Sick of this, sick of myself

Well, now that my addiction to MMORPGs is over I'm just rapidly spiraling downwards. For over 12 years they were all that was keeping me distracted from my overwhelming depression. Now all day all I can think about is how much I hate myself.

I have many mental problems; my only diagnosis's are major depressive disorder and Asperger's Syndrome, but there is so much more wrong with my head. Just a few days ago I found out there's actually a name for one of my problems - akathisia. Doctors are so useless, all they can do is fling random medication in your direction and lie about their invasive treatments (80% success rate on ECT my ass).

I can't even do simple stuff. I already took all the easy courses I could find at college, ended up dropping out of my last four because they quickly became too difficult and I can never keep up with everyone else. Watching TV reminds me of how dumb I am; I can't follow the more adult stuff so I can only watch simple shows that are pathetically easy even for a child to understand. I have my driver's license, but can't drive without someone giving me precise orders on where to go and what to do. Can't even shave without my parents' help because I just cut myself all over.

There's just too much I'm completely incapable of, and even then I have no dreams, no drive, no ability to commit to anything. All I can do is wait for my life to expire. Been on a few dozen medications (stopped after I was told I've been on everything that was currently out there), on my 7th therapist, had electroconvulsive therapy, even saw a hypnotist. The way I see it, suicide is just nature's self-destruct mechanism for when you're trapped with no way out. Just wish I was smart enough to do the research for it; from everything I read it's actually pretty tough to pull off. =/

 

I am so sorry things are so rough...I have heard of akathsia, a kinetic disorder, and there are some exercises which may help you gain some control...have you worked with a physical therapist? Please contact me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J

 

Thanks, but that's actually the least of all my problems. I'm just so pissed that these "experts" are so useless when it comes to the specifics of mental disorders that I have to learn this stuff on my own from the internet, and I have issues with comprehension and attention so severe I can't even get through a wikipedia article to learn anything.

My only hope now is to try Geodon again, the only medication I've been on with a positive effect. And that's if my parents decide it's even worth seeing the doctor again. Geodon made me blissfully happy during the day, but at night my heart was racing, painful thoughts wracking through my mind, a total breakdown. I'm scared to try it again, but it's my only option now.

 

O.O I learned something today.........Kewl