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sick of being sick and tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Jan 6, 2009.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I don't deserve to live this way, nor do my parents deserve to have someone around in my condition..

    I have quit on so much stuff in my life but for some reason I don't want to quit on my life of pain and suffering..

    I always had more health problems then an average person it all went to shit in may-june/2008 I got a bad infection was in a car crash, the infection got worse doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, I was in unbelieveable pain. I even had dental work which spread the infection. I still have bumps inside of my mouth all ont he left side(swollen salivary glands) as well as thickened tissue. as well as some n on and off neurological symptoms on that side ntohing servere but sligtly annoying and it makes me think of the visible damage. Jaw loss too ...

    now I have CFS/ME/CFIDS whatever you want to call it. I'm fatigued in pain and miserable all of the time. I don't want to be rememered this way, unless things get better me killing myself is inevitable. Even though deep down inside I don't want to die. WIth that said not existing is better then suffering 24/7

    On the bright side I talke to someone who had success with ritalin and HGH he switched to wellbutrin later since it was alot easier on his stomach. He said he needed to see a number of specialist before one was willing to work with him, who knows how long that will take for me :(

    Anyways I need to go sleep even though I've only been up for 3 hours it feels like it's been days since I've slept...
  2. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I got really stressed out on vacation in may there was a minor incident I worried myself sick going to sleep my heart was pounding. Finally I got to sleep and then I woke up and within an hour or two my lower lip was burning. I had a horrible sleep that night as well.

    It was quite painful to say the least, when you are stressed you are more prone to infection etc.. even though I had/have peeling lips although their getting better which made them more prone as well...

    That week was hell, it was effecting my thinking too, so I get home and I'm still in pain sorta paranoid too, it's all extremely stressfull I start getting a bit etter with some skin antibiotics. And the paranoia starts to fade away as I feel better..

    The first day I felt somewhat normal again.I have a buddy and this girl over for drinks we go to a club this other girl accuses me of trying to take advantage of her friend she says "rape" which I would never do sure I suggested sex but I consider rape as forcing it just because your both drunk and u want sex and ask her doesn't mean your try to rape someone. ANyways thats besides the point I get upset(yea I get upset too easily even though I know I did no wrong). I leave and end up crashing on an overpass they release me etc. I am frusterated because I don't have my phone or wallet and all the other stuff I have gone through in the past few weeks. I walk in front of a car security car(a few feet outside the emrgency in a parking lot so no I wasn't going to get hit and die it was just a cry for help) and talk some suicical bullshit even though i didn't want to die...

    SO they lock me in this little room my lips are damaged to hell from the liqour which makes it worse, as well as the airbag their all dark blue and peeling very gross. I stress myself out horribly being in there I worry about everything. Why did I leave drunk why would I let that false accusation bother me, why would I walk in front of the securit car in the parking lot, and not just ask to use a phone to call my bro even though he had work early in the morning. In that room the blinds didn't work I couldn't sleep a rock hard bed.. All I did was worry so they finally a nurse came in to talk. I'm too honest for my own good I tell this nurse about the fast few weeks(and bit of backround about my life anxiety smoking weed etc) etc and about this one physcholgist I was seeing who wanted me to quit smoking dope.

    They end up forcing me to be locked up people in the physch ward. Again this is extremely stressful I've been getting horrible sleeps for weeks now. Within a day or two around my mouth starts stinging/burningI put on this cream which is a immunedepressants which I had for around my nose. Bad idea if it was an infection it only made it worse as well as this hydrocortisone cream a immune depressor as well.

    This one crazy guy would literally look at me and just laugh with my damaged lips as well as the burning feeling. It was a extremely stressful experiene to say the least. I also got burning on the sides of my nose as it was extremely allergic in that building.. They would have let me out but my parents went to london the day before I got the DUI and in the crash. THey shouldn't have left me to go see my sister with all that I had been going through as well.

    So I get out and my lower lip is in pain again it feels really bad I start drinking as it goes away while I'm drunk but it comes back when I sober up feeling worse.

    When my parents get back all my physical problems are ignored they just want me to see this physciastrist. They are told it can just be a stress thing although it cleary was an infection....

    The burning stinging etc around my mouth was bad I used hydrocortisone which is a bad idea for an infection like I said earlier its an immundepressants. as well as elidel an immunosuppresants.

    I'm worried it might be something to do with dental work although that makes no sense( i had upper lip swelling and pain years before oddly enough). I was going to go and see if they could remove my fillings a stupid idea and they do some more work on me. It spreads the infection my whole mouth is in pain. When the anesthetic wares off my whole mouth is in pain I would even stick rolled up tissue in there to relieve it.

    Around this time I got the very worst the pain its so severe burning and stinging etc. and I start getting aches and pains all over my body headache, muscles joints, bones, pain in my neck lymph node to name a few..

    I had a doctor in june who didn't know anything just said oh whats that rash around your mouth etc. gave me a referal. THe dentisit didn't know anything but I knew I felt worse and there was swelling in my face from the work(yes the tissue/skin is still swollen although the infection is gone). Even then this stupid physciatrist thought I Just had depression and thought those stupid meds would be the solution. Even though i took them but it didn't do crap for my infection....

    An intergrative doc just gave me supplements which just made things worse who knows maybe the infection fed off them..

    I go to the hospital in so much pain their no help either just gave me a high dose of oral cortisol which made me feel horrible made the pain in my face turn into paplipations.

    Finially I see an ENT doctor in september. and I get on antbiotics and I see some improvement within the first week he gives me more it takes well over a month efore its almost gone. Yet I'm still left with the extreme fatigue(not relieved by sleep, joint pain , muscle pain, tender neck lymph node, pallor, swelling in my facial tissue on that side( a b ad reaction to the anesthetic/infection) CFS gives chemical sensitivities I should note.

    Basically I went through 3 1/2 months of intense pain and stress, which in turn burned out my adrenals's resulting in HPA axis(Hypothalamus Pituatary axis) dysfunction." An abnormally flattened circadian cortisol cycle has been linked with chronic fatigue syndrome (MacHale, 1998), insomnia (Backhaus, 2004) and burnout (Pruessner, 1999)."

    A day long of saliva test samples showed that I have this blunted or flatened cortisol response.

    I know alot of this was just really bad luck, some bad choices, genetic predispostion but thinking if I didn't go out drinking that one night or I didn't get pissed off and just called my bro to pick me up, or if I just shut up and didn't tell them anything. There are so many ways I could have not been in this situation. But I guess I have to accept where I'm at now

    It really sucks, I'll admit I'm somewhat depressed, with that said it's mostly due to my physical problems. Most people with CFS have depression. If you're in chronic pain it's almost enevitiable you will be depressed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2009
  3. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    Hi 2fargone
    I think a feeling of wellbeing comes out of physical and mental health.
    They act on eachother too.
    I guess your body needs time and adequate treatment to regain its health; and you most probably feel mentally better when it happens.
    It's good you accept your actual situation, remorse and thoughts like, it wouldn't have happened if.... are very frustrating and tend to depress you, my own experience.
    Our so called faults, or other's on us,wont be in vaine if they help us deal with other situations with more insight.
    Take good care of you and have faith that you will physically recover and will feel much better
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I do agree mental and physical do affect each other. If your stressed out etc, your more prone to disease and infection. I was reading that if you are sleep deprivied for 24 hours your white blood cell count can be up to 20%.

    I see what your saying about the insight but it's hard to realize right now when I'm suffering so much. I wish I had my old life back but thats a pipedream.

    I'm starting to lose my patience I will get a referal to an endocrinologist but it will take a good 4-6 months to see him hopefully I can get something to help me cope in the meanwhile.

    Thanks for your reply I need to go lie down, I have a cold or the flu on top of my normal sickness. it isn't too pleasant to say the least.
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