scares the hell out of me. Where do I go to get some private help? I can't afford to lose my job or face my family with this crap because I tried to avoid this nightmare. My fear is that I may build the courage to go on and finish the job.