Im am absolutley fed up with life and every single little detail to do with it. My parents are so fucking controlling and blame all troubles on me and its not going to last much longer. THe only reason i am not already 10 fucking feet underground is because i cared for them too much to hurt them with my death but that thought is now gone. If there is a reason to live, if any, i think it is to enjoy life in the moment, but even that privelage has been taken away from me by my parents so now there is no point. Ive been close to suicide before, but always had a reason to take a step back and think about it, but now, i cant find one. Im writing this and searching the internet in hope of a reason not to kill myself, but its like searching for a fire in the ocean, it doesnt exist. And fuck parents and friends, they couldnt have done anything to help, this has been a long time coming. I know i should think of them first and not hurt them, but the pain i suffer every second of my life is too much to handle, i cant keep living with this just to stop others from feeling a little upset for a few days. Ive always been a caring person, but i just cant do it anymore, it is too much for me. Ive worked it out now, im no longer afraid of death, even if i am staring it right in the face. If death was the difference between me and anyone else, id be happy to take the plunge. Even if it meant only a slap on the cheek for the other person id be happy to dive into the deeps of hell, because hell would be better than my life is at the moment. I would join the army, but that might mean i happen to save the life of some miserable soul like me that is hoping, just hoping that death is only around the corner. And if that were me on the other end, the person that could feel death tugging at my feet and someone saved me, i would have regret for any thought of killing myself for the rest of my life, so i cant put someone through that, it would be 'inhumane' to resist death because you were saved from it. So, as my thoughts leak onto this page, one little page out of millions on the internet, maybe some other soul with something to live for out there will hear my cries and think they can save me, but they are wrong. You are wrong for trying to think you can save me. I am only writing this to pass time before my final hour comes... Hoping maybe that someone will love me, so i can have the feeling of being worthwhile and not suffering before i am forever gone, that is a nice prospect. I would give anything to live just one moment of bliss again, one moment of having that feeling of love, but i cant wait any longer. But who the fuck cares, im just a lonley, newly-single 17 year old living in some corner of the earth feeling sorry for himself, waiting for death like a retiree in a nursing home. I wonder if i will be remembered? by who though, or rather who will ever take the effort to remember me, its not probably worth it. Ive already tried to kill myself a few times. Each time thinking how the hell did I survive... Turns out hospitals are actually good for something, although I wish they weren't. Why must it be so hard to grab death when I am so close? And (stupid question) why won't people let me just be how I want to be? Why did someone have to find my passed out on a playground slide at 1am? So I thought I would be dead today, but unfortunately I was wrong. Hopefully next time I may be so lucky. But my next attempt will be one i dont have to be left wondering how the hell did i survive... Each time i have made it clean, a neat suicide but that always leaves the door open for faliure. But, what if that didnt matter anymore, if the whole aspect of being neat and clean was irrelevant. Thats what will make this attempt so much easier for me. Im just left wondering how many times ill be able to enjoy plunging a knife into my pitiful body, giving hit after hit to my hopeless life before i cant anymore. Hopefully this will be more successful rather than just an attempt. What's the point of falling in love if I can't love myself? That's a good question I can find an answer to... Maybe so that I can come under the illusion that love is apparent in my life, but then again we shouldn't fall in love because everything that falls gets broken. My last girlfriend was a heartless girl. Took advantage of me and did nothing in return. Although she was my first so I knew no better, whereas I was her ninth, and maybe just another guy to her. I saw a quote that said if someone is heartless it's because they cared too much once before. Maybe this is what happened to her. She says her boyfriend before me was nothing but trouble. So now will I become a heartless, hopeless, meaningless life? I did care too much for her and got nothing in return. Why is this the main point urging me towards death though? The thing telling me I'd feel better when I'm feeling nothing at all. I don't know is the answer, neither do the countless number of psycologists, phsyciatrists or gp's that have tried to crack my case. But I think I have worked it out finally. There is no answer. I was put on this earth to discover that one simple fact, to merely pass time until it clicked in my head. To rescue others from boredom for 17 years, but at the same time create distress and heartache. It took a while, but I finally convinced my psycologists that I am at no suicidal risk. That was hard. They don't budge easily when they have hard evidence that I'm most likely to kill myself the next chance I get. So now that im not under watch 24 hours per day, I can finally pull it off when no one knows. My train of thought changes a lot. Now I can't help but think about the times we were happy, the times we wanted to be together forever and wanted nothing but eachother. Those times were the easiest, I still wanted to die, but not as much as I do now, not near as much. I remember the time it started to all go bad, the time I noticed her giving up, the time she broke up with me by telling one of her friends right infront of my face that me and her were just 'friends'. I died at that moment, that's when my reason to live became completely diminished. I know i would find someone else one day, but i honestly cannot wait for that, I am too tired of hurting i cant take it anymore. That is the thing driving me towards death, that i cant care for someone anymore, i cant love and be loved in return, thats the greatest thing to learn in life (mouilon rouge fantastic movie). But when i do kill myself, the person that is meant for me may not ever find someone, and if I am destined to love and be loved in return by this person, that is just another i have dissappointed. Im sick of dissapointing people but i cant when im dead. I just want someone to love now. That is all i desire. The one thing i want in the world so i can feel the bliss of love once more. But ive already accepted that i cant. My last girlfriend showed me that will never be found again. But shes gone now, that's over now, it's all gone, that's all there is, there isn't anymore. So fuck my stupid pitiful life, I don't know why I even am writing this. I get kicks off it maybe, jotting down my thoughts so others can see what a hopeless case sounds like. My life will end one day, why wait?