tired of having no emotional control
things will be leveled off, calm - then i get punched in the gut
first morning in almost 2 weeks that i've been able to almost breathe normally - should be relieved - but as i leave the train to make the last walk to work the weight of my lonliness collapses on top of me - couldn't do anything but stand there, crying, realizing how insignificant i am, how this will never change
makes me wonder what the point is to trying to get healthy if this is all i have
every time i go to the doctor i secretly hope that he'll find something fatally wrong with me - not for the attention, for the relief, for knowing that it's almost over, for knowing that people would "understand" at some level if i took my own life
how wrong is that
now i sit in this huge office space, the only sound is me typing - i'm the only one here - even when everyone finally arrives, i'll be the only one here - when i leave for home, i'll be the only one on the train
that last is not totally true - last two days a lot of people have been talking to me - telling me to stop coughing, stop clearing my throat, they don't want to get sick - doesn't matter that i'm not contagious, that i have to go to work just like they do - i'm only noticed for the inconvenience i put them through - not even an "are you ok" or an offer of a cough drop
i know people think i'm a drama queen - if you met me, you'd see that's not what i'm like in person - of course that's a catch 22 - not very good at meeting people, don't want people to see how pathetic i am - but words are sometimes very difficult for me and i end up falling back on triteness and hyperbole because i can't find a better way - don't think i can't hear how ridiculous it sounds
this is the only voice i have
and even i hate it
things will be leveled off, calm - then i get punched in the gut
first morning in almost 2 weeks that i've been able to almost breathe normally - should be relieved - but as i leave the train to make the last walk to work the weight of my lonliness collapses on top of me - couldn't do anything but stand there, crying, realizing how insignificant i am, how this will never change
makes me wonder what the point is to trying to get healthy if this is all i have
every time i go to the doctor i secretly hope that he'll find something fatally wrong with me - not for the attention, for the relief, for knowing that it's almost over, for knowing that people would "understand" at some level if i took my own life
how wrong is that
now i sit in this huge office space, the only sound is me typing - i'm the only one here - even when everyone finally arrives, i'll be the only one here - when i leave for home, i'll be the only one on the train
that last is not totally true - last two days a lot of people have been talking to me - telling me to stop coughing, stop clearing my throat, they don't want to get sick - doesn't matter that i'm not contagious, that i have to go to work just like they do - i'm only noticed for the inconvenience i put them through - not even an "are you ok" or an offer of a cough drop
i know people think i'm a drama queen - if you met me, you'd see that's not what i'm like in person - of course that's a catch 22 - not very good at meeting people, don't want people to see how pathetic i am - but words are sometimes very difficult for me and i end up falling back on triteness and hyperbole because i can't find a better way - don't think i can't hear how ridiculous it sounds
this is the only voice i have
and even i hate it
