I'm losing it. I can't stop crying. I can't stop shaking. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I feel so lost and so out of control. All I do is sleep half the time, lay in bed, don't move. I don't care to move, I don't have the energy. I just want the thoughts in my head to go away, I want the feelings in my heart to go away, I want the tears to go away. I don't want to care. I don't want to feel remorse and regret. I'm too old to feel this way. I should be over it by now. I should be fine and I should be okay, but I'm not. I'm not okay. I feel myself slipping more so now than I have in a long time. I feel myself breaking. I wish that people around could see through the exterior and see the inside. The mess that I've become. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish they'd see that I wish I had the courage to actually kill myself. Then so much would be solved. This feeling of self loathing, this feeling of hatred...it would be gone. Done. Finished. But I'm too much of a coward to actually finish what's been started. I will paste on the smile again and pretend I'm fine. I'm at least good at that.