I consider myself to be a reasonable person for the most part. I know, and have known, that I am not happy with my life. The turning point was when of my friends was murdered; I decided I should stop abusing drugs and get away everything around me and I moved to California. That was two years ago. I had this idea of a new start, a new life in California... it was all bullshit. I told myself I would do so many things differently. That I could start over. It wasn't true. It could have been that way but I was (am) to weak of a person to make it come true. I can't bring myself to do anything for myself. I always ensure other people's well being over my own. And what does it get me? I'm sure you already know... a face full of shit. I am extremely considerate of other people.. even those who don't deserve it. This is a part of who I am and how I was raised; I can't change that. I'm very fortunate to have people that care for me so much, particularly my parents. They have to the greatest people I have ever known. My family means so much to me. I'm sick of putting up this front like everything is ok... cause its not. It kills me to pretend to be someone I'm not infront of my family. My parents DESERVE to have the best son in the world but what do they get... me, someone who just spends their money and wastes away like a piece of shit. I'm so sick of society. What on God's green earth makes you or the next person any better than me? The fact that your able to acknowledge the fact that your better? Well fuck you, if you think that way I guess you deserve to feel good about yourself. I'm fucking sick of people going around 1-uping each other... fucking social status bullshit. Maybe if someone took the time to learn who I am they'd realize that I was worth knowing. But who wants to friends with a socially awkward piece of shit anyway. I wasn't always this way ... I used to have LOTS of friends, even a girlfriend. I used to go out to parties every weekend. Parties with attractive girls, kegs of beer and drunken debauchery by the handfuls. But things have changed over the years as have I. Over the past several years I've developed a social anxiety problem. Its there even around people I know. I can't sit/stand comfortably around other people. It drives me CRAZY. Being around people makes me uncomfortable... and so I seclude myself from everyone. But what is life without other people... can you even call that life? Its shit... not even worth living. Lemme guess? Theres help, right? Fuck that; theres no help, not for me. I've seen therapists, read books, taken medication... maybe that works for you but NONE of that shit helped me... the only person that can help me is myself and yet, I'm too unwilling and too lazy to do anything about it. So what else is there left... a lifetime of feeling uncomfortable or a lifetime of loneliness. Know what, I say fuck em both. My life is not worth living.... I've come to this crossroad before and I woke up in the hospital. Lets see where it takes me this time.