I hurt myself again. I do not regret it. I see that the scars on my shoulder had faded, but are still dark..who knew <mod edit> could be so useful in making scars stay? In making me bleed and the pain to just...make everything stop and recede into the back of my mind? And now, I'm going to make new scars and...it's not every day, but I think it might reach that point eventually. I think about how much easier it would be just to die, I just want to walk out of the library and into the night, lose myself in it's darkness, in it's coldness...but. But. Instead I hurt myself, and the pain makes those urges fade away. I wish I could call someone right now, tell them that I'm scared...lonely, and even though I was told that it was okay to do so...just no. I won't do it. I'll just keep going, I'll hurt myself and that'll be it. I have to stay strong and keep a lid on it. I just wish things had turned out a bit differently. That I could treat my best friend as if she was my best friend and not hide things from her seen though she's two years younger. I wish I could call my High Priestess or my High Priest and tell them to just...just stay on the line with me and say something, anything, just to be there. But, I will not. I have to keep hiding and hiding things, hope they don't explode by hurting myself, keep hiding and hiding and acting stronger than I am, turning off my emotions. It's not so much numbing anymore as much as just going into myself and turning the switch off so things won't hit me too badly. And if they start to, just go to the bathroom. All these years and the one thing that never failed me was my safety pin. It never failed. Didn't judge. Just made it go away. I hate when I get like this, nights when I stay up and the past creeps up on me and the fact that I feel so much shame and guilt for burdening people with my past, with my crap and then having to run around and try to figure out how to act when I get home. Distant and avoidant? Distant and polite? Look at ease and deflect any and all approaches that might try to pry into my emotional state? That is what I planned and by hurting myself I wouldn't lose it as fast, there's not reason for why they would suspect I fell off. No reason for why anyone should try too hard to see how I really was. Sure they knew I was homesick, sure they knew that I probably broke down every night and avoided some of them to ease my pain... Why would they think I hopped off the wagon? Contemplated suicide? I only started to recover when I began to hurt myself again in early October....the last time before that being in February...longest time I've gone without hurting myself. They give me too much credit. It works to my advantage. And I sound bitter to myself as I type this. They've done enough, why would I expect anyone to...I can't even trust them because with the truth I can hurt them, can make them think I'm weak. And I'm tired of feeling weak. Most days I feel stronger, but thinking of going back home to them...to acting more put together, acting as if being out here alone for three months didn't break something inside of me...? It makes me feel sick.