I am exhausted. I know I would be after the weekend... For once I hadn't set my alarm, and I fell asleep early last night, I only woke up after 1pm... and I was still tired... I got up though and got slightly productive... I cleaned my freezer, took a good shower, finally got the dishes that has piled up for days and days (they have been rinsed though)... and I somehow thought I'd feel good about that... Of course, washing the knives I was tempted to harm myself... and I had to use a lot of mental strength to just wash them, wipe them and put them in the drawer. I have 'realized' I am still sick. I have been thinking I was tired, depressed and anxious and that was what kept me so exhausted. The doctor who saw me at the psych ER a couple of weeks ago said I probably had the flu after checking my vitals and for a few days I did try to take care of that. But I'm starting to think I still have it. But... spending most days indoors and a lot of the time in bed I guess I don't notice... It worries me though, if I can't realize I've got flu. It does make sense now though... nausea, loss of appetite, fatigue, getting warm, runny nose, headache and what I thought was food poisoning... that's what the flu always does to me. Today I have the final proof; further loss of hearing. I am already nearly deaf on one ear, and have a bad hearing on the other... this is due to too many ear infections and various procedures to cure them too... the scarring on my eardrums have messed up the pressure inside my ears... and when I'm sick that balance gets even worse... So. I'm sick. It worries me. What else have I been ignoring?? How low can you get emotionally? And I really don't need more excuses to stay in my flat and not go outside... I am trying to work against my anxiety here... trying to come up with reasons to get out. Of course fresh air is good. That's a positive one. Just yeah... I worry myself.