Sick Of It All

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LindsayWithAnA, Jan 22, 2007.

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  1. LindsayWithAnA

    LindsayWithAnA New Member

    Hi Everybody,

    My name is Lindsay, i'm 19, new to this site, and want to share my story.

    I have been depressed since I can remember. I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally throughout my entire childhood by several family members, which eventually led to deep depression and first going to see a therapist when I was 11.

    It started off as just being depressed. My mother didn't see it, because she didn't want to see it, and my father was no longer in the picture, seeing as he was the main cause of all my issues.

    I first started cutting when I was 13, and that was also the year of my first suicide attempt. Between the ages of 13 and 18 I attempted suicide 7 times, cut myself to stitches more times than I can count, and was hospitalized 5 times.

    The closest I ever came to dying, was in my most recent attempt. <mod edit: bunny - methods> I was parked in an almost empty parking lot, but not empty enough. A woman saw me unconcious and apparently vomiting and shaking. When the ambulance got there, I was nearly dead. The hospital had to give me shots to get my heart beating again, and I was in a coma for almost a week. When I woke up, I was devastated to be alive.

    After that attempt, when I was only 17 the doctor's really didn't think there was much they could do to help me. I began receiving ECT (electro-convulsive shock therapy), and was the youngest person in Connecticut to ever have had it done. For those of you who don't know, it's not like in the old days. Now, you are put to sleep and receive shocks to the brain that cause small seizures which in turn, releases ceratonin (the 'happy' chemical in your body.)

    At first, the treatments seemed to be a success, but soon, everything went back to how it was. They tried all the med's, all the special therapys (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Hypnosis, etc.), and in the end, nothing really helped.

    Like I said, I'm 19 now. I haven't been in the hospital for over a year now. However, I still cut and I still have suicidal ideations all of the time. My mother thinks I'm better and it breaks my heart, and I can't bare to tell her I'm not okay, for fear of that look on her face. I strive to make her proud, and I know that all of my mental health issues have just been a horrible experience for her. Plus, we don't have very good insurance benefits anymore. So, even when I think I should be in the hospital, I know that I can't be because we wouldn't be able to afford it.

    And there are nights like these. It's 4 AM and I haven't slept a wink. I'm sad. I want to die and I feel so helpless. I have had the same therapist for a year and a half now and she is the light of my life. I see her every week, and I wait for that appointment every week, knowing she is waiting for me. Now, she is going on maternity leave and I am left alone, again.

    I can't talk to my friends or my mother or my sister. I'm scared and I'm lost and I just want to be in a place where I know there are people who feel the same way I feel.

    I suffer from manic depression, severe anxiety, borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and dissociative identity disorder (d.i.d. is a fairly new term in the medical world). I take 6 different med's a day and I am left saying, "for what?" To feel like this?

    I'm tired and I'm lonely and ugh....I don't even know how to end this or where to go with it so I'm just going to be done for now.

    Until next time...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2007
  2. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    i know it can feel like we're all alone in the crowd sometimes, im glad youve found us, we'll support you as best we can for as long as you need us :hug:

    im glad you have a therapist you can trust, she will be back from maternity leave eventually, you just have to find other ways to cope until then

    always feel free to PM me :hug:
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hello lindsey,,,

    im so sorry,,, you sound like your in so much pain.

    its so hard, building up the trust to talk to someone and then that one person being torn from you,,,

    i dont know if ill be of much help.... but if you want to talk
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Wow, I know that story was probably not supposed to be inspirational, but it was. You are an amazingly strong person, you have never given up fighting, despite the odds, and you are still here fighting another day. I have so much respect for you.

    I can relate to some of the diagnoses, etc, that you have, and if you ever want to chat then feel free to PM me.

    You are never alone on this site, there is always someone about.

    Somewhere, maybe tomorrow, maybe later today, maybe in a month, or year, you will find a little spark, and even if it only gives you temporary relief from your inner pain, it will be there. Try to keep looking for that little spark, because looking for it can get you through the hardest days.

    Hang in there darling
  5. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Lindsay you are very articulate and your intelligence is apparent. Scum is right, you have beaten back the odds for so long now, and been through so much but you're still hanging in there. Way to go girl! I'm quite a bit older than you (49) but have battled depression all my life. Except when I was growing up and a young adult, you just didn't talk about mental issues so I suffered in silence. Finally when I was 30 I had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with depression.

    This may sound corny, but have you ever thought of taking up a hobby? I had never sewn so much as a button on but 4 years ago I decided I wanted to learn how to make quilts so I took a 4 week quilting class. Since then I have made about 30 quilts and am still at it. It did a lot for my self esteem, to look at something beautiful and know I had made it. Also it filled hours that would have otherwise been just the usual boredom. You sound like a strong person. You have lots of new friends here. You can PM me anytime!
  6. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    For someone to be diagnosed and deal with as many problems as you have takes courage beyond words.As to a hobby...i think that is a great idea.It is one of those things that may help alleviate the stress your feeling.I didnt discover that untill 5 years ago and it has helped alot since ( i paint modle soldiers etc :).Give something a try it may just be what the doctor ordered.
  7. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    Like all the others have said you have shown great courage and strength to get to the place you are now, even if it feels like it's still a really crap place to be.

    I'm so sorry you have been through all that pain in your childhood and that the effects are still haunting you, i wish there were more than words of support that i could offer you.

    It's so hard to tell those you care about and who care about you that you're really struggling, but i'm sure that they would want to support you and be there for you. this site is a great place for finding support and comfort, i hope that you find what you need here and that it helps you to make it through each day.

    take care
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