I have a feeling this will be long i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it...What can i say? I was diagnosed manic bipolar with psychotic tendencies when i was 18..before that i was all over the place, promiscuous, drinking/drugging, violent, a thief, liar...oh the list goes on..... i just assumed i was an asshole kid who didnt care about anything. When i was told i had a problem and i could get help i saw a brighter side and thought everything would be better. I was sadly mistaken. Bouncing from psych hospitals to jail, from doctor to doctor, trying every combination of meds they could think of. And all trying to "get better" with no solid insurance. Very difficult. I finally found some free insurance but the negatives of free insurance are extensive. Being on my meds was alright then when the insurance goes away and you have to reapply and reapply get denied here get approved there. Its so inconsistent so were my meds. I know damn well nothing will change without medication but how when bipolar medications are insanely expensive yet HA any controlled substance is either cheap or on the street. The world makes no sense and no one seems to get it. although people understanding is not my biggest issue. My biggest issue is trying to live a stable happy life. Seems completely impossible..it seems like everything is perfect for awhile, meds, job/school, BF, so on....then of course like clockwork everything tumbles and fails....no meds-leads to no job-no BF no...nothing (it seems) Everything seems so pointless, if it always ends up the same. I have attempted suicide a few times, failing im sure do to some subconscious feeling or thought or just got caught (saved they say). Its just like what is the point to keep doing all I can do to help myslef when the outside help i need fails me which in turn makes me fail myself. Been off my meds for about 4 months now....not good. Every day it takes alllllll my willpower to drag myself out of bed. every night it takes everything i have and a repeated thought that people around be will be beyond hurt--to not take that blade and just do it or those pills and never wake up. In the end i usually just end up cutting not deep enough to kill or places no one will see. The past few weeks i was doing okay...then one thing after another everything started failing....i wanted nothing more then to do some horrible self-detroying, cut first get fucked up..idk anything....but i am currently on probation so drugs are out of the question (if i got sentenced to jail there would be no stopping the suicide) and the cutting...i WANT to but DONT...idk...hence the finding of this site and this babbling post. I dont even care if anyone reads it just knowing i can say all this outloud and maybe just maybe someone will see it is comforting enough, for now. I just really dont know what to do anymore. at all. nothing i do seems to work no one seems to care enough or at all. No health insurance is the corn on the shit that is my life. How can i help myself if i cant??? To get help i need medicine to get medicine i need health insurance to get health insurance i need a job to get a job i need medicine!!!!!!!!!! i want so badly to just never wake up ever again....ya know i even thought that since im to scared to caring whatever to kill myself i could get someone else to do it ot even suicide by cop. i think about it a lot all the time everyday. i just want to be normal sane whatever just happy like so many people around me.