I'm just palin sick of life. It feels like it's never going to get easier. When I was younger I struggled and I always knew I was different and I told my parents so and they ignored me and said I was fine.(I was diagnosed as bi polar and with having OCD and social anxiety disorder at 18) As I got older I made poor choices and was a really terrible angry person in general. I got pregnant when I was 15 and kept my baby and I felt good about that choice but I still continued to struggle. In my 9th month of pregnancy I started getting numb spots and the doctor told me it was a pinched nerve. After I had the baby it didn't go away, infact it spread and kept spreading until almost my whole body felt like the freezing was starting to come out when you go to the dentist. I went back to the doctor and ended up having an MRI. The results were normal. My symptoms stayed the same for years and I stopped thinking about it. When I was 18 I got married and continued my family. As soon as I got married everything changed, my husband turned out to be someone I didn't even know. He was jealouse, controlling and abusive mentally, emotionally and sexually. We broke up repeatedly but the guilt over ending my marriage and the lonlieness always got to me and I kept going back. After my 4th and last baby was born and I was seperated yet again I started having trouble swallowing and my muscles were so tight all the time that I could barely move, sometimes I couldn't turn my head. At times I couldn't walk because my toes or feet would go numb. I went back to the doctor and ended up having another MRI which showed damage in my brain consistent with MS but not severe enough for a diagnosis. At the time I was dating someone I truly love and respect but when things got serious I panicked and ran back to the hell I knew with my husband. I felt at least I couldn't screw things up to the point where we hate each other with the person I care about so much if I'm not with him. I ended up moving around with my husband, he was never content. He had already had an affair and our marriage was rocky. I moved again for him and on the way I found a picture of a naked girl. After everything else, all the constant crisis I had thought maybe we would be ok but no. I had forgiven so many things but the naked picture was my last straw. I left him for good that day and ended up alone with my 4 children in an unfamillioar city. I don't drive and I didn't know anyone except a friend that was living with me. I thought my life was over, how could I support 4 kids? Would I be alone forever? WHo would want me? I have 4 kids and no education past high school. I'm a very intelligent person and yet I felt like stereotypical white trash. For a few days I could barely manage getting out of bed, I cried for hours and wondered if I was going to have a total break down but I managed to crawl out of it. I got things together and I started feeling hopeful until I broke out in sores on my genitals. I discovered days later that my ex had given me herpes. Again I felt worthless but I managed to deal with it. I ended up having to move back in with my parents because all the bills from my marriage were in my name, so I had to pay them somehow. Now I live at home with my 4 kids and there is no hope in sight for my own place or any further education at the moment. Today I took my road test so I could get my drivers license and have a little more freedom. My parents live out of town so I'm very isolated. I thought at least with my license I could get out more. Well I failied in my first 5 minutes. Not because I can't drive but because I was so nervous. I panicked and I couldn't stop shaking. I can't even pass a road test! WHat is the point anymore. I'm so tired, emotionally and mentally and even physically from struggling for so long. I'm sick of it I just want it to end. I know a road test seems so silly to be upset over but it's so much more. I've failied at almost everything I've ever done. I'm the black sheep in my family. Everyone else is successful and I just can't seem to get ahead no matter how good my intentions are or how hard I work. I'm the family disapointment and I feel like if I can't do anything right I'm bound to fail my kids as well. J.