Sick of it ALL

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadsoul, Oct 16, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. sadsoul

    sadsoul Member

    I consider myself to be a reasonable person for the most part. I know, and have known, that I am not happy with my life. The turning point was when of my friends was murdered; I decided I should stop abusing drugs and get away everything around me and I moved to California.

    That was two years ago. I had this idea of a new start, a new life in California... it was all bullshit. I told myself I would do so many things differently. That I could start over. It wasn't true. It could have been that way but I was (am) to weak of a person to make it come true. I can't bring myself to do anything for myself.

    I always ensure other people's well being over my own. And what does it get me? I'm sure you already know... a face full of shit. I am extremely considerate of other people.. even those who don't deserve it. This is a part of who I am and how I was raised; I can't change that. I'm very fortunate to have people that care for me so much, particularly my parents. They have to the greatest people I have ever known. My family means so much to me. I'm sick of putting up this front like everything is ok... cause its not. It kills me to pretend to be someone I'm not infront of my family. My parents DESERVE to have the best son in the world but what do they get... me, someone who just spends their money and wastes away like a piece of shit.

    I'm so sick of society. What on God's green earth makes you or the next person any better than me? The fact that your able to acknowledge the fact that your better? Well fuck you, if you think that way I guess you deserve to feel good about yourself. I'm fucking sick of people going around 1-uping each other... fucking social status bullshit. Maybe if someone took the time to learn who I am they'd realize that I was worth knowing. But who wants to friends with a socially awkward piece of shit anyway. I wasn't always this way ... I used to have LOTS of friends, even a girlfriend. I used to go out to parties every weekend. Parties with attractive girls, kegs of beer and drunken debauchery by the handfuls. But things have changed over the years as have I.

    Over the past several years I've developed a social anxiety problem. Its there even around people I know. I can't sit/stand comfortably around other people. It drives me CRAZY. Being around people makes me uncomfortable... and so I seclude myself from everyone. But what is life without other people... can you even call that life? Its shit... not even worth living. Lemme guess? Theres help, right? Fuck that; theres no help, not for me. I've seen therapists, read books, taken medication... maybe that works for you but NONE of that shit helped me... the only person that can help me is myself and yet, I'm too unwilling and too lazy to do anything about it. So what else is there left... a lifetime of feeling uncomfortable or a lifetime of loneliness. Know what, I say fuck em both. My life is not worth living.... I've come to this crossroad before and I woke up in the hospital. Lets see where it takes me this time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The problem with social anxiety seems to be the more you cut yourself off the more you feel anxious in company = vicious circle.
    There is help hun but it takes some effort on your part to get back into the swing of things. It maybe that you never feel completely comfortable in crowds or with strangers, but hang on tight to friends you make, friends can help you not be so isloated.
    When isolated your head tends to concentrate all the negatives of life. :hug:
  3. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i get shoved into situations that always make me uncomfortable, they still do to an extent but not as badly as they used to. i guess if you throw yourself into situations you have no other option but to adapt. you definately shouldnt cut yourself off from friends. you can find a middle ground where its not so uncomfortable and you arent too lonely.
  4. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    on another day I might have said the exact same thing other then lots of friends, girlfriend or parties.
    the probelm for me is I don't have anything I care about enough to help myself get better.
    On my good days sometimes I try to find a reson to care about anything and the best I have so far is when I make something like music or wright a story.
    unlike most people I've talked to here they aren't emotional outlets for me, I get a feeling of acomplishment when I'm done like maybe someone that feels the same as me will see or hear them someday and it will help some.
    hope that helps.
  5. nogood4no1

    nogood4no1 Member

    I can't tell you much I can relate to your social anxiety. I has destroyed my life. I have no friends at all and ones I try to make I can't keep because my anxiety is so bad and I get so nervous my mind goes blank and I get so scared and shakey I can't keep anyone in my life. I too have tried so many medications and have a lot of therapists (all of which were pointless). I keep hearing to get help - but how? when you've tried everything and nothing seems to work.

    If I do go out, I have to be very drunk before I can handle social situations and many times that doesn't even work - it just makes it tolerable. OH HOW I DONT WANT to be like this anymore. What's the point of life if it's just you against the world. I hope someday there will be a medication out there that really does help with social anxiety - right now nothing has worked for me - nothing probably ever will.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.