Sick of pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notsaying, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. notsaying

    notsaying New Member

    I've been on an invalids benefit since October and I hate it. Before this I was looking at buying a house and doing things that actually meant something (I worked for Greenpeace full time and was a girl guide leader). Now I can't even afford to pay my rent and the welfare office is asking me why I need a car. They completely miss the point that I bought it almost a year before I got sick, when I was earning around $45k a year, and the payments won't stop if I sell it because I can't sell it for enough to cover what's left to pay on it with the market so flooded with repos. Besides, I never intended to be sick for very long and I figured I'd need it for my job when I finally got to go back to it. I'm not working only because my doctor won't let me and yet every time I need to ask for help because I can't afford to buy food or pay my power bill or buy my subsidised pain medications they make me feel like a criminal. I've been paying tax for over half my life so that other people don't end up homeless and now that I need help I'm made to feel like utter dirt. I'm 27 and I have some pretty intense tertiary education under my belt. I am not this trashy criminal beggar they are making me feel like. I live in a country that prides itself on taking care of the needy. Somehow the idiot living downstairs get more money than me and he's on the unemployment benefit! Proud of it too. He's always bragging about how he's never worked a day in his life and the government pays him to stay drunk and stoned 24/7. You know, the kind of guy who's idea of good advice is "Keep your expectations low, that way you're never disappointed".

    Now they tell me it might be cancer and I can't go back to work for at least another six months, probably longer. Two days later they tell me they're cutting my benefit, which already doesn't cover the bills, by more than $50 a week. The bills being $160 a week for rent, power and phone (which I need in case I collapse or something... There's a written thing about it from my doctor), $85 for my car, usually around $50-$70 for doctor's bills and prescriptions, and food. After the cut I'm getting $240 a week. I've already moved to cheaper accommodation, out of the home I'd had for 5 years, because they said the rent was too high. I've already used up my house deposit and savings on covering the weekly shortfall up to this point.

    Oh, and it turns out that my last stay in ward 2 gave me an added bonus. I appear to have contracted a super bug that can cause flesh to turn necrotic. Thank you so much Nurse Can't-be-arsed-changing-my-gloves.

    I've worked it out. I have < Mod Edit Hazel: Methods > in the house at the moment (and it's straight codeine, not mixed with anything). I also have a bottle of "anti-nausea" medication that doesn't actually stop me from being nauseous but does seem to make vomiting a physical impossibility. It seems like that would be so much easier than watching my life turn into this hell. I have spent the last couple of hours researching side effects and a mere < Mod Edit Hazel: Methods > I have would be more than enough to make it all stop. Apparently I'll simply go to sleep and never wake up.

    The only problem is I'm scared it won't work. I don't like pain, and I'm in enough already. I can't even call a counseling hotline. Mum works there. It would be just my luck to get her.

    I can't even cry any more.

    The worst part about all of this is my parents are both fully qualified psych nurses. I grew up with all this shit all around me. I'm not a coward and I don't want to take a coward's way out. But I just don't feel like I can cope any more. Every day is a fight with pain, then the stress of the finances is awful and the shame of the whole thing....

    I feel horrible even thinking this crap. My boyfriend's in my room sleeping. I can hear him snoring. He's been so fantastic even though I've been so sick the entire time he's known me. It's not fair to him, any of it. I wish I'd never met him, just because it would mean he wouldn't have to put up with all of this and put on a brave face all the time and have so little attention for himself. I think he'd be better off if we'd never met.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2010
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through so much, it is truly incredible and I just wanted you to know if you need a friend I am here for you.

    You are right the government can be so in humane and they are treating you alike a number not a the kind individual you are, I am sorry. I hope that you can find some love, compassion and caring here, you sure could use some and certainly deserve it.

    Did it help it all to talk about it just now? That is one good trick, get it all out! We here understand and we don't judge so please know you are among kindred spirits that want only to support you and reach out and give of what we have.

    You can PM me any time that you would like, you seem so kind and good friends are always good to have.

    Please don't hurt yourself or anything, I know this is a rough time but you are a wonderful person I can tell from you post and we need more like you in this world.

    Please take care of your self, be gentle with you and know you have found a haven for your heart here at SF.

    Love Bambi
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad to see you reaching out here for some support here It is hard even though you do have parents in the field because they are still your parents. I hope you have support systems in place outside your parents so you can talk more openly with a professional take care okay stay safe
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