*sigh* don't want this anymore

[~PinkElephants~]

I'm losing it. I can't stop crying. I can't stop shaking. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I feel so lost and so out of control. All I do is sleep half the time, lay in bed, don't move. I don't care to move, I don't have the energy. I just want the thoughts in my head to go away, I want the feelings in my heart to go away, I want the tears to go away. I don't want to care. I don't want to feel remorse and regret. I'm too old to feel this way. I should be over it by now. I should be fine and I should be okay, but I'm not. I'm not okay.

I feel myself slipping more so now than I have in a long time. I feel myself breaking. I wish that people around could see through the exterior and see the inside. The mess that I've become. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish they'd see that I wish I had the courage to actually kill myself. Then so much would be solved. This feeling of self loathing, this feeling of hatred...it would be gone. Done. Finished. But I'm too much of a coward to actually finish what's been started.

I will paste on the smile again and pretend I'm fine. I'm at least good at that.

 

[black_rose_13]

you dont need to pretend to be fine on here sweetie, we are all here for you. i wish i could say something to make it easier for you, but i just cant find the words, please stay safe and take care of yourself, im always here with a shoulder for you to cry on . im only a pm away, please take care, sarah X

 

[Spearmint]

:sad: Kellz.. :hug:

 

[~PinkElephants~]

blah blah blah FUCKIN blah

 

[black_rose_13]

sorry..

 

[~PinkElephants~]

that wasn't aimed at you sarah :hug:

 

[black_rose_13]

:hug: okay, i really hope your okay kells :hug:

 

[~PinkElephants~]

I'm going to stick to venting in my room to vent thread..so that way no one can reply. Don't take this the wrong way anyone. Maybe I wanted help, probably didn't. So from now on I won't vent out of that room.:huh:

 

[numberman]

The whole idea of this forum is to allow you to express yourself to what are generally a group of like-minded people struggling with issues of their own and therefore empathetic to others.

You have done right in reaching out for support, don't bottle it up..no-one is judging you


Tell us why you feel as you do,what are the "thoughts in your head" and why do you think they are there?


Your life has enormous value to a lot of people,always remember that

 

[Terry]

Kells what's going on.

 

[~PinkElephants~]

I have realized friends or not how lonely I truly am. It doesn't matter, I'm still alone. I've isolated myself from everything. Even when I go out to the bonfire I'm still isolated. I talk to very few people and keep very guarded. I love my cousin but I don't trust people. I haven't in a very long time.

I don't know even living in this house of never ending people I'm still alone.

 

[Terry]

You need to be getting out and about again, this is the trouble with isolating yourself (I know cos done the same damn thing) next thing you know you can't mix or feel uncomfortable and guarded.
Maybe a word with your cousin might be on the cards here, she sounds nice and would probably help you get back into the social scene. :hug:

 

[LetItGo]

I honestly believe deep down you know you deserve better, and your holding out for that, thats why you cant make that final decision to end it, and im glad you havent, because you DO deserve better, you DO deserve to have a good life, and DO deserve to be happy at least good part of the time.

:hug:

 

[LetItGo]

You need to be getting out and about again, this is the trouble with isolating yourself (I know cos done the same damn thing) next thing you know you can't mix or feel uncomfortable and guarded.
Maybe a word with your cousin might be on the cards here, she sounds nice and would probably help you get back into the social scene. :hug:

...definately.