sick of being strong

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by poisonedresistance, Jul 20, 2011.

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  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    same shit different day. Everyday is a fucking struggle just to breath. I'm tired of waiting for a life that will never happen.
    Pinning you hopes on a future that simply wont exist.
    I'm sick of scraping by, i'm so drained of being the only one who seems to give a fuck enough to hold it together.
    Fuck this shit, Its killing me. Its tearing me apart inside.
    I want this crap to end. i cant do it anymore
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sounds like you need to get away from all the stress in your life anyway of just getting away for a few days camping get out in nature get away from all the bs where you are hun hugs to you
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Abjure - sorry to see your at your wits end with troubles!

    As for putting a front up for everyone - are the people in your life so unforgiving that they would not want you if you did say you could not help sometimes?

    I'm not sure what commitments you have in life - for some with family and so on it is hard because, maybe you have to care for others and nobody seems to care for you.

    This is a human condition - very common, we all feel it here now and again. Most of us here have nobody to really be open with - otherwise we'd not be here I guess. I mean, feeling how you do - its hard to really tell people.

    You say your drained from holding it together - as if you have people maybe not trying to hold it together leaving you to maybe carry passengers? I recall something you said about this but it escapes me now as its hard to keep up with the details of everyone here. I'm sure I've replied to you before though.

    As for waiting for a life to happen, you have to try and do different things to see what comes out of life. Waiting for life is not like waiting for a bus. A bus will always turn up if you wait - but with life - if we wait to see what happens it might not ever happen! It can pass us by. So try to bear that in mind. We have to do things and get out of the house. For most this means the pub - but they are closed right now - so plan A is gone!

    In the UK - there are lots of things we can do for free. Enjoy them while they last because with the Government we have now - we got to enjoy ourselves before the entire nation is fu**** over to Hell and back - and that's just the foreplay. People in the UK know what I mean.

    You should not put on a front for everyone - you got to be yourself and maybe just hide that private part of you from most people. Tell someone your down - but only people who you KNOW.

    We all know you here - but were a support network I suppose. We can cheer on the sidelines of your life - but you got to be the one living it! We are here for you to vent - so please don't imagine you are totally alone. You came here alone - but you got friends here now!

    I'll add you to my friend list - so I can follow your progress.

    Hope this message makes you feel a bit better at the end than you felt at the start of it.

    Its not your life you want to end - just the life your living. Also with depression we have to be careful that we know this.

    I think you can do it!

    Have you ever actually tried to kill yourself?

    Thanks for reading and I hope you are OK later on after a good sleep.

    Regards to a fellow Englander.
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for replies. total eclipse- i am actually thinking about it, i want to just disappear for a few days and clear my head and even though i know the house will disintegrate without me here, im starting to feel so suffocated and drained by all this i need a way to charge my batteries. ncie to have someone suggest it though :D keeps me mindful there is an escape, even if its just a brief one.
    Most folk around me come to me for the 'answers' if its not that then the one person i could talk to doesn't believe in my anymore anyway.
    im outwardly strong and confident because of all ive been through in life, i learned from an early age that if i roll over and take it, it just keeps coming, if im quiet and stand back i watch mistakes being made and i get walked on. so im loud and make myself heard.
    It has made itself a part of me, which is some ways is good but it also makes me a dumping ground for other people.
    i do deal with a lot of stress and anxiety from those around me and I can often see doors others cant, but its like anything I guess, you can lead a horse to water........
    I am so outwardly strong some have called me an enabler. If it doesn't get done I do it myself regardless of what it is, which let's those around me sit back and not have to do it themselves. I find it hard not to take control though. Im scared of loosing control because last time i lost everything. this time it seems i will if i dont, or possibly even regardless.
    i made a mistake.
    I put my future happiness in someone else's hands, i trusted them and now i know they wernt capable of keeping to anything they said.
    the joke is they have even said to me they are only here cuz they have nowhere else to go,, in my heart i want to believe they will come out the other side and we will start over but in my mind im sick of feeling so used.
    if someone tells you they are using you, surly its time to pull the plug, regardless of the consequences.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate to always being the strong one. It is a crappy hole to fall into. Granted it is fun to lord my strength over the wimps who always come to me.

    May I ask why your life won't change?
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    it will but I have to ruin someone elses in order to do it. i might be strong but im not a cxxx,,,,, im so trapped and fed up with it all.
    funny how i care so much about them yet I know they dont care about me
  7. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I can relate, I've been told I'm strong many times by people who know about all the crap I've been through, they think I'm strong since I'm still alive. Fact is I've attempted suicide many times but never succeeded in any of the times and only twice in my life did someone think I tried to kill myself when I made an attempt, and I've attempted a lot more than two times.
  8. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    ive come so close, its like it burns away a bit of life away from you though,,, i need that grip, that spark its my fight.
    Im just tired,,,,,,, i know where I am at in my life, I know who I am in my life and I know what i want out of life,,,, I try and stay true to that,, sometimes i loose sight of it and it crushes me from within,,,,,
    i need to keep my focus, i can go with the flow and enjoy most aspects of life, perhaps in a different way to most people, but its my way.
    i dont want huge things from life, i just want to get by, enjoy it and cause no harm to others.
    they just clash. so i cant stay true to me in the way that i want to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2011
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I watched the video - quite a decent tune as it happens!

    For me, maybe that's like more of a share. They are singing about rioting and your talking about it.

    Also - being true to yourself is great - and others also. But if your carrying people who should be walking - someone will get hurt in the end!

    I hate that part of life myself - who to be loyal towards and the process of revision that has to happen with some who might take you for granted.

    I don't think its your job to be carrying passengers.

  10. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    it feels different again today, we had a chat last night and it seems to have cleared the air a little but i guess only time will tell.
    ive decided that regardless of what goes off I need to have a life aswell so this weekend im taking the advice at the beginning and going away for the weekend with a friend. maybe it'll help clear my head. Scotlands so peacefull and scenic it will give me a chance to breath, im in good company, a close friend who is just as adventurous as me, hes booked a boat trip around the islands which should be nice and we are camping in Argyle.
    i hope that my partner does jump into life with both feet first and find his drive for it again, I love him and want this to work out, maybe what we need is to go at our different pace of life in our own way for a bit . let us both learn how we draw energy without hurting each other in the process.
    I dont want to hurt him, but i have to draw from life myself. maybe one day he will run fast enough to take off and fly with me,,,,,,,,,, At this point I can only hope.
  11. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I can really relate to what you are saying. I have so many things that I must be strong about and I am just sick of it. I have a job in a restaurant where I have to constantly smile while my heart is being ripped out. I have been the strong one in the past and unwittingly have been used and been the "enabler". Learn from your experience and try to change what is driving you nuts. It is the only way that you will get some peace. People here have given you some great advice. Get away from it all even if it only for a few days. Clear your head, take time for yourself, have a nice meal by yourself or with someone you trust. I hope you have the means to do something for yourself.

    I daily think of ending it all, much for the same reasons you mention. There will be some light at the end of the tunnel, just keep the faith! We are struggling here and need each other for encouragement.

  12. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    is really painful, when we must pretend that we are strenght when that's not true, i suggest you to go to your room from a while, close your eyes take deep breaths and let all out (if you don't want to make noise use your pillow to muffle the sound), believe me it will get you a little better, if not you can PM me i'll listen to you since i was once (i think i'm still) in the same boat as you, what you need right now is to relieve some stress...
    some :hug::hug: for you
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