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Sick circle that never ends...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HappinessIsFiction, Jan 27, 2010.

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  1. HappinessIsFiction

    HappinessIsFiction New Member

    I have a feeling this will be long i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it...What can i say? I was diagnosed manic bipolar with psychotic tendencies when i was 18..before that i was all over the place, promiscuous, drinking/drugging, violent, a thief, liar...oh the list goes on..... i just assumed i was an asshole kid who didnt care about anything. When i was told i had a problem and i could get help i saw a brighter side and thought everything would be better. I was sadly mistaken. Bouncing from psych hospitals to jail, from doctor to doctor, trying every combination of meds they could think of. And all trying to "get better" with no solid insurance. Very difficult. I finally found some free insurance but the negatives of free insurance are extensive. Being on my meds was alright then when the insurance goes away and you have to reapply and reapply get denied here get approved there. Its so inconsistent so were my meds. I know damn well nothing will change without medication but how when bipolar medications are insanely expensive yet HA any controlled substance is either cheap or on the street. The world makes no sense and no one seems to get it. although people understanding is not my biggest issue. My biggest issue is trying to live a stable happy life. Seems completely impossible..it seems like everything is perfect for awhile, meds, job/school, BF, so on....then of course like clockwork everything tumbles and fails....no meds-leads to no job-no BF no...nothing (it seems) Everything seems so pointless, if it always ends up the same. I have attempted suicide a few times, failing im sure do to some subconscious feeling or thought or just got caught (saved they say). Its just like what is the point to keep doing all I can do to help myslef when the outside help i need fails me which in turn makes me fail myself. Been off my meds for about 4 months now....not good. Every day it takes alllllll my willpower to drag myself out of bed. every night it takes everything i have and a repeated thought that people around be will be beyond hurt--to not take that blade and just do it or those pills and never wake up. In the end i usually just end up cutting not deep enough to kill or places no one will see. The past few weeks i was doing okay...then one thing after another everything started failing....i wanted nothing more then to do some horrible self-detroying, cut first get fucked up..idk anything....but i am currently on probation so drugs are out of the question (if i got sentenced to jail there would be no stopping the suicide) and the cutting...i WANT to but DONT...idk...hence the finding of this site and this babbling post. I dont even care if anyone reads it just knowing i can say all this outloud and maybe just maybe someone will see it is comforting enough, for now. I just really dont know what to do anymore. at all. nothing i do seems to work no one seems to care enough or at all. No health insurance is the corn on the shit that is my life. How can i help myself if i cant??? To get help i need medicine to get medicine i need health insurance to get health insurance i need a job to get a job i need medicine!!!!!!!!!! i want so badly to just never wake up ever again....ya know i even thought that since im to scared to caring whatever to kill myself i could get someone else to do it ot even suicide by cop. i think about it a lot all the time everyday. i just want to be normal sane whatever just happy like so many people around me.
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    wow i sit there and read that and most of it i can relate to all but the being violent. as of fri. i'm getting ready to be put on probation myself although with mine they are possibly going to do it through the mental health center. it's breaking my heart. i can relate that if it came to jail time although for me it would be prison time. and i could go on and on, but i wont at least not right now.

    i want you to know a few things. first off i read every word you had to share. secondly i want to welcome you to the forum. we're really glad that you're here and i know i hope you will continue to share and unload as you feel it helps. and if you'd like to talk more feel free to pm me. i will continue to listen.

    please take care
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I read you thread and want you to know you can vent all you want here.. The members will help support you...I can understand not wanting to go to jail.. Can you call your local mental health ward and find out if there are other options for you?? Have you applied for SSI..It helps if you can get a letter from your doctor and take a copy of it to SSI when you apply..You will probably get turned down at first ,then you get a lawyer who specialises in SSI cases.. You don't have to pay them upfront.. If they win your case they will take there fee out of the back money SSI owes you from applying day 1.. I wish you all the best..
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey glad you are here and you have reached out for support
  5. Indian81

    Indian81 Member

    Yeah .. been there where you are right now .. everything just seems like they are ganging up on you .. I really think the best way out of this for you is to try and somehow get a job .. I am not sure how is the scene with your family but if there is someone who is going to help you then it is you! I know as shitty as everything is looking right now , it is you who has to fight for yourself and for everything that you think has been denied to you. Please keep fighting - Don't give up.
  6. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    probably NOT the best idea to say this but....

    ever hear of the return key or space bar????

    XD sorry i honestly couldn't resist at all however i do have relevance to add if you'll forgive my strange sense of humour
    *and please don't take offence i'm just fooling around and am really very friendly*

    it seems you're a very high strung person and could in fact be also suffering from undiagnosed adhd this to me would also make sense in that you're frustrated and have psychotic episodes

    while i do agree that some medication is needed the inconsistency is definitely NOT good and most people are over medicated and it's no long term solution unless you just want to escape which is a very very tempting thing trust me i know

    have you considered maybe lowering your doses to the bare minimum and seeking a help group in your local area perhaps meet like minded people who share the same issues you have and perhaps could share some wisdom in how to cope with it apart from the medication?

    for example there may be some known relaxation techniques to help with psychotic attacks or deal with whatever symptoms be they hallucination or aural things such as voices *i know that's more schitsophrenia*

    also i'm not sure if you mentioned it but i'm sure you probably don't have a major active social life and may be ostracised by others due to your history and problems but in my personal experience i can tell you it's people like you that make my life just about interesting enough to live in

    so you've anger issues........ big deal we all feel angry your inability to cope is not your fault although it would be the one concern i would have for your well being as anger leads to stress and that's bad for you in general health wise. so please i know you don't know me or owe me jack but for your own sake and so there's at least one interesting person who makes it PLEASE try to get help for it

    to be honest it just seems like you need some friends to listen to you and that's perfectly ok and yeah like you i've got scars that i have to hide from self harming and i'm a highly self destructive person as well hence why i really relate

    i know that from experience it's the not having anyone to just LISTEN to my seemingly crazy ramblings and my inability to bother those i know with my problems or trust those who are close to me in real life that brings me down the most and like you i really do freak out and lose it especially if i drink during those dark times i have to monitor my drinking subconsciously VERY carefully
  7. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    Here's the thing. Life is always going to suck if you let, and even then it's still going to suck from time to time.

    All you can do is try to make yourself happy in the moment; yes, of course there are things to worry about it in the future, but you're just not there yet.

    Right now you just need to work on getting through. Stop, take a deep breath, and do one thing at a time.

    If you can just control yourself long enough to get an keep a stable job, then that seems to be the answer to all your problems.
    It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fun, but sometimes we have to sift through shit before we can find gold.
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