Sigh Having a Hard Moment

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Tmacster1, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I haven't came up with a title for this yet... I probably will figure it out by the time I finish this writing. I might title it sigh because I continue to get plagued with thoughts of suicide. My family doesn't listen to me, and all they want to do is lock me up in a mental hospital, Institution, Ward; whatever you call it. I could go on a rant against them but I'm not going to... I just need to let this all out because I feel bottled up right now. I have friends who tend to listen to me but my family doesn't seem to care about me it seems. Even though that might be an understatement because I know they do care. It's just that I feel that they're ignoring my problems --- saying I'm alright when I'm really not. I don't suffer from the typical self-harm, Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse, and Physical and Mental abuse some people here go through. There seems to be no change, my uncle is always threatening me --- about throwing me into a hospital. My family seems torn on the issue... I continually blame myself for my moms suicide when it's not my fault in the end of this... I just feel alone when it comes to my problems. I know I'm not alone because there's some really cool people on here. I reached out a few days ago to a family friend who's going to help me go through counseling. Which is sweet of her and I feel like I want to give her a hug right now. She's going out with one of my uncles --- I can call them a couple I guess even though there not officially married. This isn't the uncle who keeps threatening me. I'll love the uncle that threatens me because I know he's just concerned about me. I'm just going on and on but this is my form of venting because no one will listen to me or care to listen to me outside of this site and the Samaritans email service. I shouldn't say everyone but a lot of them don't listen to me. So, I've built up defensive walls to shield myself from them. Ever sense my incident a few years ago, when I was 14, and they wanted me in a mental hospital the first time. My family seems so torn on the issue. I'm thankful for the ones who want to keep me out of one, because I don't know how well I'll do in one. I'm not very open when it comes to verbal communication because my brain can go blank... Or I get dumb founded with nervousness and anxiety. I might just call the title sigh because that's what I'm feeling right now. I know people on here will listen to me... It's just my family who don't want to listen to me. Most of them think the hospital is the only solution... When I try proactively to get help, and they seem to push that aside away from me. I have lots of self blame-hate-and other emotions towards myself that may not be pleasing. People here are always kind which is nice to see. Also the Samaritans seem to listen to me giving me proactive questions to answer. That seems to help me go over my past and show how far I've come sense than. 2 years ago I was close to ending my life but something prevented me from doing it. I'm sorry this is such a long winded post. I might just end it here... There's more I could go into, I fear getting sent to a hospital against my will....
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    hospitalization helps some people but not all - never helped me much but seen others get something out of it, even if it was only finally getting set up with a therapist

    i have the same problem with opening up with people who might be able to help - cannot speak to therapists or psychs at all - complete shutdown, can't even look them in the eye, just stare at the floor

    i think the problem with your family may be confusion and fear because of your mother - they don't know what to do and that may scare them, may be afraid of doing the wrong thing

    agree that there are some cool people here - i know it helps me alot (at least when i can actually think clearly) to realize that there are at least some people who understand

    been putting with this for over 35 years now so i know it can be done - hang in there and keep coming back here as often as you need or want to

    and if you want an old man's opinion about anything, just pm me
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Trevor,

    I am glad your family friend is keen on helping you through counseling....such a caring nature deserves my gratitude as well....hey, best of luck with therapy this time around. Let us know how it goes, okay? :) On another note, I hope your family will eventually see the hospital as more of a last resort....for when you are intent on ending your life, not when you are holding onto unwavering hope in seeking outpatient support. When I was your age (just a year or two ago), my family cared like yours did....they grew to see involuntary commitment as a most caring option, but only if counseling and medication were not keeping me stable. To provide a background in my state, a petition has to be filed in order seek an involuntary commitment....and then the final decision is in the court's hands.

    I wish you the best, and as always, thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences here....I am happy to hear you have found safe places to communicate these feelings. :hug:

  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies guys. I've been dealing through a lot these past couple of months. I'm very thankful Lynette is going to help me get into therapy - I think I really need it now sense I've been experience these emotional moments more now a days. My family is just trying to look out for my safety because I've almost killed myself in the past but stopped myself from doing it. I've never got to that level again... At least not yet - I'm more into outpatient because I fear being left alone in a hospital or feel rejection from the staff. They'd likely would use restraints on me even thought I'm not a threat to myself or others at the moment. I just want someone to listen to me --- of course I'll use the hospital as a last resort. I just get typical anxiety about hospitals - not a fan a needles - ironically I want to be a nurse. So, yeah that's a little interesting - your afraid of needles and you want to be a nurse. rofl.

    I believe my family may be confused - or just don't know how to help me. However, I know they love me and care for me. But sometimes I just feel like I'm alone. Thanks for all your support.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hun i am here to listen any time you need someone okay lol i know many nurses afraid of needles not giving them just receiving them hugs
  6. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Hmm, that's good to know. I'm not really a fan of needles being stuck into me. Just don't like the way they feel... I can handle needles haha it's just getting them stuck into me. Thanks for being supportive you guys... Some moments I feel alone in the world.
  7. Joshua2803

    Joshua2803 Well-Known Member

    well its good to that you have found some type of form to vent your feelings,as keeping them bottled is one of the worst ways of dealing with them, something to consider is that have you ever told your family how it makes you feel when they "threaten" you with the hospital. its good that you view this as a form of them caring for you, BUT, you should just mention to them how this makes you never know, also try to associate with this "aunt" that you feel comfortable with. cheers mate.
  8. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I've tried many times but they just don't seem to listen to me. Thanks for your encouragement though, and you caring about me. I don't mind hospitals in general --- I just don't want to get forced to stay. I.E strapping me down or locking me up in seclusion rooms. Because in the end that'll make me worse than I was before. I'm staying in touch with my semi aunt. So, I'll be going through counseling again real soon. Thanks to all those who care for me.
  9. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I read what you wrote above. I am concerned about you. I know that when one commits suicide, it affects his/her kids too. They are more likely to do the same. But it does not have to be. You should stop blaming yourself for your mother's suicide. You did not force her to commit suicide ; so you are not to blame. Please write here as much as you can. Vent out your emotions.
    do not supress your thoughts. Write as much as you want. we listen. I will do whatever I can to help you.
  10. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support - I'm somewhat feeling better but not quite better. That's why I'm going to seek some professional help such as counseling. I've been venting here for a while now seems like ages. I've met good people on here and I've made it this far. I still have the suicidal thoughts that tend to bother me all the time... I still suffer the self blame because of everything that is happen. I thank you for your concern. I still have a long ways to go, and I still truly miss my mother.
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Good luck hun, I hope the counseling does help. Remember there are people who care a lot about you, like me. :hug:
  12. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks and that's true there's a lot of people here who are supportive. :hug:

  13. Evanmm

    Evanmm New Member

    I read your post but am not sure how to help. I just wanted to say thanks though because I see you all over the forum replying to other people. You always cheer someone up so I figured I'd thank you.