Sick of it all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jenova, Sep 6, 2006.

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  1. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I'm just palin sick of life. It feels like it's never going to get easier.

    When I was younger I struggled and I always knew I was different and I told my parents so and they ignored me and said I was fine.(I was diagnosed as bi polar and with having OCD and social anxiety disorder at 18) As I got older I made poor choices and was a really terrible angry person in general. I got pregnant when I was 15 and kept my baby and I felt good about that choice but I still continued to struggle. In my 9th month of pregnancy I started getting numb spots and the doctor told me it was a pinched nerve. After I had the baby it didn't go away, infact it spread and kept spreading until almost my whole body felt like the freezing was starting to come out when you go to the dentist. I went back to the doctor and ended up having an MRI. The results were normal. My symptoms stayed the same for years and I stopped thinking about it. When I was 18 I got married and continued my family. As soon as I got married everything changed, my husband turned out to be someone I didn't even know. He was jealouse, controlling and abusive mentally, emotionally and sexually. We broke up repeatedly but the guilt over ending my marriage and the lonlieness always got to me and I kept going back. After my 4th and last baby was born and I was seperated yet again I started having trouble swallowing and my muscles were so tight all the time that I could barely move, sometimes I couldn't turn my head. At times I couldn't walk because my toes or feet would go numb. I went back to the doctor and ended up having another MRI which showed damage in my brain consistent with MS but not severe enough for a diagnosis.

    At the time I was dating someone I truly love and respect but when things got serious I panicked and ran back to the hell I knew with my husband. I felt at least I couldn't screw things up to the point where we hate each other with the person I care about so much if I'm not with him.

    I ended up moving around with my husband, he was never content. He had already had an affair and our marriage was rocky. I moved again for him and on the way I found a picture of a naked girl. After everything else, all the constant crisis I had thought maybe we would be ok but no. I had forgiven so many things but the naked picture was my last straw. I left him for good that day and ended up alone with my 4 children in an unfamillioar city. I don't drive and I didn't know anyone except a friend that was living with me.

    I thought my life was over, how could I support 4 kids? Would I be alone forever? WHo would want me? I have 4 kids and no education past high school. I'm a very intelligent person and yet I felt like stereotypical white trash.

    For a few days I could barely manage getting out of bed, I cried for hours and wondered if I was going to have a total break down but I managed to crawl out of it. I got things together and I started feeling hopeful until I broke out in sores on my genitals. I discovered days later that my ex had given me herpes.
    Again I felt worthless but I managed to deal with it.

    I ended up having to move back in with my parents because all the bills from my marriage were in my name, so I had to pay them somehow. Now I live at home with my 4 kids and there is no hope in sight for my own place or any further education at the moment.

    Today I took my road test so I could get my drivers license and have a little more freedom. My parents live out of town so I'm very isolated. I thought at least with my license I could get out more. Well I failied in my first 5 minutes. Not because I can't drive but because I was so nervous. I panicked and I couldn't stop shaking.

    I can't even pass a road test!
    WHat is the point anymore.
    I'm so tired, emotionally and mentally and even physically from struggling for so long. I'm sick of it I just want it to end.
    I know a road test seems so silly to be upset over but it's so much more. I've failied at almost everything I've ever done. I'm the black sheep in my family. Everyone else is successful and I just can't seem to get ahead no matter how good my intentions are or how hard I work. I'm the family disapointment and I feel like if I can't do anything right I'm bound to fail my kids as well.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi J and welcome...I also failed my road test the first time...I thought I did everything right, worn the shortest skirt (I was 16) put on my makeup and turned the radio to 'old folks' music...what I forgot to concentrate on was driving...hit 2 garbage pails and nearly killed someone crossing the street...yes, I did pass on the 2nd try and now like the 'old folks' music...nothing is written in can get back on the proverbial horse and pass your road test, take courses online toward a degree, and figure out where to go from here...glad you have the bravery to leave your abusive relationship and warrant that you deserve better, which you do...please know we are here, and you are not alone...PM me if I can help in anyway...big hugs, Jackie
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    Firstly welcome to the forums, and i hope you find the support you need here

    Im glad that your saw you ex for what he really is, i think you've done whats best for you and your kids. Kids can become very unstable when growing up in abusive household ( i know to well about that ) and im glad you saw it was best for you and them to leave him, so well done for that.

    Your kids will love you for you, not for what you can give them. And im sure you will find a way to support them financially. And im sure you will find happiness in life, many men will love you for you, and will not be put off by your kids, many men realise that if they want the person then they have tp accept the kids aswell. My mum raised 3 kids by her own, and found happiness with my now step-dad, he allways had a son from a previous marraige, so you see you can find happiness, you've just find it.

    Im sure your family dont see you in that way, they know that you've been thru a rough time, and their supporting you thru this difficult time, must show they love you for you.

    As for the driving test, dont worry about it, its very common to fail on your first, of course your going to be nervous, most people are. Go out there and tak ethe test again, at least this time you know what to exspect because you tried it before. Many people become nervous when taking a driving test because they dont know what to exspect but you do so it should be alot easier the next time, just block out what happened the first time, and tell yourself you are gonna pass for your kids, for you to get your life back on track and have some freedom.

    take care of yourself

    vikki x

    ps. feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmm... well no comment on the kid thing....

    But as far as being the black sheep. I am there as well, I have 2 sisters who are success producing machines. They both get fantastic grades in high school and lead very normal social happy lives. This, in my moms world, = successful people. Me on the other had I have never had great grades. I had friends I have never been very athletic I have never been a miniature male copy of my mom. And I get yelled at for it. So... just get away from that happiness that is not yours.

    Walk run take the bus do whatever GET AWAY!!!! While this might, most likely in my opinion, make life better. It should ease the pain of always being under your siblings..... I cannot say anything else if I don't want to violate this groups rules.
  5. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I think I'll always be under my siblings. Nothing I ever do is right. After I got married and I planned my 2nd baby I was to excited to find out I was pregnant. I was thrilled and I told my parents expecting a congrats and they said "Well I guess there's nothing you can do about it now, but your not going to have anymore are you?". I know that when my sister and brother have children it's going to be a big deal, everyone is going to be excited and happy.

    I actually did really well in school, I was an honors student regardless of all the troubles I had. My family just never really recognized it. I graduated a year early and I was struggling to get loans to go to school. My parents wouldn't help me figure it out. My dad just said to me "You know, some people just aren't cut out for school." They have NEVER said anything like that to my siblings. Infact if my sister and brother had opted against post secondary my parents would have been really upset.

    I can't please my family. It's not that they don't love me, they just don't think much of me and they never have. I can't blame them though, regardless of my intelligence I've failed at everything I've ever done.

  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well that bites.... I was like that... kind of still am now. My parents figured out that I will not be a part of their lives beyond college unless I HAVE TOO!!!! So my mom is trying to get me back by showing all of her support and stuff she should have done the past 21 years of my life. My dad... well he just does not care so neither do I... since I have no sexual exploits to talk about since I place sexual intercourse on an emotional level, or so I think, and not on a physical pleasure level... yeah I lost him on the day 2 years ago when I had to TELL him I was a virgin... anyway ranting.....

    But yeah I know what it is like to not have my parents approval..... I would like to encourage you... <mod edit: moonstar89 - encouraging suicide> It will be very hard work to get a stable life back, mainly because you have offspring.

    So ummm.... yeah you have offspring... and you don't like your family... so stay alive so that they will not have to go live with your family. Because I have noticed that if your parent thinks less of you they think less of any living thing connected to you.... especially genetic extensions of yourself....
  7. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    The only thing that keeps me alive is knowing that if I die they will go and live with their father. He's totally incapable of caring for them on his own, he couldn't even stand visiting with them for 2 weeks (with a nanny) after not seeing them at all for months. I wouldn't mind them living with my family, at least they would be well cared for. My parents aren't bad people they just don't understand and they never will. I've tried talking my ex into allowing the children to be kept my my parents if I die and he refuses. Maybe one day he'll have a good wife.

  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm yeah I forgot you have an Ex.... oh well... I have tried to dump myself off on my dad once. 2 years and he barely managed. So I guess it is a good thing. Some parents just do not understand their kids period. My mom and dad will never understand me so they will never be close to me that is just how it is. <mod edit: bunny - unsupportive and insulting>

    I don't know what else to say, we could have more conversations elsewhere but I am under moderation so we cannot have them here. Just keep whatever reason you have in perspective and you will remain alive.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2006
  9. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm starting to regain hope although sometimes I wonder if I should waste time with hope at all. What I really need is to change meds I think. I've been on paxil for years but it's just not doing it anymore. I'm manic depressive with OCD and social anxiety. When my anxiety gets out of control my moods get more crazy than usual and I just can't cope. I've always just treated my anxiety because it used to lessen my mood swings enough but not anymore.

  10. blub

    blub Guest

    Glad you're feeling a bit better, don't loose the hope. I personally don't believe in meds, but I never tried it either. I always think of other solutions. Like maybe before you do your road test for the 2nd time, go have fun with your kids. Noticing them and yourself happy might loose some of your worries. I don't know if it works, but having fun is a good med.
    Take care and good luck
  11. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    Without medication I can barely leave the house because I get so anxious about everything around me. It's horrible.
  12. blub

    blub Guest

    Sorry to hear that :hug:
    but I believe in you.
    I know you can pass it.
    I think you are a really strong person
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